


This red on my lips

by lady_valkyria



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2014-2015 Figure Skating Season, Alternate Universe, Angst, Chapter 25 (by AO3 listing) rated E, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Javier Fernández/Miki Ando in first chapters, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-02-03 09:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 78,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12745608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_valkyria/pseuds/lady_valkyria
Summary: Even in retrospect, Javier couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it all started. He soon realized that there was no easy way out.Love was not supposed to hurt, but fate cared not for the will of its playthings.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, people!
> 
> Here it is: the reason I've been absent and not writing for my other universe to deal with the ~~cursed~~ GP series. My brain just latched onto this idea and rejected everything else because reasons. Oh, well.
> 
> On the other hand, brain also decided to have a kind of NaNoWriMo one month ahead, so this story is all plotted out and with a good chunk already written. Scheduled updates are in order as I edit \o/

 

 

Even in retrospect, Javier couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it all started.

He’d gone as far as being able to probably situate the very first symptoms somewhere between just after the Olympics and the World Championships that same season. He couldn’t know for sure if the stubborn, dry cough that had accompanied him for a while after Sochi had been a consequence of pressure and winter taking a toll on his body, or of the first stirrings of the plant in his chest. He couldn’t be sure if the heaviness he had sometimes felt straining his lungs at Saitama had been simple competition nerves or something entirely different.

Maybe it had been a mixture of everything. All of that, on top of the budding feelings he couldn’t yet name himself.

In Javier’s mind, there had been nothing wrong with getting closer to Yuzuru, with wanting to see as much of his smiles as possible. His team mate had been like a ray of sunshine, warm and sweet, and so young still to be thriving under so much pressure. Javier had had this instinctive desire to guard such brightness like a flame between his palms, a shield from the world outside the little bubble of skating that was their Cricket Club family. He had only been trying to be friendly, happy in his role of supporting rink mate whenever Yuzuru had nodded gratefully at him when he’d offered his hand after a fall, any time Yuzuru had gone to him for comfort and understanding when the doubts had clouded his vision.

If Javier’s heart had started beating harder whenever his hands found a warm place on Yuzuru’s neck or waist, it had been a mere consequence of the physical strain of skating, nothing more.

God, he had been so oblivious, back then.

 

 


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer shows and summer woes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double posting because the prologue is tiny and I'm not that evil ;)

 

 

The first petal didn’t even register.

It was the start of the summer in Japan, and the hotel room was noticeably hot even in the morning. Javier stretched a hand towards the bedside table to turn off the annoying beeping of his alarm, rolling around lazily afterwards trying to find a cooler spot. He didn’t feel rested even though he had cut the night before short, and there was still a dull throbbing of pain behind his ribs. That fall the day before must have been worse than he thought.

Just a little more sleep. He’d feel much better.

“Javi! Get up, lazy.”

Reflexes still slow, he missed the warning words and got a pillow to the face. Grumbling curses in annoyance, he sent the offending item flying back towards the feet of his bed and a giggling Yuzuru, who caught it without issue.

“Go away!”

“Come on, up!” Ignoring Javier’s glare, Yuzuru started tugging at the sheet, fighting Javier’s stubborn grip. His grin was getting bigger by the moment, clearly amused. “Must not miss bus.”

Javier glanced at the clock. “The hell are you talking about, there’s still more than an hour left until then.”

“Yes, but if Javi not get up now, not have time for breakfast.” Walking around the bed, Yuzuru sat next to Javier, dropping carelessly and bouncing on the mattress. Then, tapping playfully at Javier’s belly, “and if not have breakfast, you grumpy all practice.”

“I’ll give you grumpy.”

Yuzuru’s guffaws filled their shared room as he danced away from Javier’s tackling hold, all the way back to his suitcase. Resigned to his fate and secretly amused at the other’s antics, Javier sat up on the bed and threw his legs to the side.

“But why are you up already, then? I heard you come in later than me, yesterday,” Javier wondered, looking for his slippers. “And you’re not taking the bus to the venue.”

“I know.” Yuzuru scrunched his nose in distaste. He still wasn’t used to the growing crowds that gathered around him and having to take alternative transportation to everyone else. Javier watched him shake his head, Yuzuru’s expression softening as his gaze slid away. “But if I not awake, Javi not awake too, so. Then everybody complain to me when you grumpy.”

Javier looked at the other’s slightly reddened cheeks, absently rubbing at the centre of his chest as a fond smile took over his face. “You woke up for me?”

“For big good of everybody, like Brian say. Not just Javi.”

“For ‘the greater good’, you mean.”

“That what I say.” Yuzuru, flustered, straightened only to catch Javier’s grin from his position still seated at the bed. “Just get ready and come.”

Javier watched as his roommate left in a rush, door falling shut noisily behind him. With a fond snort, he finally stood up from the mattress, grabbing his bag of toiletries on the way to the bathroom.

A single, small purple petal fell from his pillow to the floor, unseen and innocuous, only to be found later by the cleaning crew.

 

* * *

 

The following petals did register, but not really.

Javier had been so happy to be doing shows with Miki. They’d been in contact again for a while by then, reconnecting after the years in between, and they’d hit it off right away.

Miki was still the bright, funny and outspoken person he’d admired mostly from afar while they’d both been under Morozov’s tutelage, her winning World titles and him desperately trying to be noticed. Only now there was a maturity to her that was much bigger than Javier’s own, as well as a somewhat cynic outlook on life that hadn’t been there before.

Life had been both kind and unkind to Miki, and it all seemed to stem from the same deed.

“Javi, look.”

They were stood on the fringes of the show rink, waiting in the shadows while other skaters took centre stage to practice their routines. Miki waved him over excitedly, phone in hand, tilting the screen towards Javier when he stopped at her side.

“Is this from today?”

“Yes. My mother just took it.”

Javier smiled at Miki before glancing back to the screen and the picture of a baby girl enjoying some quality time in a sandbox. Her tiny pigtails complimented the toothy grin, an image of true happiness; he felt warm just from looking at it.

“She’s beautiful.”

“She is.” Miki’s sigh was audible, her gaze full of love as she looked back at the picture. “Most beautiful little girl in the world.”

“And she has her mother’s smile.”

Miki swatted at him playfully in response to his cheeky remark, hitting him on the chest. Javier doubled over, making a big show of being hurt while people around them laughed, but the automatic whine at the contact hadn’t been fake: it really had hurt a bit, definitely more than it should; something like pressing over already bruised tissue.

The laughter died down moments later as the lights dimmed further and the spotlight shone on centre ice, and Javier’s attention was grabbed inevitably by it.

It was Yuzuru’s turn to skate.

The first notes of the piano reverberated in the intimate environment, setting the tone of the performance while the performer himself remained still, unmoving but for the subtle rise and fall of his chest. Javier found himself taking a deep breath with him, synchronising their rhythms on instinct, his body swaying when Yuzuru rolled his head before pushing off in a glide.

He followed the other’s movement as if mesmerized, pulled into the music as if Yuzuru was playing it himself out of his fingertips. Their eyes met in a fleeting moment, Yuzuru’s gaze burning on his as he set up for a jump.

Javier’s chest felt so full.

“Javi, are you listening?”

Miki’s voice finally reached him, the insistent touch on his arm suddenly pulling him away from the ephemeral world he’d been in, and two things happened in rapid succession.

First, Yuzuru fell on his jump, the crash on the ice audible for everyone; and second, Javier felt a sudden itch on his throat that had him coughing violently, hand patting uselessly at his chest because the full feeling had taken a turn for _too full_ and it wasn’t pleasant anymore.

“Hey, Javi, just breathe.” Stéphane’s soothing voice sounded at his back, accompanied by a wide palm rubbing circles on his back as he fought for breath. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, just- ” Javier managed before the tickling feeling at the back of his throat returned and he felt the need to cough again, bending over in an effort to dislodge whatever it was. After it finally subsided he straightened with a reassuring look at Miki, who had a hand on his shoulder and a worried frown on her face. “I must have swallowed the wrong way, or something.”

“Sure you’re okay? That cough sounded nasty.” Johnny appeared on Miki’s other side, peering curiously at him. “I can give you something if your throat is sore, I have soothing candies in my bag. God knows we breathe enough chilly air to need them.”

“Really guys, it’s fine.” Javier tried his best to smile in reassurance, hoping to diffuse the situation and the concerned looks. “Just a one-time thing.”

“Well, you know where to find me if you need me.”

“Will do.”

As Johnny walked away with Stéphane in tow, Javier seized the opportunity to look for Yuzuru in the crowd of remaining skaters, without luck.

“Where’s-?”

“Yuzuru?” Miki guessed. Javier nodded. “He left with Nobu after he was done.”

“Was he okay? That fall didn’t look good.”

“I’m sure he’s fine.” She fell silent for a moment, studying him in the low light with a curious expression. Finally, she shrugged. “Kid is tough, one fall is not going to kill him. Are _you_ okay?”

“Yes, as I’ve said al-“

“Okay enough to join me for dinner tonight?”

Javier cleared his throat and crossed his arms before his chest, eyes narrowing at her cheeky smile. “Am I paying?”

Miki beamed. “Of course.”

“Good thing I’m making some money with the shows, then.”

“It’s a date!”

Javier shook his head fondly as she walked away with a wink over her shoulder, sidling up to Johnny to whisper in his ear. The American clapped his hands in excitement, glancing his way before giggling at Miki, and Javier resigned himself to being food for gossip. What could one do, but surrender to the inevitable.

As he looked for his water bottle to leave the rink, Javier’s eyes caught on the purple petal half-hidden in the collar of his shirt. He fiddled with it absently for a minute before dropping it to the ground without another thought.

Yuzuru had gotten so many flowers earlier, in the dressing room; it must have come from there.

 

* * *

 

Gossip had indeed spread, and as the tour wore on towards the final shows, Javier had learned to ignore the pointed looks and giggly whispers that followed in the wake of Miki and him spending increasingly more time together.

It was done in good faith, friends and acquaintances alike happy at the idea of them becoming a couple; nothing negative had come from inside the group of skaters, and Javier didn’t really care about what anyone outside their circle thought.

Their life was their business, and if any gossip hunters felt the need to judge them and their choices, Javier felt it was his right to not give a damn.

Thing was, everyone’s expectations notwithstanding, Miki and him were not a couple.

At least, not yet.

“Would you like to meet Himawari?”

“What?”

The question startled Javier out of his thoughts, making him almost choke on his coffee. Miki smiled around her straw, seated in front of him at the coffee shop table and sipping slowly from her bubble tea.

“You could stay in Japan after the shows end, come home with me. And meet her.”

Her eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun, her sunglasses pushed back over her head to keep her loose hair away from her face. She looked radiant, content there with him, and not for the first time, Javier found himself thinking she was beautiful.

The invitation was an open-ended one, he understood as much. But if they were going to do this, things needed to be out in the open and clarified.

“Would that make us official?”

“Not necessarily,” Miki sighed, closing her eyes for a moment as she put down her drink. Then she looked back up, peering at him from under her eyelashes, intent clear. “But I’d like that, if you want.”

Did he? Javier thought about it for a moment. His last relationship had ended pretty amicably a while ago, with enough time passed for him to have no remaining hang-ups about it. And he liked Miki: their shared experiences and compatible personalities made them a good match for the other, as evidenced by their rapidly developing relationship and flirty interactions. Everyone else seemed to see something there, and Javier wasn’t inclined to believe so many people could be that far off the mark.

He liked her, enjoyed spending time with her; and he was curious about the possibilities.

There was a sudden pang on his chest, a feeling of pressure against his ribs. Javier took it for the first stirrings of regret if he lost this chance.

He smiled, forcing the uncomfortable feeling down with a sip of coffee as his eyes fixed on hers over the rim of his cup, and took the plunge. “I’d like that, too.”

Miki beamed, face shining with happiness and new beginnings, while Javier’s heart throbbed inside his chest. Standing up from her chair, she rounded the table and bent to leave a soft kiss on his lips; a tender, first caress, like a promise.

“Okay?”

“Very okay.”

With a last, lingering touch to his cheek, Miki straightened. “I’ll be right back.”

She took off her sunglasses and left them on the table, folding them carefully before walking towards the restroom. The moment the door closed behind her, the choking feeling got too much to contain: Javier started coughing loudly, bent to the side over the flower pot in front of the wall to disturb the other patrons as little as possible, chest heaving uncontrollably as he tried to stop the itching at the back of his throat.

When the fit subsided and he tiredly rested his back against the chair, his gaze noted the couple of purple, solitary petals over the green leaves of the plant. He wondered for a moment at their presence, but then Miki came back and he had other things to think about.

 

* * *

 

On the last night of the tour, before everyone went their own ways come morning, Javier returned to their shared hotel room to find Yuzuru lying on his bed, playing games on his handheld in the dark.

Yuzuru grumbled something in Japanese under his breath when Javier turned on the lights at the door, taking off his shoes before walking into the room proper. He stopped at the foot of the other’s bed, hands on his hips and brows raised.

“What are you doing here?”

“Play game.” Javier couldn’t exactly see the accompanying eye roll from his position, but he could hear its disdain perfectly.

“You’re hilarious. I mean what are you doing playing _here_ , instead of with the others. I know they were organizing some kind of competition.”

“Not interested.”

“You, not interested in winning at stuff?” Javier chuckled, walking up the side of the bed to put his palm over Yuzuru’s forehead. It was warm, smooth against his skin. Javier’s throat clicked as he swallowed. “Are you sick?”

“Get off, silly,” Yuzuru huffed as he slipped from the other’s joking touch, turning away on his side. Then, in an almost inaudible mumble, “Javi with Miki?”

Javier took note of the tense line of Yuzuru’s back, his slightly raised and rounded shoulders as if he was bracing for something. He forced a deep breath past the sudden tightness in his chest, sitting down next to the other and reaching a hand towards his hair, fearing another rejection. This time though, Yuzuru allowed the touch, his body relaxing as he put the game down and stared at the opposite wall.

As he carded his fingers through his friend’s unruly locks, Javier felt an itchiness rise in his throat. He tried to clear it before answering.

“Yes, I was with Miki. I’ve told you how I’m going to stay with her for a while after this, so we were making sure everything was ready.”

“You not go back to Toronto?”

“Jeez, what’s with not letting me have any vacation time?” Javier chuckled. “Even you are going home for a while, yeah?"

His companion took a silent breath, then another. “Yes.”

“Why are you so grumpy, then? Missing home too much already?”

Yuzuru turned on his back with a rustle of fabrics, a kind of melancholy in his gaze when his eyes met with Javier’s. “Something like that.”

There’d been a sudden spike of tension when they fell silent after that, as if the air was thinning in the room. Yuzuru kept looking at Javier like he wanted to see through him, intense and searching, and Javier could feel the blood pumping harshly in his veins, his eyes drifting from the dark abyss of Yuzuru’s pupils to the rosy tone of his lips, slightly opened as if in mute invitation.

Javier wanted. Javier _needed_ …

He needed to breathe, because the air really was thinning and then he was coughing, trying to get enough oxygen into his lungs past the scratchiness in his throat.

“-‘m sorry,” he managed to gasp weakly towards a surprised Yuzuru, as he stood on shaky legs and ran to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Javier braced his hands on the sink, eyes closed with the effort of heaving, as his airways finally cleared and he could gulp a full breath or air. Turning the faucet on, he splashed some cold water on his face and waited for his breathing to calm down gradually.

Chest pain gone and breathing back under control, Javier towelled off while glaring at himself in the mirror. The time off the ice would help with those too, he thought.

He missed the edge of a flower petal peeking innocently from the drain.

Yuzuru wasn’t on his bed anymore when Javier finally left the bathroom, but the warm breeze coming through the now open terrace doors and rustling trough the curtains denoted his presence out on the balcony. Too exhausted for further conversation, Javier quickly changed and dropped into bed.

He fell asleep with soft wind in his ears and Yuzuru’s silhouette bathed in moonlight in his eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always difficult to start letting go of a big project, so I hope you enjoy and tell me what you think! :D


	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier turns to the internet for a diagnosis; it goes as well as you'd expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much everyone for the warm reception to this idea! It made me want to edit faster, so here you go <3

 

 

Japan really was hot in the summer.

Even seated at the edge of the pool, legs dangling in the water in lazy patterns, Javier was starting to miss having regular ice-time for more reasons besides mere skating. He missed the crisp air on his skin, his breath misting in front of him and waking him up from the inside; the cosy feeling of entering a cold rink in his warm layers, pulling the zipper all the way up, snug but comfortable.

He found himself absently running over his usual warm up in his head, feeling his feet following along the stroking exercises his mental self was going over. He glided, and turned, and then glided again, and there was someone there with him matching his every step, and it felt so right…

“’Abi, ‘Abi!”

He got startled out of his random musings by the ruckus of delightful splashing and baby talk near his knee. Sitting up from his lounging position, Javier slid his sunglasses to the top of his head and watched in amusement as a laughing Miki tried to contain her daughter’s enthusiasm.

“Hello, baby girl! Aren’t you excited to be in the water, eh?”

“A little too excited, I think,” said Miki with a resigned grimace, treading water on the shallow end of the pool and keeping a secure hand on Himawari’s floater.

“Don’t mind your mom just this time, ok? Nothing wrong with being happy.” As Himawari kept babbling and waving her little arms at him impatiently, Javier reached for her and pulled her out of the water, seating her on his knee. “Happy is good. I like happy kids.”

“Everybody likes happy kids, Javi.” Miki swam to his side, smiling as he rubbed his thumbs over Himawari’s chubby cheeks. She poked her daughter’s nose as she settled with her back against the wall, answering her joyful chatter in soft Japanese before looking up to Javier. “Much less drama.”

“Your mom’s being very sarcastic today, baby.” Javier held Himawari’s palms up to her face as if in surprise, which got him a childish chuckle and an amused look from Miki. “What are we going to do?”

“My boyfriend and my daughter seem to be each other’s favourite person right now. I’m feeling a bit neglected, maybe.”

Javier gasped jokingly at Miki’s playful wink, making Himawari look up to him in worry. “Baby, we’re being so bad! What say you we give your mom a kiss, eh? _Kissu_?” Miki threw her head back with a laugh when Javier’s efforts at communicating his wishes ended up with Himawari stretching up to give him a slobbery kiss on the cheek. “No, baby! _Kissu_ mom, not me!”

“’Abi!”

“Okay, whatever. ‘Abi’ can get kiss, too.” Surrendered to his fate, Javier looked down at a still sniggering Miki. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” She reached a hand to his neck, dragging him down to her level to pull him into a kiss. “Very much.”

As Himawari patted disapprovingly at their faces to get them to stop and go back to playing, Javier wondered in the back of his mind if it was normal for contentment to feel so constraining inside.

 

* * *

 

Javier woke up in the middle of the night with a painful throbbing in his chest and the unsettling feeling of something crawling up his throat.

Again.

Gasping for breath between harsh coughs, he carelessly threw the sheet away as he got off the bed and ran to the bathroom. He heard Miki’s worried call behind him just before sliding the door closed and locking it, making sure he would not be disturbed as he leaned over the sink.

He gave himself over to his body’s instincts, rasping cough after cough, almost gagging on air.

The moment he started retching, he held a hand up to his mouth while the other knocked over the toothbrush holder in his haste to get to the cup next to it, turning the faucet on and praying not to throw up.

Minutes passed. The coughing fit died down.

“Javi?” Miki was knocking at the door, her voice increasingly anxious as he didn’t answer. “Are you okay?”

Javier did not throw up. At least, not in the way he expected to.

“I’m fine.” The words hurt his throat, raw like sandpaper. He filled the cup with water and turned off the faucet. “Just need a minute.”

Miki said something he didn’t quite catch, doubtful about the situation, but he could finally hear her receding footsteps as she respected his wishes and went back to the bedroom.

Sighing heavily, Javier gathered all the remaining courage in his tired body to open his eyes and look down at the thing resting casually on his palm.

A purple petal, soft to the touch and ruffled at the edges. Delicate looking and beautiful.

It was the second time in a fortnight that this happened, and Javier couldn’t ignore it anymore.

There was something very wrong with him.

 

* * *

 

Javier started searching about people coughing flower petals and ended up on something he never could have expected.

_“The Hanahaki Disease is a rare illness born from unresolved or one-sided love, where a flower feeds on the patient’s feelings and takes root in their chest cavity. Its defining symptom is the throwing or coughing up of petals. With time, the plant grows in their lungs and spreads throughout their body, becoming deadly if not treated. The only ways to overcome this disease are for love to become requited or for the plant to be removed through surgery, but the feelings and memories of that love then disappear along with the petals.”_

It sounded bogus, like something out of melodramatic Greek mythology. In fact, he had seen the idea applied to soap operas and period novels; he’d just never thought to take it seriously.

The webpage where he found that definition went on to talk about more esoteric-related things, which didn’t help with its credibility in Javier’s eyes. But now that he had a name that lead turned into a bigger search, and as the sources kept piling the idea of it being a real thing lost its ridiculousness bit by bit.

The medical journals had another name for it besides ‘hanahaki’ and tried their hardest to not link it to such unscientific things as ‘love’, but everything else fit: the plant taking root in the patient’s chest, affecting breathing and clogging their throat with petals; the symptoms getting steadily worse until the body gave up, or the parasite was removed; the memory changes after the procedure was done, along with recovery time.

Javier tried not to look too much at the fatality numbers.

“I need to go out out for a bit, do you mind watching Himawari?” Miki asked him from the doorway of the sitting room, her daughter held in her arms. “I’d rather not take her with me, I just bathed her and she always pulls me to the park.”

Dropping his phone on the sofa and trying to leave the dark thoughts with it, Javier pulled up a smile for them. “Of course I don’t mind, give her here.” Miki passed her on gladly, murmuring to her in Japanese as the little girl settled on Javier’s knee. “We’re the bestest of friends, Hima and I. Right, baby?”

“’Abi!”

“See? All good, boss.”

“Okay, okay.” Miki smiled, petting her daughter’s head lovingly before kissing her on the cheek. “I’m trusting you to take care of each other.”

Himawari’s only answer was to grin toothily at his mother, babbling at Javier as Miki straightened back up and went to get her purse.

“How’s that cough going, by the way? I can get you something from the pharmacy, if you need.”

Javier tensed up. He cleared his throat, answering as nonchalantly as possible as he let Himawari play with his free hand. “I’m fine, don’t worry. Johnny gave me something before he left and it’s been working.”

“Are you sure? I still hear you coughing every other night.”

“I’m really sorry that I wake you.”

“Don’t be silly.” Miki appeared back in the room, purse on her shoulder and sunglasses hanging from the collar of her shirt. Javier looked on as she took a hair tie from her wrist, put it between her teeth and started gathering her hair in a high ponytail. “I just want you to be okay.”

“I am. I am great.”

His shaky smile must have not been convincing enough, because Miki didn’t look that reassured. Still, she sighed and walked up to them, dropping a kiss on Himawari’s hair and another on Javier’s lips.

“Don’t die while I’m gone, okay?”

Javier sputtered at that, but Miki only sent him an amused look before changing to Japanese to say goodbye to her daughter.

Once she was gone though, the words reverberated inside Javier’s head. Besides the macabre touch she couldn’t have been aware of given his current situation, they made him suddenly realize something.

Even if he did have hanahaki, there wasn’t going to be a need to worry about surgeries, and lost memories, and recovery time away from the ice. It was so easy, really.

If love was the trigger, then he must already be in love with Miki. It was rather soon in their relationship to speak of love, which was probably why she didn’t yet reciprocate fully and the petals had a chance to appear. But in time, everything would fall into place.

He’d be alright.

Feeling relief spread like a drug in his veins Javier stood up from the couch, lifting Himawari up over his head. Her childish giggling mixed with his laughter as he spun them around.

“I love your mom and it’s going to be fine!”

It sounded weird as a statement, but Javier didn’t care. The situation was already plenty weird, what was a little more?

The notification of a new message on his phone broke him out of his reverie, and he hugged Himawari to his chest as he bent to retrieve it. With a gleeful kind of vengeance, he closed all tabs from his frantic, days-long search before tapping on the messaging app.

It was from Yuzuru.

                > Look what I find! Like Effie! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Attached there was a photo of Yuzuru sitting with a calico cat on his lap, beaming and throwing up a peace sign for the camera. Javier felt his former excitement die down, all his troubles dwindling into nothingness as his expression was overtaken by a fond yearning.

He missed the image that picture evoked, of late nights playing games together on the sofa, lying in a puppy pile of limbs with Effie on top.

In that moment, the call of Toronto –of training, ice, and its people- was strong enough to make Javier’s chest feel tight at the memories.

                < Whose cat is that? They’d better keep an eye on you, you’re known for stealing them away.

                > Not my fault Effie love me more. She smart!

Javier had to sit back down, chuckling all the while, as Himawari got fussy at losing his attention. Typing wasn’t so easy when you had to do it one-handed while holding a baby and trying to keep their chubby hands out of your face.

                < Yes, she is. She knows you spoil her.

                > You spoil first! Now she believe forever that she is princess (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

Javier’s laugh turned into a cough, and he could feel his throat starting to itch. He held tighter onto Himawari’s grounding weight, swallowing to try and defuse it.

                > I go back to Canada tomorrow.

                > When Javi come?

The pause between Yuzuru’s messages served Javier well as he fought down the rising fit, even if he found it weird. It was unusual for his team mate to break up his thoughts like that over writing, when he had time enough to think about what he wanted to say before sending it out.

                < I’m going back home to Spain first, so in three weeks, at least.

“Baby girl, Javi is trying to talk to Yuzu. Give me a moment and I’ll go back to playing with you, okay?”

“’Abi!” Himawari pounded her little fist against his chest, clearly displeased, as she babbled something Japanese-sounding at him. Javier tried to grab her arm to get her to stop: he could feel the dull pain that preceded a fit rising anew.

“I’m sorry, Hima. I can’t speak that.”

“’Abi!!”

                > I miss you there (｡╯︵╰｡)

The cough started again, and didn’t stop until his throat was aching and his heart beat a scared rhythm in his chest.

There was a purple petal on the sofa, another one on his palm.

Javier pressed his forehead against Himawari’s temple for comfort and hoped everything would be over soon.

 

* * *

 

Nothing had changed by the time his stay in Japan came to a close.

Things weren’t worse, but they weren’t any better, either. He still felt alright most of the time, almost to the point of forgetting there was even anything wrong when he went a couple days without symptoms. Then, reality would hit him like a hammer to the chest and Javier would find himself running off to the nearest bathroom, coughing painfully until the stranded petals made it out of his throat.

He spent as much time as he could with Miki, trying not to be too obvious about how his attentions had, suddenly and inevitably, developed an ulterior motive. It wasn’t a great sacrifice: Javier liked her a lot – _loved_ her, apparently. Enough to make a freaking _plant_ sprout in his chest- and their days were enjoyable. But the lurking anxiety wouldn’t leave, and lately he was always wondering, searching in her gaze for that sparkle that would lay his fears to rest and set him free.

“Miki?” She hummed sleepily in response, curled next to him on the bed. Her breath tickled over the bare skin of his shoulder. “Do you love me?”

“What? Javi, we’ve been together barely more than a month.” Miki chuckled, propping her head up to look properly at him. When his answer was to wriggle his arm from underneath her and turn away, she quickly sat up behind him, incredulous. “Really?”

“What if I do? What if I’m in love with you?”

“I know I’m good, but I’m not _that_ good. Sleep it off, you’ll get over it.”

“Miki, please.”

Javier sounded so defeated, that she dropped the amusement and put a hand on his shoulder in worry. “You’re serious.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, of course not. I respect that. It’s just… soon. Too soon. I’m surprised.”

Javier didn’t like the overwhelmed tint on her voice. He dropped back on the bed, arms splayed to the sides and gaze lost in the ceiling; his chest was starting to feel a bit full and he found he couldn’t look at her.

“So you don’t.”

“It’s not that simple. I like you very much, Javi; that is why you’re here and why you’ve met my daughter,” Miki explained. Then she took a deep breath, voice coming out with a renewed firmness. “But we’re still getting to know each other. Could I love you like that in the future? Yes, probably. But it’s too soon for me.”

It wasn’t anything Javier hadn’t known to expect or repeated to himself many times those days. Still, it did not enough to calm his fears or lessen the helplessness that coursed through him every time he felt the telltale itching at the back of his throat.

There was time. He had time. He had to keep only that in mind.

It would happen, and he’d be alright.

He beckoned her back down onto his shoulder with a gesture. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. We all have our doubts, sometimes.”

Silence fell over the room. Javier didn’t sleep much that night, after all.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... _Oh_ , Javi *facepalm*
> 
> Next chapter: back to Toronto!


	4. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunions in Toronto and a promise for the road.

 

 

Hiding his symptoms from family and friends hadn’t been easy while Javier was in Spain, but he didn’t want to worry anyone with something that would eventually resolve itself, anyway.

Fortunately, his condition hadn’t worsened with distance from Miki, which he had been sceptical about in the beginning. It seemed love really knew no bounds and could travel any distance.

Javier was starting to be really done with love, by this point.

There wasn’t much he could do about it from home either way, so he tried his best to enjoy the time he had with his people and leave his darker concerns behind with every petal that kept coming up his throat.

Some days it was easier, horsing around at the beach or playing an impromptu game of football with his life-long friends. Others it was harder, like the time Nam came back to the Cricket Club after his own time off and started spamming Javier with photos of himself and Yuzuru joking together at practice. It was past midnight in Javier’s part of the world, but he couldn’t keep himself from sitting up in bed, laughing mutely at their antics as longing and nostalgia grew and put pressure on his chest.

He was so ready to go back.

Javier pressed play on the video again. The image of Nam and Yuzuru seated together at one of the benches in the Cricket Club’s locker room unfroze, the Canadian waving madly at the camera.

_“Javi,_ mi hermano _! You have to come back soon, I’m at my breaking point already with this guy.”_ Yuzuru glared at him good naturedly, elbowing him on the ribs. _“See? You have to come defuse him before he goes thermonuclear on us all. Brian can’t do it on his own and Tracy’s not back yet.”_

_“Shut up. I not angry at you if you don’t skate in my way all the time._ Baka _.”_

_“Yeah, right. What would you have me do, stay out of the ice while his highness skates?”_

Nam turned to the other, brows raised and sarcasm dripping out of every word. Yuzuru’s grin got impossibly bigger. _“That nice.”_

_“You’re a bully. He’s a bully, Javi! He gets away with it because he does the cute thing with his face, you know the one, and everyone falls for it, but I know the truth!”_

_“Nam!”_

Javier chuckled under his breath, rubbing absently at the base of his throat as the image went all blurry while his two team mates fought over Nam’s phone. He knew exactly which face of Yuzuru’s Nam was referring to: huge, guileless eyes looking up at him from under a messy, dark fringe; plump mouth slightly opened in a pout, a gloved finger pressing down on the bottom lip. No, Javier couldn’t blame anyone for falling under its spell; even he wasn’t immune.

His attention got pulled back to the video when the image stabilized again, just a frazzled Nam on the screen this time.

_“Seriously, man, we need you. I can only make so much fun of Yuzu’s pining before it becomes sad even for me.”_

_“NAM!”_

_“Gotta go before I get murdered. Bye!”_

The video ended and Javier finally sent out a reply.

                < I hope you didn’t get murdered, because I’m going to do it myself when I get back. Do you even know what time it is, here?

Putting his phone on silence, Javier left it on the bedside table and laid down, rolling on his side to sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, his throat was sore and there were two new petals on his pillow, but he was glad about managing to sleep through it, somehow.

On his phone, there were a couple of messages that put a smile on his lips.

                > Whatever, tough guy. You wanted to see him as much as he wants to see you, don’t think I don’t know.

                > You’re welcome, by the way.

 

* * *

 

Javier opened Effie’s pet carrier first thing after getting in the door of his Toronto apartment. Without even a backwards look at him, she trotted off to start smelling and rubbing her head against the corners of the furniture in the siting room, purring like a tiny locomotive.

“Go off to reclaim your territory while your dad deals with all the luggage, why not.” He got a single _meow_ for his troubles before the cat disappeared towards the kitchen. “Whatever. Thanks for nothing, you ungrateful child.”

Hitching his carry-on bag up his shoulder to free his hands, Javier grabbed the remaining couple of suitcases and dragged everything towards the bedroom.

The apartment had lost some of its lived-in vibe after being unoccupied for months and the air smelled kind of stale. Javier put a quick remedy to that by going around opening windows to let the warm summer breeze in, then making himself unpack before it became a bigger chore. Effie was there curled up on top of a small pile of folded clothes he’d left on the bed, watching him intently, when he finally turned back from the wardrobe.

“Oh, _now_ you pay attention to me. I see how it is.” He scratched behind her ears fondly before picking her up and cradling her against his chest. When he noticed exactly what she’d been sitting on, he snorted. “Let’s not leave any more fur over Yuzu’s present, yes? I know you like him, but it’s not ideal for his lungs. Come on, let’s get you some food.”

Once Effie’s needs were dealt with and she had gone off to nap on her favourite spot on the sofa, Javier considered his options. He felt weirdly energetic after managing to sleep during most of the flight, and there had been no pain or petals in his throat for three whole days. Remembering how well his last video call with Miki and Himawari had gone put a smile on his face and he was feeling pretty optimistic about things starting to look up.

He was too wired to just stay home, and something deep inside him was itching for time on the ice. The good kind of itching.

Looking at the clock on the wall, Javier made his decision.

He lived close enough to the Cricket Club that it didn’t take him long to get there. Quickly making the rounds greeting the staff that was working at the reception and cafeteria, Javier got to the seating area at the big windows overlooking the ice just in time to watch morning practice wind down.

As he’d learnt to expect, there was an Asian woman already seated on her usual armchair.

“Hello, Yumi.”

Gaze snapping away from the ice, Yuzuru’s mother smiled warmly up at him, nodding her head in greeting. “Hello, Javier. Yuzu tell me you come tomorrow, not today.”

“I’m scheduled for tomorrow, but flew in today and couldn’t stay away,” Javier explained as he took the opposite seat, leaning forwards with his elbows on his knees. “I wanted to see how everyone’s doing.”

Yumi’s smile grew, her eyes almost closing in an expression that was so reminiscent of her son’s. “Surprise?”

“It wasn’t planned, but if you put it like that… I guess?”

The woman waved away Javier’s doubtful expression with an amused huff. “Yuzu like. He happy, you see. How is your mother?”

Javier’s mind flashed back to the long list of remedies and the bigger number of warm clothing his mother had insisted on sending him back to Canada with. Enriqueta had said she didn’t like the sound of that nasty cough he got some nights, had been worried about him somehow catching the flu or something worse.  Javier had had to lie through his teeth to convince her of nothing being wrong.

He still felt bad about that, no matter how much he told himself it was better to spare her the truth.

Things were looking better already, anyway.

“Planning to see when they can make the trip to visit, I’m sure.”

“Not easy, being a mother to you children.” Yumi said, lost in thought, as she turned her attention back to the rink. Javier followed her gaze to the familiar figure in all-black training gear, who was reaching for the skate guards Brian handed to him. “Go. Tell Yuzu I wait here.”

Javier did just that, planning to go wait in the locker room as he stood up and left.

He didn’t get that far.

“Javi, hey!” Nam waved enthusiastically at him from the other end of the hallway, just inside the door that lead to the rink. “What are you doing here, brother?”

Javier laughed as the other started walking towards him, Nam’s steps clunky in his skating boots. “Couldn’t wait anymore to see your ugly mug, obviously. You know it makes me feel better.”

“You can go back to Spain, now. I forgot how annoying you are.”

Javier had a witty retort ready when the door opened again to show Yuzuru, trusty Pooh-san tucked under one arm while he mopped at his face with the towel in the other. Nam’s continued chatter became background noise as Javier felt himself freeze, strangely caught in Yuzuru’s surprised gaze when he took notice of the returned Spaniard standing at the other end of the corridor. A sunny smile bloomed on his lips, and he dropped the towel in his haste to get to Javier.

Javier silently opened his arms as Yuzuru pushed past a grumbling Nam, having to take half a step back to balance their weight when his team mate practically threw himself at him.

“You here.” Yuzuru wrapped his arms tightly around Javier’s neck. Then, reproachfully, “you not tell me.”

 “Surprise?” Javier tried to clear his throat, but the sudden lump would not budge. Yuzuru was taller than him in his boots, and he felt a bit squished against his friend’s trembling shoulder. “I can’t breathe, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru’s laughter filled the space as he let him go then, stepping back and kneading at the soft plush of his tissue box cover. It was weird, but even with the new breathing room Javier’s chest still felt somewhat tight.

“So what, I don’t get a hug?” Nam complained jokingly from the side.

“I’ll give you hugs. Come here.” Looking away from the healthy, rosy tint on Yuzuru’s cheeks, Javier threw an arm around Nam’s neck to pull him closer to his side, ruffling his hair with a vengeance. “I’ll give you all the hugs!”

Nam shrieked, batting at him in a futile effort to get him off, as they wrestled all the way to the locker room. The joyful laughter soon died when Javier’s turned into a wheeze: he had to quickly excuse himself to one of the cubicles before it became the familiar, full-bodied cough that pre-empted the appearance of another petal.

He didn’t want the others to see him like this.

“Javi?” Yuzuru’s soft call from the other side of the wooden door broke the heavy silence when it was over. It sounded worried, too small compared to his boisterous self of mere minutes ago; it made a phantom pain spread from Javier’s already bruised-feeling chest. “You okay?”

Javier’s gaze was fixed on the three petals floating at the bottom of the toilet.

He watched them disappear as he flushed, wishing his own returning dread could be dealt with so easily.

“Just fine.”

 

* * *

 

Javier had expected coming back into full training after a long summer of vacation and an even longer Olympic season before it wouldn’t be easy.

What he hadn’t expected was the extent to which his newly discovered condition would affect his routine.

“Sorry, David,” he managed to squeak in the general direction of his choreographer before putting on his skate guards and making a run for the door, hand already at his mouth as the cough threatened to double him over before he got out onto the hallway.

Javier had been enjoying a string of good days, where his body didn’t fight him and he could keep the problem safely tucked at the back of his mind. Of course, the day David came in for their appointment to touch up the choreography of his free skate had to be a bad one.

And they even had the ice mostly to themselves, what with it being Nam’s day off and Yuzuru being away for his own choreography.

It was so frustrating.

Javier didn’t understand. He was doing as much as he could to feel close to Miki, planning video calls to fit both their time zones, keeping in touch with messages when their busy schedules refused to cooperate. He reached out with the hope that a closer connection would alleviate the pressure he sometimes felt behind his ribs, as if something was taking root and sinking its hooks in his insides.

The petals, when they came in their now familiar, painful and sporadic fashion, were only getting bigger, their purple colour more intense as the flower matured.

Miki looked happy when they talked, if a bit harried now that things were picking up on her end, too. Her eyes still sparkled when she laughed at his silly jokes and she always sent him a kiss when they said their goodbyes. She told him she missed him very much.

But he wasn’t getting any better.

If anything, the uncertainty of it all would get him before the plant in his chest did.

Throwing the offending petals in the nearest bin, Javier gathered himself back up and returned to the rink. Brian and David had their heads together, the latter gesturing with agitation, when they noticed him stepping back on the ice and dropped their conversation abruptly.

“Javi! Are you okay?”

Javier knew they were talking about his little escapades. It wasn’t the first time and, considering the look of things, it wouldn’t be the last either.

“Yeah, I somehow managed to get a cold in summer and now I have this nasty cough remaining.” He cleared his throat, ignoring the still painful drag of it. “Can we continue?”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, that’s it. I’m done.”

Javier dropped the controller on the coffee table, throwing his arms in the air as he fell back onto the sofa with a resentful huff.

Yuzuru just laughed harder, eyes leaving the television screen to look at the other’s defeated form. “Another?”

“No. I’m rage quitting.”

“Javi a sore loser~,” Yuzuru hummed mockingly. Putting his own controller next to Javier’s on the table, he leaned towards him with wriggly eyebrows. “Is okay, I just very, very good.”

“You’re terrible and I hate you.” Javier took advantage of their closeness to put his hands on Yuzuru’s face, squishing his cheeks as the other giggled. “You ruined my winning streak!”

“That because you only play with bad people. Now you play with me and lose all the time.”

“Whatever you say, oh mighty champion.” Javier stood, taking a mocking bow before Yuzuru and scurrying away cackling as his friend lunged at him. “Stay there, I’ve got something for you.”

When Javier came back from the bedroom after retrieving the item, Yuzuru was waiting for him expectantly, sitting on his folded knees on the sofa. His eyes brightened with curiosity when he spied the folded fabric between Javier’s hands.

“Gift?”

“Don’t get too excited, it’s nothing big.” He didn’t know why Yuzuru’s dark gaze was making him feel so exposed, but he couldn’t control the sudden rush of heat up his neck. “Just a little something to wear when we meet in Barcelona.”

Yuzuru threw his head back with a bark of laughter when the red and yellow t-shirt with ‘España’ proudly emblazoned on the front unfurled between his hands. Javier grinned in turn, all traces of insecurity banishing in a blink.

“It felt appropriate.”

“Don’t know you want me to wear your colours.”

“Red is also your colour, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru’s smile dialled down into something softer as Javier took a seat beside him again. "Now Javi have to get to Barcelona with me. Promise?”

Yuzuru tilted his head and stuck his pinky out, waiting for the other to catch on. Remembering when a younger Yuzuru had taken the time to explain how pinky promises worked between gestures and very broken English, Javier curled his own pinky around the other’s and shook once.

“Promise.”

Javier didn’t realize they’d been drifting closer until the loud vibration of his phone against the table made them both jump. He shot a look at the screen and caught Miki’s name before it went black again.

Yuzuru stood up abruptly, clutching his gift in his hands. “…I need bathroom.”

A little surprised by the swift change of attitude, Javier watched him go before grabbing his phone and reading the whole message.

                > I spoke with my mother today and she said she can keep Himawari. I’m going to visit in two weeks! I’ll give you the details later, xoxo

Javier felt his body relax, a relieved smile pulling up his lips. It was time.

                < Can’t wait!

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuzu is back! Well, actually _Javi_ is back at TCC, but the end result is the same; commutative property, yadda, yadda :P
> 
> Next chapter: Miki comes to visit and some things change, some things stay the same.


	5. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a turning point only raises more questions.

 

 

Having Miki with him in Toronto was not how Javier had expected, he soon realized.

It was nothing bad. He enjoyed showing her around, taking her to his favourite places in the city and catching up over drinks, under pub lights. Her smile brought good memories of the summer: sun on his skin, childish laughter and soft breaths next to him at night. But it was also such a break from his tried and true routine during the season that he couldn’t shake the feeling of something being off.

As he fell again on his quad salchow, he gritted his teeth at how his relationship wasn’t the only thing that felt off.

“You’re losing control over your axis,” Brian skated up to him and patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. Javier stayed bent over, catching his breath and wrangling down his rising frustration. “Take-off position is already tilted and it’s throwing the jump off.”

“It’s all fucked, today.”

“It’s not a big deal. Just keep your focus and the jump will happen, it’s not gone.”

Javier looked up and caught sight of Miki on the other side of the rink windows, seated on one of the armchairs and trying to cheer him on with a smile and a thumbs-up gesture. He waved back half-heartedly, before straightening and pushing off to try again.

It was so weird.

He glided across the ice, trying to empty his brain and trust his body’s muscle memory as he set up for the jump.

But why was it weird? She was wonderful, he liked her, they had fun together. There were beautiful, terrible petals in his throat for her.

It shouldn’t be weird.

When he couldn’t control the landing and the ice came up to meet him, Javier stopped fighting and just laid there, feeling the cold quickly seep in through his clothes and into his chest. He wanted to laugh when it turned into the telling tickle at the back of his throat.

“Javi…” Brian tried to give him a hand, concern dripping from his voice, but Javier stood up without even looking at him.

“Sorry, Brian; I’m done for today.”

He didn’t wait for a reply, skating towards the edge of the ice with his head down and his shoulders tense, quickly donning his skate guards before leaving the rink.

He didn’t know how long he stayed under the hot spray of the shower, ineffectually trying to clear his throat until the coughing started and another petal came up. He watched in morbid fascination as his fingers took on a purple tint when he crushed it: such a fragile thing, and still capable of such damage.

He didn’t stay to watch it disappear down the drain.

Javier wasn’t surprised when he found Yuzuru waiting for him in the hallway, skin flushed and hair still damp from his own shower. Some part of him appreciated the show of support, but another part of him wanted so badly to run back into the locker room, to run away from any clichéd words of encouragement that he didn’t have the stomach to hear.

In the end, he didn’t have to.

Yuzuru’s gaze was solemn, knowing, and he didn’t say anything as he walked up to Javier and wrapped his arms around his neck in a hug. He was so warm, the close embrace dulling outside noise until all Javier could hear was his own pulse beating in his ears and the soft rush of Yuzuru’s breath against his neck.

Javier closed his eyes tightly, pulling his friend closer at the waist as he tried to drown all his worries and just breathe as the painful knot in his chest loosened.

He was the one to take the first step back, breaking their embrace but leaving a hand on Yuzuru’s nape as he smiled.

“Thank you.”

Yuzuru nodded softly in acknowledgement, before silently walking past him in direction of the offices.

Javier jumped a little in surprise when he found Miki casually propped against the wall as he turned the corner in the hallway.

“Miki, hey. I thought you’d be at the cafeteria.”

“You didn’t look happy and were taking too long, so I thought I’d try to help,” she told him, expression neutral. “Then I saw Yuzuru was with you and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Javier felt something weird stirring inside his chest at the thought of a private moment like that being not so private. “You could have said something.”

“But you looked so calm. I didn’t want to disturb that.” Pushing off the wall, Miki walked up to him and stretched to leave a gentle kiss on his lips. “Whatever helps you feel better, I’m happy.”

Javier sighed, kissed her back.

Why wasn’t this enough?

“Staying at home curled on the sofa sounds great, right now.”

“Let’s do that, then.”

Miki took his hand in hers and pulled him along.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru stormed into the locker room one day after practice, abruptly shutting down Javier and Nam’s banter as he threw his gloves on the bench and sat down to aggressively unlace his boots. The other two looked at each other in alarm, trying to gather who would be brave enough to poke the beast.

After much pointed nagging and gesturing from Nam, Javier took the plunge.

“So. What’s goi-“

“I don’t go to Finlandia.” Now barefooted, Yuzuru stood up to take off his shirt. “Back too injured. Brian say I must rest for Grand Prix.”

“That’s good, right?” Nam only recoiled a little bit when Yuzuru glared at him. Javier was impressed.

“No, is not. I Olympic champion, people expect I skate.” He threw the shirt into his suitcase with a vengeance, bitterness clear in his face. “Hate this.”

“People won’t get angry because you’re injured, Yuzu,” Nam tried to reason with him. “I mean, I’m sure your fans will be worried and all that, but-“

“Is it official?”

Yuzuru’s glare let up a bit when confronted with Javier’s seriousness. “Brian not make public, yet. But is decided.”

“Then there’s no point in worrying about it, is there? Forget Finlandia, it’s no longer important.” Javier grabbed Yuzuru’s wrist, stopping the nervous rearranging of his clothes and making sure their gazes met. “Barcelona is what’s important.”

Tense silence filled the room for a moment; then, Yuzuru’s whole body seemed to melt, head dropping as he put his other hand over Javier’s. “Barcelona. Okay.”

“That’s it.” Javier smiled, relieved. “And if you ever feel like hitting something, call me and we’ll arrange a gaming night.”

At that, Yuzuru’s expression shuttered again and he took his hand away, turning back to his suitcase to quickly grab a change of clothes and his toiletries bag. “But Miki here with Javi. Not want to disturb.”

“You wouldn’t be. I’m sure she’s fine with-“ Javier didn’t get to finish his sentence before Yuzuru had run off to the showers. Sitting back with a groan, he rubbed his hands over his face and turned to look at Nam. “Okay. That was weird, wasn’t it?”

Nam just snorted. “Which part?”

Javier thought about it for a minute. “Everything.”

 

* * *

 

There was a clock hanging on the wall of Javier’s bedroom in Toronto.

It had been there already when he started renting the apartment. His initial idea had been to take it down, since he had a perfectly functional digital clock to put on his bedside table that he could actually see in the dark. As time passed and he procrastinated on doing the job, though, he became used to its soft ticking: it was useful as background white noise at night, and he found he quite liked it.

Thus, the clock got to stay as a permanent fixture. Always ticking.

Javier hadn’t been as conscious of the passage of time as in the silence that spread between him and Miki after she woke him up from one of his coughing fits.

She kept looking between him and the petals on the pillow with growing horror.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Javier took a petal and rubbed it between his fingers. It was so soft. He sighed.

“You know what this is, don’t you?”

“ _Hanahaki_.” It sounded different in her voice, compared to all the videos he had seen. Natural. “We tell so many stories in Japan, but I never thought I’d see it. It’s so rare.”

“Well, here I am.”

“Javi.” She moved closer, small hands closing over his one. There was tension around her eyes and on the worried lines of her mouth, stark in the low light of the bedside table. “This is very serious.”

He closed his eyes. “I know.”

“Do you, really?” A shrill note was starting to take over her voice and Javier couldn’t blame her. “You could die, Javier! How are you so calm? How long’s it been-?”

“It’s okay.” He put his free hand on top of hers, rubbing back and forth soothingly. “It’s uncomfortable, not gonna lie, but it’s going to be fine.”

“Are you having the operation? I can try to stay longer and go with you, if you need.”

“What? No.”

“Okay,” she sighed. “But please, please call me when it’s done, yes?”

“Miki, I’m not having the operation.” Javier reared back, shaking his head. “The season’s just starting!”

“Forget skating, this is so much bigger!” Miki grabbed his face in her hands, desperation widening her eyes. “If they don’t take it out it will only get worse until-!”

“But there’s no need! The petals are for you.” Javier smiled, bright and hopeful, holding her wrists gently. “It’s fine if you don’t love me yet, I know this is all very sudden and I don’t want to pressure you. But we have a good thing going, right? It will resolve itself.”

Miki threw off his touch and sat back, eyes filling with tears as she looked at him in disbelief. “Javier, no.”

“As I said, it’s uncomfortable, but I’m still fine. We’ve got time.”

“But it’s not me. You don’t love me, not like that.”

Javier’s smile tensed into a forced grimace, blood freezing momentarily in his veins.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

This wasn’t happening.

He felt himself boil, fear and despair raking him from the inside.

“Of course it’s you! It started when _we_ started, Miki, who else could it be!?”

“I don’t know! But it’s not me.” Her hands went up to her mouth, trying to keep the gasping sobs contained as she watched him pull at his hair in frustration, but her grief was impossible to ignore. “I know you like me, and I like you too, but something like that doesn’t grow in a few months. It’s not me.”

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Realization spread through Javier, leaving a terrible numbness in its wake. He looked at Miki and saw what she saw: he saw himself trying desperately to build castles in the air, convincing himself of the existence of something that wasn’t there and could never be there.

They were doomed from the start, because he brought doom with him in the form of petals in his chest.

It was over.

“…Oh my god.”

Miki sniffled sadly and threw her arms around him, drawing him against her chest as they both cried.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

It was one of the longest nights of Javier’s life.

 

* * *

 

“I can’t have the operation, Miki. Not yet.”

“Javi-“

“How can I be so in love with someone that this _thing_ grows in my chest but not know it?”

She sighed, petting his hair as he lay with his head on her shoulder. “Maybe you’ve been looking in the wrong place.”

“Where’s the right place, then?”

“I don’t know, you’ll have to find out. But Javi, you should consider-”

“I’m not having the operation until I know. If my memory and my feelings are going to change, I want to know what I’m losing. And I do have time, for now.

“For now.”

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

“ _Hanashobu_.” When Javier raised his eyebrows in confusion, she just smiled tenderly and put her hand on his chest. “The flower that grows here. I see it a lot back home, it’s beautiful. I’m sorry I don’t know the English word for it.”

“Maybe I should start there.”

“Maybe.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is shorter than usual, but it has too much of a natural end to change it. At least the flower finally has a name!
> 
> Next time: research is not easy and the season starts.


	6. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new search, unspoken comforts and Skate Canada.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to put this one out there before my number of pending lab reports grows anymore, so here you go!

 

Miki had come to Canada as his new girlfriend, but left as a good friend for life.

There were no hard feelings between them, no great sadness at chances lost: as Miki had said, they’d been together for too little a time to develop a deeper relationship. Their break-up was sharp and clean, no torn, bleeding edges left behind. The bud of their friendship continued to grow in its wake, buoyed by the intimacy of secrets shared, and it was as if the time spent as lovers had been nothing more than a small interlude.

The end of one thing was always the beginning of something else, though, and Miki’s first act of friendship had been to leave Javier with a clue, a little bit of information to send him off on his search.

 _Hanashobu_. It was something.

Javier had his first real look at the root of all his problems after a quick internet search led him to photographs upon photographs of flowers, many with the same petal shape as the ones he kept coughing up. In between the wide spectrum of colouring, there were even some deep purple ones that looked so terribly familiar that he couldn’t look at them for long before nausea started roiling in his stomach.

Being face to face with it made the situation that much more real and inescapable. He’d been so sure Miki was the answer to every question before, the blind belief that eventually she would make everything okay had become akin to a safety net that made him feel safer. Now, the uncertainty of not knowing where his fate lay loomed over him like a dark shadow, feeding his fear.

Bypassing the photographs as much as he could, Javier took note of the other names attached to them.

 _Iris ensata_. A type of Japanese iris.

Further research led him down a rabbit hole of looking at flower meanings and the subsequent growing frustration as different sources claimed different things, and he was sorely tempted to throw his laptop against the wall more than once.

It was just a flower. Why would people attach so many meanings to a damned flower?

If he were to go with the most popular one, the purple iris was a symbol of royalty. This was of no help, since those were in short supply and he was pretty sure there wasn’t a possibility of him being in love with a royal.

It was stupid. The whole thing was stupid.

Javier didn’t know what else to do.

 

* * *

 

He found himself paying extra attention to the people he interacted with on a daily basis.

His next door neighbour, who was a harried-looking Business student that nonetheless periodically found the time to go out with him and talk about life and how much she hated group projects over a couple of beers. The guy at the coffee shop he visited when he didn’t feel like brewing his own some mornings, who knew his order by heart and had the nice, dimpled smile that inevitably made Javier smile in return, early hours notwithstanding. The new girl that started working at the Cricket Club’s cafeteria in the summer and never left, who greeted everyone with enthusiasm and he could sometimes see giving him thumbs-up gestures from behind the window after a run-through on the ice.

Javier smiled and made small talk as usual while he analysed every gesture, every glance, trying to discern if any of it sparked something inside him.

There was nothing. He knew many nice people and he appreciated each of them in different ways, but there was nothing new, nothing hidden that Javier could have missed while looking elsewhere.

He was coughing up a few petals almost every night, now, and even when he managed to sleep through the fits he woke up with an ache in his chest and his throat that was becoming his most faithful companion.

He felt so tired.

“Javi okay?” Yuzuru asked as he skated up to him on one of the bad days. Javier felt hands on his hips, pushing him along and away from the rest of their disbanding stroking class.

_There’s a flower growing in my chest and I don’t know who put it there. Of course I’m not okay._

“Yeah. I just slept badly.”

He was doing his best to infuse his usual lightness into his tone, but even as he spoke he knew his poor attempt wasn’t going to fly. Clearly unconvinced, Yuzuru stopped them both short and skated around to face him. Yuzuru’s lips twisted in a worried frown as he tilted his head, trying to meet the other’s eyes.

“You look tired. Here.” He raised a hand to Javier’s face, index finger tapping gently under his eye. “I worry. You don’t talk to me.”

Javier knew what he meant. The dark circles were there every night when he went to bed, and there every morning when he looked at himself in the mirror. Still, the caring touch and concern of his friend made some knot of tension loosen up inside: he had been so wound up in trying to understand his own feelings that he’d forgotten about those of the people closest to him.

“I’m sorry. Hug it out?”

No sooner had Javier opened his arms that Yuzuru had pushed himself in between them, closing his own around Javier’s waist. It was so warm, pressed up together like this, breaths misting against the other’s neck in a familiar rhythm while the sounds of the rink blurred together into background noise. Tension bled from Javier’s shoulders and he let Yuzuru take some of his weight, feeling the hold on his waist tighten in silent reassurance.

His life might have been spiralling out of control, but he had anchors, constants that didn’t change even in the middle of chaos.

He had Brian, talking him down from the edge of frustration after a bad practice. He had Tracy, staying after practice to drink a cup of coffee with him and remind him of how far he’d come. He had Nam, who did his best to leave his own nerves at his senior debut aside to cheer him on.

He had Yuzuru, who needed no words to comfort him and offered him a strong shoulder to lean on every time.

Javier stepped back, the hand he had on Yuzuru’s nape eventually falling back down to his side with distance. “ _Arigatou_.”

The smile on Yuzuru’s face widened and he skated away backwards, eyes fixed on Javier’s as he bowed theatrically before leaving the ice, silent himself but with Javier’s laughter filling the space.

 

* * *

 

From then on, Javier made sure to not shut other people out, even if he still was set on keeping his troubles under wraps. With his first competition of the season just around the corner, he did his best to shift his focus towards skating and away from his condition, limiting the time he spent on research to try and keep his frustrations manageable.

It didn’t always go as planned.

“Oh, _hanashobu_! Don’t know Javi like flowers.”

Yuzuru’s cheerful exclamation startled Javier out of his kitchen and back into the living room, where his team mate was sitting cross-legged on the sofa with Javier’s laptop on his knees and Effie happily purring away pressed against his thigh.

Javier must had left some tabs open on his browser last night, before his research turned again into going in circles and he rage-quitted all together.

“It’s not like that. I mean, they’re pretty to look at, but I’m not really interested.” The words tasted bitter in his mouth but Yuzuru didn’t seem to catch on, too preoccupied with browsing through photographs.

“For someone else, then?”

Oh, the irony. Javier had to bite his tongue against the rising need to start laughing hysterically. “Something like that, yes.”

“Is good flower to gift,” Yuzuru said softly. One of his hands rose to play absently with his necklace, and the back and forth motion was soothing enough to grab Javier’s wandering thoughts and put a lid on his fraying temper. “For protection.”

Javier sat down next to him, putting Effie on his lap and scratching behind her ears as she looked up all disgruntled at being moved but finally accepted his mute apology and settled again. “Protection from what?”

“Everything. Bad spirit. Bad people. Bad skate?” Yuzuru tilted his head, scrunching his nose in cheekiness. “Maybe I give _hanashobu_ to Javi and it helps.”

Javier snorted. “Are you calling my skating bad?”

“Quad sal a little bad, these days,“ Yuzuru chuckled, making a small gesture with his hand as Javier put a hand on his nape and shook him a bit in retaliation. “You need to keep focus, then jump okay. If think too much, jump not happen.”

“Have a lot of experience with that, don’t you?”

Yuzuru gave a bark of laughter. “I love quad sal, but quad sal not always love me back.” His face fell after that, eyes turned serious as he searched Javier’s gaze. “But both need quad sal to get to Barcelona. We promise.”

Javier looked down towards his chest, where Yuzuru’s hand patted at him to catch his attention before closing and leaving only the pinky extended. Javier wrapped his own around it again, keeping the gesture close to his heart.

Their promise had weight; he could feel it in his bones as if that link was a real, breathing thing that tied them together. It was a good kind of weight that gave him strength, something to look forward to. Seeing the brightness in Yuzuru’s eyes, the sweet curve on his lips, Javier was sure it was mutual.

“I remember. I’ll wait for you there.”

“Javi do that. I want to win against the best, so I need you.”

“You already have me. I won’t make it easy for you, though.”

“Good.”

Yuzuru’s cheeks grew pink with happiness and Javier found himself thinking that looking at him was like looking at the sun. As tempting as it was there was a kind of danger in trying, a risk of falling and irreversible change if one did, and yet he couldn’t stop.

Later that night, alone in front of the sink with a too full chest and an aching throat full of petals, something at the back of his mind wondered if he hadn’t been blinded by that light.

 

* * *

 

Skate Canada was tough. It wasn’t the plant in his chest that got him in the end, but his head.

“It’s all right. First time out,” Brian told him after the short program, both of them still seated at the Kiss & Cry. Javier kept thinking about the mistake on the axel, how a split second of hesitation had led to the pop and the souring of the program for him.

He was the favourite, the crowd had been right there with him as he put on his character and it had started so well. He could have done better.

It was enough for first place, but the seed of doubt had already been planted; and doubt had a way of surviving even the best of intentions from the best of people.

                > I watch video of short program. 4S look better!! (｡^‿^｡)

Yuzuru’s message caught Javier already in bed. Back-to-back competition days weren’t friendly to late sleepers, but Javier had learnt long ago to force onto himself as much rest as possible. He’d need his strength for the free.

                < Are you watching to cheer me on, or to check out the competition?

The response was quick and unsurprising.

                > Okay, bit of both.

                > But still want that Javi win.

Javier rubbed absently over his breastbone. He hadn’t felt unusually out of breath while skating, but his chest was dully throbbing now. He expected he would find petals on his pillow come morning, but hoped he could at least sleep through most of it.

He shook his head and focused back on his phone screen, pushing the thoughts away.

                < Are you sure? Mura is here, too.

                > Tell you a secret: I like Javi more (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)

His heart started beating weirdly faster. Leave it to Yuzuru to drop on him the kind of statement that most people would leave unsaid. He paused for a moment, hands hovering over the keypad as he weight his response.

It was just friendly banter, Javier reminded himself. He didn’t doubt that Yuzuru meant it, they did like each other, but there was no reason to read anything more into it.

He was taking too long. It probably looked suspicious.

Javier went with his gut and deflected.

                < I’m starting to get a bit lost with all the text emojis. Why so many lines?

                > Is blush! Everybody know that.

                < Are you blushing right now?

                > What? No!!

                < Then why use it?

There was a longer pause in the conversation. Javier understood why when the next message came in familiar Japanese characters. He smiled.

                < I know you’re calling me an idiot. I know what it looks like, you can’t hide it anymore.

                > Not hide. I call you idiot all the time.

Javier barked a laugh, content for the first time since he skated that morning, and lamented the impossibility of catching the feeling in a bottle to use later on.

                < I’ll tell you a secret, too:

                < You’re my favourite.

He felt weirdly exposed after sending those, as if he had shown a vulnerable part of himself that went beyond the established boundaries of their conversation and was subjected to rejection. But the person on the other side was Yuzuru: he would understand, wouldn’t he?

Javier watched the screen with trepidation as Yuzuru typed, then stopped, then started again.

                > I know. Good luck tomorrow.

He had the feeling that there should have been another blushing emoji at the end.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Javier couldn’t pinpoint exactly what made him fall apart in the free.

Skating last meant a long wait, which made keeping his body ready a tricky balancing business and left his head plenty of time to wander, piling the pressure on as the scores kept on coming. He could sense eyes on him, the weight of expectation increasing as the morning wore on, everyone waiting to see if he would deliver.

Javier felt anxiety cramming his throat, before it turned into something decidedly more substantial and he had to quickly excuse himself to the restroom. The wooden divider of the cubicle was reassuringly solid beneath his clammy forehead when the cough subsided, a handful of petals swirling down the drain.

Better out than in, he told himself. He had it under control.

He just had to remember to breathe.

As much as he tried to convince himself otherwise, he knew from the moment he set foot on the ice at last that his head wasn’t in the right place.

Every element was a battle. Mistake after mistake, he went on losing points as he fought to keep his feet under him in the jumps, to keep spinning even if it was travelling, to interpret a program that slipped through his clawing fingers and ended up being a far cry from what he had seen it could become in practice.

“Well, it was a good effort.”

He knew Brian was trying to make him feel better, to send through the message that, while not what was expected, his troubles here hadn’t been for naught and would help in the long run. Javier was too disappointed to believe him for now, but appreciated the sentiment all the same.

“I thought I had it under control.”

Javier wondered at the truth of that. On that day, his ‘good effort’ was enough for second, but with Barcelona on the line he could not afford to make any more mistakes.

Maybe it was time to ask for help.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...that light at the end of the tunnel might be the exit or an incoming train. Oh, dear.
> 
> Next time: the other shoe drops.


	7. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tracy opens Pandora's Box and disaster strikes.

 

 

The Cricket Club felt emptier when Javier got back. There were still plenty of people around, different classes coming and going to and from the ice, but with Nam and Yuzuru already gone off to China for their Grand Prix assignment it seemed to him that something was lacking in the air.

He kept glancing at Nam’s lastest message on his phone, the one attached to the selfie showing both his rink mates grinning joyfully at the camera from their plane seats while Brian looked on in amusement.

                > You’d better wake your lazy ass up to watch us in the morning!

Javier’s response was the last message in the conversation.

                < We’ll see. I need my beauty sleep to not end up looking like you, after all.

They either hadn’t landed yet or it was very, very busy in Shanghai when they did, because Nam had stayed silent so far and he was never silent. Javier typed a follow up:

                < Just make sure nobody tries to kidnap Yuzu, you know how it gets.

                < Good luck!

“Okay, I’m done with the kids now.” Tracy’s appearance at his side made him jump, and she patted him on the shoulder, laughing. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yes, but not here,” Javier said, eyes scanning over the amount of people around them in the rink. He felt exposed, even thinking about it. “Coffee?”

Tracy smiled. “Yes, please. You know my order, let me take off my boots real quick and I’ll meet you at the office, okay?”

Javier nodded and left towards the cafeteria. The girl at the counter tried to engage him in conversation as usual, but he wasn’t in the mood that day. He still looked at her as she worked on his order, following the quick movement of her hands and the swinging pendulum of her ponytail against the pale nape of her neck, too used by now to the process of trying to find something that moved him to not do it automatically.

There was nothing, of course. There’d never been. Not with her, not with anyone else around since he’d started looking.

That was exactly the problem.

The warmth of the cups against his hands was comforting after spending time in the rink, and the feeling spread even further when he nudged his way into Tracy’s office. He found her shuffling piles of paper around, trying to make space for him to leave their coffee on, and the image was so familiar that Javier couldn’t help but relax a little.

“I’d say sorry about the mess, but you know how it gets,” she chuckled. She took a sip first thing after he handed her a cup, sighing in satisfaction as she sat in her chair. “I needed that, thank you. So, what is it?”

It would be fine. Tracy was a good listener, and she wouldn’t judge him.

“Well… I’ve just been having a lot on my mind, lately.”

When he did not continue the thought, Tracy tried to pry it loose. “Is this about Skate Canada? I know Brian had a talk with you, he told me, but if you need anything else we can make arrangements-“

“No! It’s not that. I mean, it was one of the things that affected me, but this is different.” Javier looked down at the cup between his hands, trying to disguise the embarrassed flush he could feel rising up his neck. He didn’t like talking about these things, especially with people who weren’t directly involved. “It’s more… personal.”

Tracy studied him for a moment, silent. He raised his cup to his lips, needing to do something with his hands to hide from the scrutiny.

“Is it Yuzuru?” Javier sputtered as he almost choked on his coffee. Tracy didn’t seem to mind, expression thoughtful. “I didn’t think he would tell you how he fe-“

“No! No, no, no, it’s got nothing to do with him!” Javier’s throat was on fire after the too big sip of scalding coffee. As he kept on coughing, some part of him prayed it would not develop into a petal induced fit right there where Tracy could see him.

The rest of him was still reeling at the thought of Yuzuru and Javier’s own troubles with love and flowers being related. It was preposterous, wasn’t it? Yuzuru had been a friend, a fixed source of comfort even when he wasn’t aware of it, like always. He was sunshine-bright, a warm and caring presence who made Javier feel like everything would be alright in the end.

Yuzuru was a universal constant, for Javier; a constant wasn’t supposed to change.

Especially when change would mean rewriting the rules of his whole universe.

The office went silent for a minute after Javier’s alarmed exclamations and wild gesturing calmed down. His ears were still hot with shame after his outburst, and he tried not to think about how it must have looked to his coach while his breathing and heartrate went down to normal levels. Tracy’s face had turned unreadable, though; calm and neutral in contrast to him, but with a knowing glint in her eyes that left Javier feeling uneasy in his stomach.

“Okay, then. I’m out of ideas. You’ll have to tell me.”

Forcing aside the roiling mess that his thoughts had become, Javier took a deep breath and redirected the conversation to its original track. “How do you know when you’re in love with someone?”

“Good question.” Tracy sat back, sighing. “With a very different answer for everybody, I would assume.”

“Yes, but that’s not going to help.” Javier put his cup on the table between them and stood up, pacing back and forth in the little space as he ranted. “I just want to know: what is it that makes everything change from ‘hey, I like this person’, or ‘hey, I really care about you’, and all that to ‘love’? I thought I was able to see the boundaries pretty clearly, but lately I’m realizing that might not be the case and I must be blind. Or stupid. Or both.”

“You’re not stupid, Javi. And not realizing which direction to look in is not the same as being blind.” Tracy reached for his arm, stopping him in his tracks and forcing him to meet her eyes. “It’s not as easy as the movies would make you think. We’re just human, with our human failings and shortcomings.”

Javier chuckled, defeated. “Funny. Miki said something similar when we broke up.”

“Oh, come here.”

She stood up and drew him inside the circle of her arms, rubbing soothingly over his back as he sighed deeply against her shoulder, taking in as much comfort as he could.

“You think you might still be in love with her? Is that it?”

“She didn’t think I was, and I don’t know what to think anymore.” He snorted self-deprecatingly, trying to make light of the situation even as he felt his chest aching again with the proof of it being anything but. “I’m afraid I could be looking love right in the eye and not notice it.”

Tracy stepped back, watching him with motherly warmth in her gaze as her hands stayed holding his cheeks. “Maybe you’re looking too hard? Stop searching and just _feel_. You have such a big, good heart; it won’t steer you wrong.”

Javier just nodded. “Thank you. I’ll try.”

When he was leaving Tracy’s office, his phone buzzed with a new message:

                > Not like Yuzu needs anyone looking after him, but I’ll bat them away with a stick if I have to.

                > And you’ll never be as handsome as I am, Sleeping-Beauty-wannabe :P

He could always count on Nam to make him laugh to himself like a crazy person in the middle of the hallway.

 

* * *

 

As reassuring as Javier’s talk with Tracy had been in the moment, it didn’t make the problem disappear.

There was still something alive growing inside of him. He still felt enough for someone that the flower stayed in bloom, sending its thrice-damned petals up his throat. 

And as he lay wide-awake in bed one night, incapable of going back to sleep after the latest coughing fit, everything kept circling back around to Yuzuru.

Yuzuru had never been a possibility, before. In all the months since Javier realized what was happening to him, he’d never once thought it could be because of his rink mate. He hadn’t measured their interactions, hadn’t analysed his feelings, hadn’t paid any kind of special attention.

He hadn’t been looking. Everywhere else, yes; but not there.

Javier wasn’t sure if Tracy knew something he was missing, but her casual comment had opened Pandora’s Box and released a flurry of ideas and scenarios inside of him that could never be taken back.

Did he love Yuzuru? That was an easy affirmative. Javier loved the ease of his smile, how it had the capacity to brighten anyone’s mood in a split second. He loved his determination, the seemly infinite strength of will that kept him up on bad days, that made Javier want to be better himself to match. He loved his enthusiasm, the infectious joy on his face when he rambled about the things that interested him and tried to draw other people in. He loved how considerate he was, always trying to help, and how he was never afraid to say sorry. He loved his dry humour and the way he would chuckle under his breath when he teased him and called him an idiot.

He loved him because he was Yuzuru. Javier couldn’t fathom how anyone who knew him could not love him, how Javier’s feelings for his rink mate could be different from anyone else’s.

But it wasn’t just that, was it?

Javier also loved touching Yuzuru. The warmth of the other’s skin was like a beacon to him, his hand unconsciously finding places where direct contact would happen, and lingering there just that tad bit too long. He loved holding him at the waist and feeling Yuzuru lean his weight on him, a show of unspoken trust that Javier had never stopped to think about before. He loved watching the flush spread over Yuzuru’s cheeks when he tried to ruffle his hair and the other would bat him away with irritation, but a spark in his eyes.

It felt selfish, but Javier didn’t want that to be the norm for everyone. It was special, what they had; had been from the start. Unnamed, it had evolved slowly, unnoticed, past any boundaries they should’ve come up with. Precious and inevitable.

They were just Yuzuru and Javier. Nothing more. And nothing less.

Something akin to realization opened up like a pit in his stomach, and he felt his body grow cold.

He really was an idiot.

An idiot in love with his friend, it was looking more and more likely.

Quickly checking the time, Javier threw the covers away and went to find his laptop, settling back against the headboard as he turned it on and fired up the stream. Might as well do something useful with his time that he could hit Nam on the nose with, since sleep was very much out of the question with all the new revelations still spinning inside his head.

He was just in time to watch his young rink mate skate.

                < Not bad on the SP there, brother.

                < (I woke up, see?)

He wondered how Yuzuru was doing. The other hadn’t mentioned having pain related to his back in a while, so Javier supposed he was okay, physically. Javier had missed the warmup though, and didn’t have any kind of lead as to what could be going on inside his friend’s head.

Yuzuru’s need for perfection had always been a double-edged sword: it pushed him forward towards higher challenges, but was unforgiving of mistakes. Mistakes that, unfortunately, tended to follow his usual overthinking.

When Yuzuru finally took to the ice though, Javier found himself thinking that he looked beautiful. Instead of letting the thought fade away into nothingness, like he suddenly understood was his usual modus operandi, he let himself feel it, almost tasting it in his mouth.

He thought Yuzuru was beautiful. As he stood there with Brian, as he set up for his program. As he skated, even with the mistakes. Yuzuru obviously wouldn’t be happy with himself for that performance, but for once the other’s frustration was the furthest thing from Javier’s mind.

Javier was pretty sure he might be in love with Yuzuru Hanyu. It would make so much sense, and it would be so melodramatically tragic, considering.

They would never happen. Yuzuru would never love him back that way, the petals were solid proof of that, and Javier knew he would eventually have to make a choice where there were no happy endings for him.

He was so fucked.

 

* * *

  

Javier was in a weird mood all day, taciturn and withdrawn as he tried to come to terms with all the facts.

He was almost certainly in love with Yuzuru. Yuzuru didn’t love him back. The plant in his chest would keep growing until it choked him from the inside or he had the procedure to uproot it, which would take all his feelings with it.

Javier didn’t want that. As new as the name for his feelings was, he could not imagine himself without them. Yuzuru had been growing on him since long ago, stuck his hooks in Javier too deep to be ripped out with no damage left behind. For better or worse, Yuzuru had forever changed him, had too big an impact in his life and on his person, and Javier was afraid of how much of his current self would be lost if he went under the knife.

 _When_ he went under the knife. He wouldn’t let himself die from unrequited love: this wasn’t a Shakespearean tragedy and Yuzuru wasn’t really Romeo. It would have to happen, he didn’t have much of a choice. But the timing, he could still control that.

He had time, for now.

He went through the motions of training, of interacting with the people around him, and when he finally went to bed he dreamt of sleek vines sprouting underneath and wrapping tightly around his body, their hold crushing and terrible. No sound came out of his throat when he screamed; instead, the most gorgeous iris grew out of his mouth, proudly unfurling its purple petals as he choked, helpless and scared.

He woke at noon the next day to find a couple spots of blood on his pillow along with the usual petals and a chilling message from Nam:

                > He’s being taken care of and he’s gonna be okay, but Brian asked me to tell you not to contact him because he needs rest. I don’t know anything else.

                > Don’t watch it. I wish I hadn’t.

Javier’s blood ran cold.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice of Javi to have his big realization moment just in time for the Cup of Disaster T__T
> 
> Next time: the aftermath.


	8. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crash is like a stone dropped into a still pool of water: it makes ripples.
> 
> (Feat. some much needed giving and taking of comfort.)

 

 

_Don’t watch it._

As if it could ever be that easy.

Javier ran out of bed, tripping haphazardly on the sheets as he pulled up his social networks’ feed and went to get his laptop, pulse pounding in his ears.

It was everywhere.

_‘Yuzuru Hanyu and Han Yan collide on the ice during the six minute warmup of the Cup of China.’_

_‘Hanyu places second in Cup of China despite bloody collision during warm-ups.’_

Similar photos accompanied most news articles, making it impossible for him to ignore them: Yuzuru half slumped on the ice, blood dripping on his chin and down his neck as a medic tried to help him up; Yuzuru crying next to Brian in the Kiss & Cry, head heavily bandaged.

He crashed in the warmup, decided to skate anyway; fell five times during his program but managed to get silver.

Javier’s chest seized painfully, the incoming information like a vice grip on his heart that wouldn’t let up. Images and reports only painted part of the picture, though: he had to see for himself, read what happened in his training mate’s body language like he usually did, where Yuzuru could not hide.

He pulled the video up on his laptop and pressed play.

Yuzuru took the ice, blood washed away but for the spreading stain on his chin’s band-aid, and from the start Javier could see in his face that he was shaken, but determined. Then the music started and Javier had to grit his teeth as his friend stubbornly pushed through falls and evident pain to the end. It hurt to watch, so far away and helpless to do anything for him, but Javier wouldn’t take his eyes away. Yuzuru’s sacrifice deserved to be acknowledged and respected, no matter how much it made Javier’s insides ache with the sharp pieces of his broken heart.

 _I wish I hadn’t_.

Those four and a half minutes were some of the longest in Javier’s life.

The moment Yuzuru started outright sobbing on his screen at the score, Javier had to close the laptop and run to the bathroom, fighting for every breath against the painful feeling in his chest and the rawness of his throat. Time stretched to infinity as the hacking coughs took over his body, ugly and wet sounding, and the petals kept coming until his mouth was full and he gagged on them, eyes watering at the effort.

His legs gave out when the last one fell from his lips. Dropping to his knees in front of the sink, Javier pressed his forehead against the cool porcelain and forced himself to just keep breathing. He didn’t want to watch as the running water washed away the mixture of blood and saliva; there was already enough red in stark contrast to white engraved on his mind’s eye.

_“Red is also your colour, isn’t it?”_

_“Yes.”_

He remembered how happy Yuzuru had been with his new costume, how he had pointed the red accents to Javier and smiled like they shared a secret, no matter how silly and small.

Yuzuru had been so excited for the start of the season; now there was blood on his white collar and his body was battered in who knew how many ways.

Javier felt bile rise up his throat, scorching over already abused tissue, and his eyes filled with tears.

 

* * *

 

Javier couldn’t make himself watch the collision. He’d read countless recollections of it on the internet and he’d caught many people at the Cricket Club talking about it in low, worried whispers that died down every time he’d enter a room, but he didn’t think he could handle watching Yuzuru lying there on the ice, scarily motionless, waiting for help that took too long to arrive.

He knew he was wound too tight to cover with a fake smile, that there were deep shadows under his eyes and a roiling chaos beneath his veneer of calm that made most want to avoid him. Tracy, not one to be put off by any kind of temper tantrum her students chose to throw at her, had tried to engage him to no avail: even though Javier saw the pinched look in her eyes, her own worry painted like shadows on her pale skin, he didn’t want to talk about it. Not with her and not with anyone else there, really. Not now.

He wanted what he couldn’t have.

                < I know you must be hurting and everything’s crazy, I don’t want to add to that. I just hope you’re okay.

                < Please, tell me you’re going to be okay.

He knew Yuzuru had gone home to Japan for treatment, which was as far as Brian had been willing to tell him over the phone before shutting that conversation down for good.

“Listen, Javi. I know you’re worried, but right now Yuzuru is your rival and you have to compete next weekend.” Javier had tried to argue, but his coach’s tone had been final. “Trust that he is in good hands and focus on yourself. I’ll see you in Russia.”

Nam hadn’t been much more forthcoming, either. He was the youngest of their little trio, still barely more than a child in some aspects, and he’d had to watch in place as one of his friends that he looked up to so much went through that horrible experience. He understandably didn’t want to talk about it, and Javier didn’t push.

And so Javier steeped in his worry, going through the motions as he waited for a response; any little thing that would signal to him that the world would go back to normal. He had resigned himself to leaving for Moscow without any more news when he finally got his answer.

He was just starting with packing when a new message notification had him running over to his laptop.

                > Javi?

Pressing the video call button first thing in case the other thought he wasn’t there and left, Javier picked up the laptop and went to sit on the bed.

“Hello, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru was also in bed, lying on his side with half his face hidden by the pillow. There was daylight streaming from the window behind him, framing him in haloed light. He looked tired, his face somewhat sunken and his eyes duller, but managed a small smile for Javier. After the previous days and what had happened, Javier had to restrain himself from reaching a hand towards the screen to trace around the other’s features.

He had known Yuzuru was okay, in a sense, that he hadn’t just disappeared into thin air. But finally seeing him made the knot in Javier’s chest loosen a little bit.

“I don’t wake you, yes? I forget to count the time…”

“No, it’s fine. I was packing.”

“Oh, right. Cup of Russia.”

Yuzuru slid his gaze away, shuffling in place with a noticeable wince. Javier wanted so much to ask, to volunteer his help in any way he could, but he didn’t. The offer had always been there, implicit in his every gesture; Yuzuru sure knew that. It was his choice to take it.

Silence stretched between them for a minute, until Yuzuru’s low voice finally came through again.

“I not okay, Javi. Still so much pain, can’t even walk,” he sniffled, then frowned and rubbed at his eyes angrily. “So tired of crying. It stupid.”

Javier wanted to cry himself.

“It’s not stupid.”

“Yes it is. It don’t help with anything, don’t help with skating.”

“You took quite a hit, of course you’re going to need time to recover. Your body has to heal, let-”

“But I have no time!” The image shook when Yuzuru slammed his fist on the mattress. Even after everything came back into focus, Javier could still see the fire in those eyes, boiling beneath the frustrated tears. “I have to skate to get to Final.”

“Yuzu…”

“If not get to Final, then pain in China for nothing. All for nothing. I have to be in Barcelona.”

Javier’s hand rose to press against his breastbone, rubbing over the place where the usual ache was starting to spread and trying to defuse it. The last thing he wanted right then was having to leave Yuzuru hanging with his vulnerabilities painfully out in the open because he started choking on petals.

“You be there, too.” With a last sniff, Yuzuru dried the corners of his eyes and looked defiantly back into the webcam. “Go win gold in Russia, I cheer for you from bed.”

“Can’t do anything less with that kind of well-wishes, can I?” Javier asked, wistfully. This time his hand did reach towards the screen, fingers already tracing the outline of Yuzuru’s silhouette before he even noticed.

Yuzuru did notice, scrunching up his nose with a snort. “Silly Javi. That not how you do touching. Here.”

And he put his fingers up near the camera, checking the image on his side to make sure his face was still visible. The knot in Javier’s throat came back with a vengeance, his heart going on overdrive as he returned the gesture. It was very silly, both of them hovering their hands in front of their screens like idiots, feeling nothing but air against their fingertips; and yet it also made him feel a bit better. He could only hope it did the same for Yuzuru.

“I really wish I could give you a hug right now.”

It was bashfulness and not avoidance that made Yuzuru’s gaze drop from his, Javier knew the moment a slight flush spread over his friend’s cheeks. Yuzuru was capable of such great strengths, it sometimes was easy to forget that he was only a young man, struggling to carry the weight of a world’s expectations on his shoulders while he was still growing into his own.

As Nam had said, Yuzuru didn’t need anyone protecting him; he would always strive to overcome everything on his own. That didn’t mean Javier wouldn’t try to be there, with him and for him, as long as the other would let him.

Love, indeed. It was way more complicated and simpler at the same time than what he’d expected all his life.

“I wish, too. Javi hugs best.”

“I will make sure to squish you when we see each other next, then.” Javier grinned at his own attempt to lighten the mood, outright laughing when Yuzuru groaned and fell onto his back. “And you can’t complain since you asked for it!”

“Noooo~” Yuzuru threw a hand over his eyes in dismay, but Javier could still see the flush and smile on his cheeks. It really didn’t help with the need to touch that hadn’t stopped tingling at his fingertips.

There was a knock on the door on Yuzuru’s side, to which he seemed to answer in the affirmative because soon Yumi appeared in the frame. She left a tray with a big steaming cup and what looked like a couple of pill bottles on the bedside table before crouching down a little to meet Javier’s gaze on the screen.

“Hello, Javier. Happy to see you.”

“Hello, Yumi.” He waved at her, unconsciously straightening his posture. Her small smile picked up on one side, and Javier felt all sheepish at her noticing the gesture. “How are you?”

She tilted her head, eyes straying to her son. Instinctively checking him over, with a mother’s worried frown. “Scared, still.” Yuzuru dropped his hands to look at her, speaking softly in Japanese; Javier couldn’t understand the words, but the reassuring tone was self-explanatory. Yumi sighed, brushing Yuzuru’s fringe away from his forehead. “Getting better.”

Javier felt a bit like an intruder in the moment. The scene seemed too intimate for anyone but family and he didn’t want to impose.

He cleared his throat and grimaced: it was hurting again. The coughing fit that night was shaping up to be a big one.

“I should leave you to it, I’m sure you’re busy-“

“No, no, stay,” Yumi insisted, brushing the front of her clothes as she stood back up. “Yuzu call you?”

Javier didn’t know why that was important, but answered anyway. “Yeah.”

“Good.” He couldn’t see Yuzuru’s expression because his face was turned away from him and towards his mother, but she sounded approving. “Bye, Javier. Good luck in competition.”

After she left, Yuzuru rolled back towards the camera with a groan, hiding his face against the pillow. Javier was a bit confused, all of a sudden.

“What was that all about?”

Yuzuru didn’t look at him, but kept making noises of complaint. “Mom silly. Good intentions, but should stop.”

That didn’t clear anything up. “…Okay?”

“Javi have to go?” Completely ignoring his previous question, Yuzuru shook his head a bit and then winced, fingers carefully prodding at his chin as he changed positions. Javier knew he had gotten stitches on that cut; he didn’t ask about it.

“I have to pack for tomorrow, but otherwise not really.” An idea crossed Javier’s mind, then. It was very silly and even more cheesy, but if Yuzuru was bored and looking for a distraction, he would be happy to provide. “Hey, how about I leave this on the bed and you can have whatever your mom brought you while laughing at my attempts at fitting everything into one suitcase. Sound good?”

Yuzuru laughed his ridiculous laugh, a spark in his eyes that had been missing, and Javier had to blink away moisture in his as his own grin almost split his face. “Okay. I count how many curses.”

“Oh, is this a competition? What do I get if I win, a kiss from the prince?”

Javier’s remark was supposed to be in jest, but as soon as the words left his mouth he found himself thinking that he very much wished it wasn’t. His eyes dropped to Yuzuru’s smiling lips, and for a moment he let himself wonder how they would feel pressing that same smile against his own.

Yuzuru grinned, and it startled Javier back into the present. “I think about it. I also think about punishment for losing, so you have to try.”

“You’re on.”

It was infinitely silly, traipsing around his bedroom chasing down stuff, chattering randomly and inevitably cursing up a storm when he had to throw himself over his suitcase to close it, but it was worth it just to hear Yuzuru sputtering over his broth with merriment, an ocean away but close enough for warmth to bloom between them.

It felt like a piece of normalcy in the middle of the storm.

 

* * *

 

Javier’s mood was much improved after Yuzuru put an end to their silent stalemate, and he was feeling pretty optimistic when he got to Russia. He needed the win to mathematically qualify for the Final: he knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he had confidence.

Brian’s thoughts seemed to be going in a similar direction.

“Good, good. Keep on like this and you should get that ticket to Barcelona.”

Javier smiled, sweaty and out of breath after practice, rubbing at the base of his throat where gulping air down was beginning to sting: he was starting to get good at predicting when a fit was building up, and subsequently trying to contain it until he was safely alone behind closed doors. This way was momentarily rougher on his body, since when the fit finally happened it went on for longer and took more effort to ride out, but it let him continue with his normal routine without raising concerns.

The dull feeling of _fullness_ in his chest persisted, but he had become so used to it by then that he didn’t even really notice it anymore.

The short program went good. His quad salchow had shown up to play and he managed to salvage the axel, so he ended the day in first place.

“We had a little watch-party, even!” his mother explained that night over the phone, once Javier was back at the hotel. “Have to take advantage of the decent schedule, for once. More people are coming tomorrow, it should be fun.”

“You get too stressed to have fun while I’m competing, mom,” Javier chuckled, pressing the phone closer to catch some of the merry Spanish chatter in the background; the rest of the party must have been starting on dinner.

He missed home so much, sometimes.

“Well, the cava bottle is getting opened whether you win or not, I suppose.”

“I’ll do my best to give you a good reason to toast to, then.”

Enriqueta must have sensed something in his tone, because hers lost the joking manner and softened. “How are you doing, really? Whatever other people say, we will always be proud of you, no matter what. You’ve done so much already. Win or lose, you can always come home.”

Javier thought about the flower growing in his chest, how he still hadn’t said anything to anyone even now that he knew it wasn’t going away by itself. He thought about the pressure that was sneaking onto his shoulders, the need to deliver and get into the Final since it was, after all, going to be held in his own country.

What a poor representative of his minority sport he’d be to Spain if he didn’t even manage to get a place for himself in Barcelona.

“I know. It’s just normal nerves, I’m fine.”

His mother let him get away with that and dropped the subject, choosing instead to tell him more of those mundane anecdotes that made Javier feel a little closer to home.

Every bit helped.

 

* * *

 

The weight of a country’s expectations finally caught up to him in the free program.

Practice hadn’t been the best that morning, and Javier had barely managed to force down half his lunch.  Brian didn’t say much: they’d had the pressure conversation the moment Javier finally dropped the idea of taking a break and decided to compete in the Grand Prix, so their shared looks and the comforting hand on his shoulder were enough of a reminder.

Javier told himself he had nothing to prove, even if he failed to snatch the gold here: he had worked hard to get where he was, harder than most people looking at him would expect. But his heart wasn’t so easily appeased; he wanted it so much it hurt.

It really started hurting when his rising performance anxiety added to the illness already taken root in his chest.

Brian found him alone in one of the restrooms, bent over a sink as he rinsed his mouth and splashed cold water on his face, still coughing erratically. His coach overlooked the handful of slightly bloodied petals in the open bin next to him, his worry too focused on Javier’s face to notice anything else.

“Did you throw up? I can get you-“

“No, it’s fine.” Javier straightened, looking at himself in the mirror. He’d had his moment of weakness, but it was time to go back out there. “Let’s just go. Not long now, right?”

“It’s normal to be nervous. You don’t have to hide that from me.”

“I know. And I am nervous, but the only thing I can do is try my best, right?”

He patted Brian on the shoulder only for his coach to return the gesture by hugging him against his side; the contact was reassuring for both of them.

“Your training is there, just trust it and you’ll be fine.”

They walked back out to the warm-up section together, and Javier took comfort in the reminder that he wasn’t alone.

He was alone on the ice, though, and on the ice he had to fight against his labouring breaths and dwindling stamina in the second half of his program, saving what he could and popping what he couldn’t. All along he was very conscious of the score he had to beat, how every point counted, and took his strength from the support of the crowd as he got to the end, exhausted but happy enough with what he’d managed under the circumstances.

“It’s gonna be close,” Brian said at the boards, his smile belying the words but speaking to Javier’s effort as he handed his pupil’s skate guards to him.

Javier knew, but after everything that happened that day, it was fine by him as long as it got him to Barcelona.

“It’s okay.”

And it was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I feel kinda bad posting this just as we get news of Yuzuru's still-not-that-good condition. Let's just make a prayer circle so he heals and comes back stronger, like he did from all the CoC fiasco *crosses fingers*
> 
> Next time: off to Barcelona!


	9. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barcelona does not come easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life got hectic and I'm late with this one, but it's longer. We'll call it even, yes? :P

 

 

With his place in the Grand Prix Final confirmed, Javier’s schedule filled up quickly. He had to do press in Spain first, then more interviews once he was back in Toronto, all the while ramping his training up in preparation for Barcelona.

It was very busy. Most days he got home with only sweet thoughts of finally crashing onto his bed in mind, but his general exhaustion did have some perks.

Nobody really commented on the bags under his eyes after he had an especially rough night of little sleep and much coughing. If he had a couple of bad practices in a row people around him chalked it up to accumulated tiredness, and not the way Javier was noticing his lung capacity starting to diminish.

He could still skate, and skate he did; but the effects of the illness were beginning to make themselves known beyond the uncomfortable fullness in his chest and the painful coughing. The random spots of blood hadn’t left, either, and the worry that everything was on the brink of spiralling out of control now had a permanent home in the back of Javier’s mind.

He tried not to look too much into it: he was feeling enough pressure already at the upcoming events without throwing that beast into the mix.

When it came to the NHK Trophy though, Javier made time. His sleeping pattern was all shot to hell anyway, and he was too worried about Yuzuru to just miss it like he had the competition in China.

He knew Yuzuru had been struggling to skate after the crash, that his body’s many ailments still pained him and dragged him down. The state of his mind was not much better, from what Javier could read between the lines in their conversations: Yuzuru wouldn’t admit to weakness easily, but Javier could see that his usual confidence wasn’t there, that not being able to trust his body didn’t help to cope with his mounting anxiety.

Even so, Yuzuru was set on competing. Brian’s half-hearted suggestion of withdrawing couldn’t talk him out of going and Javier hadn’t even tried. It wasn’t his place, and considering Yuzuru had sacrificed so much already this season, of course the thought of letting all that effort and pain amount to nothing didn’t sit well with him.

No matter how scared Javier still was for him, too far away to do anything but send well wishes his way, he understood.

                < Effie and I will be cheering for you!

Effie hadn’t exactly been cooperative when Javier grabbed her paw to wave at the camera for the attached selfie, but Yuzuru didn’t need to know.

Javier didn’t expect an answer: he knew Yuzuru would have enough on his plate, but he had to at least try to get a smile out of him.

He got both.

                > Thank you. I need that.

                > Give Effie a kiss from me ( ˘ ³˘)♥

It was a good thing Javier was alone at home when he read it, both because he couldn’t hide the stupid, bittersweet smile on his lips and because the coiling tightness in his chest quickly grew into a handful of petals that had him retching for five minutes straight.

Nonetheless, it had been worth it.

From then on, Javier stayed silent and just watched from the side lines with bated breath and clenched fists as Yuzuru fought a battle against everything that stood in his path and, somehow, came out on top. Battered and clearly exhausted, but he’d stared fate down until he could make it happen.

After long minutes of typing, deleting and retyping, Javier had to admit to himself there was no easy way of conveying his feelings over text, especially when it was Yuzuru on the other end of the line. They’d see each other soon enough, where they would be face to face and all their layers of communication could be understood without having to fight with words.

                < You made it! You’re so crazy but I’m so glad you made it.

                < I’ll meet you in Barcelona.

Hours later, Javier was woken from his impromptu early morning nap by the buzzing of his phone on the bedside table. Squinting sleepily in the dim light, he reached for it and picked up the call without bothering to look at the screen.

“Yeah?”

 “…Javi?” Yuzuru’s voice sounded small, hesitant. Javier heard a low sniffle and startled awake in seconds. “I wake you, yes? So sorry, should not call-“

“Shit, no- Yuzu, it’s fine.” Cursing under his breath, Javier tossed the sheets aside as he scrambled to sit on his bed. He quickly moved the phone to his other ear and freed his right hand to swipe at the handful of petals on his pillow, in a gesture that had become automatic by now. This time there were noticeably more than usual, though, and some had come up bloody again. His throat felt sore when he raised a hand to rub carefully between his collarbones, wincing even at the careful touch over inflamed flesh. “I’m here. How are you doing?”

There was a beat of silence where Javier could only hear hitching breaths from the other side of the line. That didn’t bode well, but he knew enough to wait out Yuzuru; impatience and pushing would get him nowhere, no matter how his heart stuttered behind his ribs and his body tightened with the need to do something. Yuzuru had always followed his own rhythm, even after allowing Javier glimpses of it.

Finally, a small sob broke through the strumming tension and Yuzuru let go.

“All program, I only want it over. So hard, Javi, I just happy it over.”

“Oh, Yuzu…”

Something inside Javier shattered into sharp pieces as he listened to the young man he loved crying both in pain and relief alone in a foreign hotel room half a world away, unable to do more than whisper sweet nothings in his ear through a phone line while they both waited for the tears to run their course.

“I think ‘I want Barcelona very much, I _have_ to do it’. Tell Brian I skate, no question,” Yuzuru explained, after. His voice still sounded raspy, but the sobs had died down into the random sniffle here and there. “Then everything go wrong in the short and… I think I can’t do it. Body all wrong and _head_ all wrong and I am so afraid.”

“But you did it, Yuzu. Even with all that, you did it.” Javier kept blinking moisture away, trying to make his words steady because it wasn’t his moment to cry, no matter how he ached inside. “I’m so proud of you; I don’t even know where to start.”

Yuzuru tried to laugh it off, even if there was a wetness to it that bared everything to Javier. “Start by being your best in Final? Don’t want easy win just because of pity.”

“As if I’d ever let you win,” Javier chuckled back, clearing his throat. He appreciated the effort at lightness: he needed it, too, before he ended up offering truths that needed to stay hidden. “I’ll still squish you though, okay?”

“I squish you first.”

“Deal.”

Silence spread over the line once again, but it was the comforting kind. Javier laid down on the bed and closed his eyes: Yuzuru’s breath had finally stabilized, and hearing it this close was almost like having him on the bed with him. He instinctively reached a hand out, knowing he was going to be disappointed because there was no one there, but his fingers landed on something soft and delicate. When he opened his eyes there it was.

A deep purple iris petal.

He brought it in front of his face, examining the rich colour and the little veins, turning it this way and that. As many of them as he’d seen, it struck him that he’d never stopped to really _look_.

It was beautiful, like Yuzuru; velvety soft like his skin and delicate not in a fragile way, because Javier didn’t know anyone stronger than Yuzuru, but in a way that spoke of a bleeding heart that felt too much, too strongly.

There’d never been any hope for him, right? Javier was always going to fall in love with Yuzuru.

“Javi?”

It hurt.

 “Yes?”

“We go out in Barcelona, no matter what happens. You promise.”

He remembered. Javier dropped the petal back onto the sheets.

“Pinky promise, yeah? Can’t break one of those.”

He wondered how many he would forget when they ripped the physical representation of his love out of his chest.

 

* * *

 

Time seemed to speed up: two weeks was nothing when something like the Grand Prix Final was upon you, and Javier found himself checking in at the hotel in Barcelona before realizing. When the prim middle-aged lady at the reception counter beamed at him in recognition, asking for an autograph and telling him how proud she was of what he’d accomplished for the sport in Spain, it was like the other shoe dropping all of a sudden.

For the first time, Javier was on home ground.

As the day wore on and he fulfilled all of his scheduled media appointments, the feeling of eyes following his every movement and well wishes dripping with expectations only increased. He’d been so focused on his training, trying to isolate himself from outside stimuli and the baggage that would interfere with his desire to do well at the Final that it hadn’t registered.

Home ground meant extra support, but it also carried with it a kind of pressure that Javier didn’t usually get to feel.

That first night was a bad one. He kept tossing and turning in bed, praying for the obliviousness of dreamless sleep, but his mind was too awake. It only gave him more time to think, to conjure disaster scenarios in his head where everything he’d strived for went up in flames, and everyone who had smiled at him in hope of victory raised their accusing fingers at him in disappointment, instead.

He was awake when his body decided it was time to purge the accumulated petals in his lungs, and the choking sensation had him running towards the bathroom in a panic, clawing at his chest as the wet-sounding coughs made his eyes water.

Javier was getting very good at cleaning blood stains.

His family arrived the next morning. The usual greetings were exchanged and everyone took a seat at a secluded table in the corner of the hotel lounge to catch up, but Enriqueta kept staring at her son with an ever deepening frown on her face, ignoring her cooling cup of coffee.

“Javi, dear, you look so pale,” she interrupted. “Are you okay?”

He took a sip of his own drink to hide his face; he’d never been a very proficient liar, especially to the people who knew him best. “Yeah, it’s just lack of sleep. You know how travelling messes up everything.”

Her only answer was a small, doubtful hum. She didn’t look convinced.

“In that case, a good old afternoon nap should do the trick,” his father said with a smile, patting at Javier’s shoulder affectionately. “Practice starts tomorrow, yes? You’ve got time.”

“When does Brian get in?”

“This evening. Yuzuru, too.”

The mention of his rink mate was what finally got the searching look off his mother’s face. “How is he? I read about the accident in China, poor thing.”

It was a good question. They hadn’t spoken much after their last call when Yuzuru broke down, but Javier didn’t doubt that the other had been doing his best to get into competition shape. As friendly as their rivalry was, skating against each other usually made them withdraw a bit; it helped them focus.

“He was shaken for a while, obviously; but I’m sure he’ll be skating to win.”

“Don’t worry, that one’s tougher than nails,” Antonio chuckled. He elbowed Javier in the ribs good-naturedly. “He’s not gonna make it easy for you, or anyone else, really.”

Javier’s too-full chest ached sharply where his father nudged him and he coughed into his fist, raspier than he would have liked. He tried to cover it with a smile. “He never does.”

When they all stood to leave, his sister kept him in place as their parents went to the counter to pay for their drinks.

“You’re not still nursing that nasty cough, right?” Laura asked in a low whisper. “You told mom it was gone.”

Javier didn’t like where this was going. “I’m fine, really.”

“You’ve been acting weird for a while, don’t think I haven’t noticed.” Her reprimanding tone softened as she tried to meet his shifty gaze. “Look, I get it if you don’t want to worry them, but you can tell me anything. Partners in crime, yes?”

He wanted so much to tell her. The secret was getting too heavy a burden to carry on his own and Laura had always been a constant in his life, from his first memories. Dragging him with her, cheering from the side lines, keeping his feet on the ground; being each other’s confidante.

It would be so easy to just let go, to stop hiding, but once his condition was out they would try to get him on that operating table as soon as possible.

He couldn’t afford that, not yet.

“It’s not urgent.” When had her hand become so small in comparison to his? They’d been living apart for so long, he hadn’t noticed. “I’ll tell you when I’m ready, okay?”

“Okay.” She sighed, displeased and resigned, but squeezed back. “As long as you know.”

“I’ve always known.”

 

* * *

 

Brian took one look at him when he opened his hotel room door and sighed, ushering Javier inside with a warm hand on his shoulder.

“I knew this could happen,” he muttered as he motioned for his pupil to sit at the table. “Home pressure getting to you, eh?”

“I thought I was ready for it.” Javier crossed his arms, then dropped his face into them. “But then I got here and… yeah.”

“I know the feeling.” His coach snorted self-deprecatingly. Still, he left a reassuring pat on Javier’s arm. “It’s normal, but best we don’t make a bigger deal out of it; we’ll work through it like we always do.”

“Fucking up my salchow and then flailing through the rest until it gets better?”

Brian didn’t find his joke all that funny. “You’re so much more than that, anyone who cares to look can see it.”

“What if they don’t care to look?”

“Then you have nothing to prove to those people.”

It was that easy, and that complicated at the same time.

The pit in Javier’s stomach didn’t disappear.

 

* * *

 

He was drawing the covers back on his bed that night when there was a knock on his door.

Javier’s first though was that he wasn’t expecting anyone at this hour, since his family had gone back to their hotel; the second made his heart skip a beat, because he had a mad inkling about who might be standing on the other side of the wood.

He was right.

Yuzuru looked at him for a moment, sucking on his bottom lip as his eyes roamed over Javier’s face, filled with such a storming mixture of emotions that the Spaniard didn’t know where to begin untangling them. He didn’t get a chance either, because after that moment of stillness Yuzuru walked into the room and threw his arms around Javier’s shoulders, burying his face against the other’s neck with a sigh when they heard the door click shut at his back.

“Yuzu…”

Javier could feel him shaking his head softly, still silent. There was tension all along Yuzuru’s back; Javier started to rub his thumbs up and down in mute comfort as he hugged the other around the waist.

Yuzuru shivered.

“Lot of things happen and sometimes I feel alone. Miss everyone. Miss Javi.”

Javier’s throat felt painful; he wasn’t sure if it was because of the knot at his friend’s words, or because of the petals his love for that same person kept nurturing. He tightened his hold, regardless. “I’m always here. Only a call away.”

“Not the same.”

How long had it been since they last saw each other in person? Letting Yuzuru’s body heat sink into his skin through their clothes, Javier had to agree.

“Well, we both made it here in the end, didn’t we?” Javier put some distance between them when his pounding heart grew loud enough in his ears that he feared Yuzuru would feel it where he was pressed against his neck. He tried to put on his usual obnoxious smile, but the expression on his face turned out much more soft. “Barcelona.”

Yuzuru tilted his head, lips bowed gently in contemplation. “Yes. Like promise.”

Javier’s eyes were inevitably drawn to the other’s chin, where the skin looked slightly tender and reddened. He didn’t see the forming scar tissue, but the uneven, streaming lines of blood red and the open wound that had been there once. That was the only apparent remnant of Yuzuru’s ordeal: any emotional scars would be invisible, and the physical he kept close to his chest.

It wasn’t Javier’s pain to feel, but he couldn’t help the ache deep behind his ribs.

“…Javi?”

He realized, as if in a dream, that his hand was on Yuzuru’s chin, fingertips carefully smoothing around the mark. It felt tender too, hotter and a tiny bit swollen still. When Yuzuru’s lips parted on his name, Javier’s gaze was inexorably pulled upwards. The other had such nice lips; plump, shiny, soft-looking. How many times had he stared at them unthinkingly, too stupid or too in denial to realize what he wanted?

It would be so easy to give in. Just lean in a little, close the distance further, press their mouths together for a moment of bliss and satiated wonderment. It would last no longer than that, but then he’d finally know how it felt to be loved by Yuzuru Hanyu, even if it was nothing more than an instant of make believe.

But nothing after it would be easy. The explanations, the betrayal of trust, the risk to what they already had; Javier couldn’t do it in good conscience, he wasn’t that selfish.

Yuzuru had enough on his plate without him adding to it.

“Yes?”

“Can I stay here?”

They were no strangers to sleeping together: they’d dozed off against each other in many situations and were used to sharing Javier’s bed in Toronto to spare their backs from the more uncomfortable couch. It was comforting to have a familiar body and warmth by one’s side when in foreign hotel rooms, or when the pressure inside their heads made their own separate spaces shrink.

It was a wholly innocent request, one Javier would be glad to concede; god knew it would do him a whole lot of good too and help him relax. And yet, he couldn’t. The itching at the back of his throat was beginning to grow again, a sure signal of a fit building, and he couldn’t let Yuzuru see the blood and the petals.

They were for him, but not his fault. Yuzuru didn’t need to know.

Javier never wanted him to know.

“I don’t think-“

Yuzuru must have seen the hesitance in Javier’s eyes, because the spark in his own faded and something shuttered down inside. He stepped further back, out of Javier’s touch. “Is okay, I should not ask for that. Final is competition, not time for stupid things. Silly me.”

Javier could almost feel his heart breaking. “Yuzu, that’s not-“

“Focus on skate. You do same.” Yuzuru’s smile was tight and it didn’t reach his eyes. Javier made an aborted try at touching him again, but his friend was already far away and far more unreachable than the mere physical distance between them would suggest. “See Javi tomorrow at practice.”

“Please wait, I didn’t mean it like that-“

His only answer was a turned back and Yuzuru’s swift exit from the room.

He never wanted this.

As he had to leave his dejected seat on the bed to choke out bloody petals, the physical pain only adding to his emotional turmoil, his mind resounded with a dark thought:

_It doesn’t matter what you want._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Barcelona. Not as dreamy as everyone expected right off the bat...
> 
> Next time: the ups and downs of competition.


	10. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief study in home pressure, and how to fight against it.

 

 

Javier had long ago grown accustomed to the increased distance and silence that filled the spaces of his relationship with Yuzuru when they competed against each other. While there was no bitterness to their rivalry, they were still fighting for the same things, the same medals. Javier might not get as utterly, stubbornly intense as Yuzuru was known to do, but he still wanted to do his best and knew his best was a gold contender.

Distance was good for both of them; it helped them focus on their own performance until everything was done. It was normal, nothing to worry about.

If Yuzuru seemed colder than expected, barely nodding in his direction in acknowledgement and then evading his gaze all practice, Javier forced himself to not think too much about it. The perceived rejection hurt, but it was just another drop in the already overflowing sea of his troubles.

His family was there. His country was expecting him to do great things. The pressure in his chest wouldn’t let up and the aftertaste of blood in his mouth was a familiar companion.

Brian had been trying to talk him down from the edge all up to the short program. The look in his coach’s eyes got increasingly pinched with worry as the days wore on and Javier’s mood didn’t improve. It made Javier feel even guiltier about all of his internal fretting, because he was trying to snap out of it like many times before but just couldn’t, and while he didn’t know how things were going on Yuzuru’s side, Brian’s harried looks weren’t a good sign.

He wasn’t surprised when all of it finally came to a head in the short.

It wasn’t just the fall on his quad or the silly stumble during his choreo; the whole program was hazy, unfocused, bleeding out at the edges. Javier saw himself scrambling to perform a character that usually came so easy to him as if he was outside of his body, fully cognizant of disaster happening but utterly powerless to do anything about it.

As he stood on centre ice taking his bows, a sea of Spanish flags fluttering in the stands and the cheers of his people loud and echoing inside the venue, Javier felt undeserving.

The bitter taste of disappointment was not new for him; that didn’t mean it was welcome.

He excused himself from the media as soon as he could. Not being even in the top three after the first half of the competition and thus not required to speak at the press conference was a small mercy after everything that had happened, he guessed.

First his team on site and then his family back at the hotel had tried to cheer him up. His phone, when he glanced at it, was blowing up with incoming messages and mentions. Javier was grateful for their efforts, even if the words would take a while to sink in.

“It happens.”

“Pressure is tricky to handle; we all know that.”

“You got nervous and flubbed the short, so what. Don’t count yourself out yet, there’s still the free.”

                > VAMOOOOOSSS JAVI!!

                > Chin up, brother. Fight back in the free!

Even if it all sounded too cliché at first, the underlining message stayed with him. As he doubled over the bathroom sink, his whole body shuddering painfully through the aftermath of coughing up the day’s accumulated petals, that sentiment started reacting with his disappointment to become frustration.

Frustration became drive.

That evening on the ice, it wasn’t really him; only a poor, faded representation of what he could do. Aiming for perfection was a foolish, dangerous endeavour that could devour a person from the inside out, but striving to be the best version of himself? That he could do.

For the people who had put his trust in him. For himself, and the sacrifices he’d made to get there.

Javier straightened back up, looked at his reflection in the mirror. There was blood on his lips, bright red against his ashen complexion, but his gaze was razor sharp with a familiar kind of determination. He was a climber, he reminded himself; he had fought his way up from rock bottom and now he was higher than he’d ever though he would be.

It would take more than this to sink him.

He wiped his face clean, throwing the blood-stained towel away to deal with later in his haste to get back into the bedroom. His phone was waiting for him on the bed, still lighting up with incoming good wishes, and this time when Javier reached for it, it was to send a couple of responses back. That done, however, he found himself hesitating over the one name he’d successfully managed to keep from his mind until then.

He needed to unload as much baggage as he could for tomorrow: there’d be enough things he couldn’t control with him on the ice, and cowardice was not something he liked to see in himself.

                < Congrats on the SP. Looks much better, even with the combo trouble.

                < Good luck tomorrow.

Javier waited for a couple of minutes to see if Yuzuru would respond, but that conversation stayed silent. He was resigned to leaving that thread hanging unresolved after all and changing into his sleep clothes when there was a knock on the door.

He went to open it, dropping his shirt over his bare chest as he looked at the person in the hallway.

“Hello, Yuzu.”

The other startled, shaking his head slightly as his gaze came back up to meet Javier’s. He had a kind of deer in headlights look to him, eyes big and round as his cheeks pinked. Javier swallowed reflexively, something his throat didn’t agree with after the recent fit.

Hiding a cough behind his fist, he simply waved the other inside.

“I’m sorry.”

Javier stood before him, attention catching on the downward curve of his mouth and the furrow between his brows. Yuzuru looked dejected, and the Spaniard prayed that something else lurking behind his rink mate’s general demeanour was not pity.

He couldn’t take it if Yuzuru pitied him after today.

“Don’t be. You did well, be proud of it,” he said, turning away from Yuzuru’s unsettling look as he gathered his clothes and took them back to the closet.

“Not that.” Yuzuru’s steps were hurried behind him, and his touch burned on Javier’s skin when he tugged him back around by the arm. “I am a jerk to Javi. Ignore you even when I see you struggling.”

Javier sighed, dropping his gaze to the floor as he let Yuzuru’s touch slide down until he could grasp the smaller hand in his. The earnestness in the other’s eyes was too much. “You don’t owe me anything. And the competition-“

“Competition is competition, Javi is Javi; different things.” Yuzuru brought his other hand to cradle Javier’s, stepping closer and tilting his head to peer at the Spaniard’s downturned face. “I understand home pressure. You can talk to me.”

Javier looked up at him from underneath his eyelashes, found a small smile and an entreating expression. Yuzuru’s thumbs kept rubbing over the back of his hand, absentmindedly; Javier was sure the other didn’t even notice he was doing it.

He told his pounding heart it meant nothing.

“Is it always like this?” he sighed. “I’m so grateful for their support, but every look feels like judgement and I can’t breathe through it.”

“Is always special, when skate home. But it get more easy with time.” Yuzuru threw him a cheeky wink and Javier snorted under his breath. “Is just first time for you, so is normal.”

“I don’t think Spain will get enough of these for me to get used to it, though.”

“Don’t know. We here because of you, yes? Is Javi that make figure skating big in Spain.” At Javier’s pointed look, Yuzuru conceded with a dramatic eye roll. “Fine, more big. Less little? Whatever. Final in Barcelona only happen because you are top skater. Remember and be proud of that.”

Yuzuru looked so solemn at the end, so serious. Hearing those words in the voice of his direct rival, Olympic champion and unlikely friend and partner made the knot in Javier’s throat loosen.

Even when he didn’t believe in himself, Yuzuru believed in him. So did his coaches, his family, all the people who cheered for him even after that evening’s disastrous skate. That belief had weight, and it had value.

Javier dropped his forehead against Yuzuru’s, eyes closed as he let himself relax for the first time in days.

“Thank you.”

Yuzuru didn’t ask if he could stay, but Javier didn’t tell him to leave, either. They laid side by side on the bed, lights dimmed to their lowest setting, and dozed between sleep and wakefulness.

It felt comfortable, cosy and warm; perfect breeding ground for shared secrets and concerns. Javier’s had run their course for the day, but Yuzuru still seemed to have something eating at him: he kept shifting in place, fingers tapping at a spot under his navel, wincing from time to time.

Javier didn’t ask if he was okay. No doubt there were still some lingering aches left from the crash, but since Yuzuru wasn’t mentioning them the Spaniard didn’t want to pry. They all had their secrets.

“Javi.”

Finally, Yuzuru spoke again, so soft Javier wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t paying attention.

 “Yes?”

“I don’t tell Brian this, but…” He turned on his side to face Javier, then hid his face in the pillows. "I still nervous in warm-up.”

“Yuzu…”

“I so scared, at NHK. Back home skate in rink full of children, no problem; but only six people at competition so bad.”

“Well, children are not jumping quads and skating at breakneck speed.” Javier wanted so badly to touch him, his hand was halfway there before he realized he’d moved. He let it fall between their bodies in a, he hoped, less invasive demonstration of support. “It was already terrifying to watch; of course it was worse for you.”

“I still skate, though. Know why?” Yuzuru eyed the other’s open palm before covering it with his own. He raised his gaze and Javier could see steel in his gaze. “I more scared of not making the Final.”

“And now here you are.”

“Very close. But yes.” His grip tightened on Javier’s hand and his eyes sparked fiercely. The Spaniard couldn’t look away, even if watching awoke the hurt lying dormant inside. “I do my best to win tomorrow. And I want Javi with me on podium.”

“We’ll just agree to try our best and we’ll see about that placement, okay?” Javier chuckled. He knew challenging Yuzuru for the win wasn’t really in the cards anymore, but the normalcy was welcome.

Yuzuru scrunched up his nose, eyes dancing. “Deal.”

They fell asleep with their hands still entwined. When Javier later woke up in a panic, gasping for breath as iris petals clogged his airways, his companion was already gone.

It was both a blessing and a curse, since the yearning feeling in his heart only seemed to make the plant want to dig its roots deeper.

 

* * *

 

The next evening, back on the ice once again, Javier was not perfect, was not even at his best, but he was enough. The smothering pressure hadn’t disappeared, but this time he fought back with all his might; this time, he didn’t fade.

It wouldn’t be enough for gold, not after Yuzuru stormed the ice with an all but clean Phantom and a cheeky fall on that stubborn lutz of his. Considering the storm that had been raging on in Javier’s head just the day before, that was still there lurking underneath his competition nerves, it was a win in some sense.

Not for Javier Fernández the top skater, who aimed for gold and was disappointed at his overall performance that weekend; but for Javi, who’d felt so lost under the myriad Spanish flags and still had managed to gather enough courage for a comeback that landed him silver.

For this once, it was enough.

Yuzuru was all smiles as they waited at the boards for the medal ceremony, flashing the biggest grin ever at anyone around who got his attention. Under the cover of dim lighting and the crowd around them, Javier let himself look; it was different, now that he knew what the feeling swelling in his sore chest was.

Yuzuru was strong, steel at his core and fuelling his determination, but he was also a study in curves. The curve of his neck as he bent his head in thanks. The slope of his shoulder, that sparkled with hidden stones between the ruffles of the new costume. The sinuous line that dipped at his waist and swelled with his hip and over his thigh.

The joyful, close-eyed smile and the smooth bow of his lips, when he turned around with Javier’s name on his tongue.

Victory had always looked good on Yuzuru; it lit him up from the inside with a fire that Javier had never been able to look away from.

“Difficult going against him, yes?” Sergei asked, as the champion took his bows under the spotlights at centre ice.

Javier glanced at him, both of them still clapping. The Russian’s eyebrows were raised pointedly, and Javier understood the seemingly off-handed comment was not so innocent. He tried to brush it off, anyways. “Well, yeah. He _is_ very good.”

“So good you can’t stop looking?” His friend smirked at Javier’s amused snort, then patted his shoulder in commiseration. “It’s okay. You still did very good, too. Win next time.”

“What, against you in the Euros?”

He could hear Sergei’s barking laughter in the background as his name was called and Javier took to the ice.

Yuzuru, ecstatic and practically vibrating on his spot in the middle of the podium, was encouraging the crowd into a frenzy as Javier took his heartfelt bows. The grin when the Spaniard bowed his head at him was sun-bright, and Javier had to close his eyes against the terrible fullness of his chest when they hugged.

The flutter of Yuzuru’s breath at his waist, underneath Javier’s palm, was almost too much.

Javier returned the smile and swallowed down the urge to start coughing, but he could already taste blood on his tongue.

 

* * *

 

 “Javi, photo!”

“Okay, okay.”

The moment they got into the locker room, Yuzuru grabbed his arm and pulled him down next to him on one of the benches. He went on to resettle both their medals as Javier stretched towards his bag to get his phone.

He looked for Sergei, who had entered the room just behind them. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all. You two make a nice picture.”

Sergei took the offered phone with a cheeky smile that had Javier eyeing him in warning, but said nothing more as he stepped back to line up the shot. Yuzuru shuffled closer to Javier until their thighs were pressed together, then wrapped the hand with the flowers around the Spaniard’s waist and threw up a peace sign at the camera with the other. Javier could feel the heat running up his neck as his skin burned across the wide expanse of their contact; swallowing against his dry, itchy throat, he returned the hold at Yuzuru’s waist and smiled.

“There.”

“Thank you.”

Javier took his phone back, checking the picture as Sergei stepped away towards his own bag with a wink. They did look good together, but he was probably biased. Yuzuru hooked his chin over his shoulder for a peek, and Javier couldn’t contain the shiver that travelled up his spine when the other’s warm breath fluttered over his pulse point.

“Very nice, yes? Send to me later?”

Javier’s shortness of breath went from something rhetoric to something very real.

He had to leave.

“Will do, okay? Sorry.”

He stood up abruptly, shucking his medal and phone into his bag before making a run for the bathroom stalls in the next room. Yuzuru didn’t follow this time, which was the only thing Javier could be grateful for in the middle of a fit that had petals falling from his lips in a macabre, bloodied rain.

When Javier finally managed to get to the press conference, Yuzuru’s smile was dimmer and there was worry in his eyes. Trying to pull up the happy feeling of before, the Spaniard managed a reassuring smile of his own just for his rink mate, before turning to look ahead for the cameras.

Yuzuru’s smile was again nothing but cheerful for the rest of the night, and Javier breathed a sigh of relief.

Later, after having dinner with his family, Javier pulled up the photo. He didn’t know how long he spent staring at it, his eyes drinking in the image, his body remembering the warmth and sheer happiness Yuzuru had exuded.

He sent it to Yuzuru; then he sent it to Nam.

He got a swift response.

                > You two look like you just got married. Tell Yuzu that, he’ll have a laugh over it.

                > Congrats on both accounts, and all that.

Javier snorted, but the amusement at Nam’s antics was somewhat bittersweet now that all the pieces had fallen into place. He couldn’t help but want that some of it was true.

                < I will hurt you.

                > Yeah, right. Play tough, but I know your weakness ;)

He rubbed absently at his chest, where his ribs were still aching like they were bruised; Nam couldn’t even begin to imagine how deep that weakness was rooted.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost that time of the year, so: happy holidays, everyone! \o/ ~~let us all ignore that the actual figure skating season is a thing, okay? Okay *dies from stress*~~
> 
> Next time: a Spaniard and a Japanese do some tourism. Because promises, that's why.


	11. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are many sides to Barcelona; Javier looks at them all through the same prism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I survived family dinners only to die because Japanese ladies at Nats. Editing some fluff seemed like a good idea after all that, so here you go.

 

 

Gala practice the next day turned out to be interesting. After the high tension of competition, people were enjoying the opportunity to finally relax and it showed.

Yuzuru was practically bouncing off the walls with happiness, high-strung despite the early hour and obviously still drunk on victory. It made for a very giggly picture, the kind that had more than one person around the rink sighing wistfully, as they followed the champion’s antics with a spark in their eyes and a smile on their lips. From his outsider’s perspective, Javier chuckled under his breath as he noticed the familiar symptoms of what he and Nam had long ago dubbed ‘the Yuzuru Effect’, ignoring how his own body felt warmer in a way that pointed to Javier not being all that immune himself.

The one who did seem pretty much immune was the younger kid at the central point of most of Yuzuru’s good-natured pestering. Yuzuru seemed familiar with him, comfortably talking a mile a minute in Japanese, but the curly haired youngster beside him looked to be half deer in headlights and half done with the whole situation.

It was hilarious to watch.

At one point, Yuzuru caught Javier’s gaze on them from the other end of the short side and grinned, dragging his sort of unwilling companion behind him as he skated over.

“Javi! You don’t meet Shoma, yes?”

“I haven’t had the pleasure yet.” Turning his smile from Yuzuru’s excited face towards the other, Javier tried to meet Shoma’s elusive eyes and make himself as non-threatening as possible with a joking tone. “Hello, I’m Javi. I’m sure you’ve heard about me.”

“Hello.” Shoma tilted his head for a moment, thoughtful, before snorting and shooting a fleeting glance at Yuzuru. “Nice to meet you.”

“Congratulations on your win. It’s crazy how you juniors are already jumping quads!” When Shoma didn’t say anything and only stared blankly in response, Javier got awkward. He raised a hand to rub at the back of his neck, breaking eye contact as he tried to salvage the non-conversation in some way. “Anyway, it’s nice to meet you. I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other more from now on.”

The strained feeling seemed to be getting through to Shoma, too, because there was an embarrassed flush to his round cheeks while he hurriedly bowed and excused himself in Japanese, skating towards another young Asian boy who was gesturing at him with his hands.

Javier was confused. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. He just shy. Shoma’s English worse than me, so he don’t like to speak it.” Yuzuru shrugged, standing at Javier’s elbow as he continued to look in the direction of the younger ones with a fond smile. “But he small and cute, so everybody want to talk and pinch his cheeks.”

“You mean _you_ want to pinch his cheeks,” Javier pointed out, elbowing the other on the side with a lopsided smirk. He got a pointy elbow back between his ribs for his troubles, which hurt way more than it should and had him swallowing down a groan of pain. “Come on, I can see it in your face.”

Yuzuru rolled his eyes at him dramatically, but capitulated in the end. “Okay, that too. I just love to have _kouhai_ , I not the younger anymore!”

“Nam’s younger too, though.”

“Yes, but not same. Nam not Japanese, and he more…” Yuzuru drifted off into his own native language, mumbling under his breath as his face scrunched up in concentration.

Javier knew he probably was smiling stupidly, but couldn’t help being endeared at his friend’s efforts. “Independent? Takes none of our shit?”

“That,” Yuzuru pointed out, relaxing. “Not so good for squishing.”

They were sharing a knowing look when one of the staff got their attention from the other side of the boards, bursting their bubble.

“Hey, sorry to disturb you, but they’ve told me to pitch an idea to you both,” she quickly explained, tapping the end of a pen against the clipboard in her hand. “Would you mind introducing each other’s exhibition at the gala?”

Javier glanced sideways at Yuzuru to gauge his reaction. “Fine by me. What do you want, Spanish or English?”

“Spanish would be perfect, since you’re the home champion, and all that.”

“Okay. Yuzu?”

His friend hadn’t said anything, still pensive-looking as he tapped at his chin with one finger, but jumped back to attention at Javier’s touch. “But I don’t speak Spanish.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that!” She waved her hands frantically at his pout in a move to reassure him. “We just need a little thing, I’m sure it will be fine if you do it in English.”

Javier had to bite his lip to keep an amused snicker down, because Yuzuru’s baleful stare was a pretty trustworthy sign that any implication, no matter how innocent, of him being expected to water down difficulty in anything still displeased him on a deep level.

“Not sure how that’s going to go down, either.”

The cheeky remark got Javier another elbow to the ribs, but the pain was worth it just to see the stubborn determination flashing in those dark eyes.

“I do in Spanish, too,” Yuzuru declared seriously, turning up his nose at Javier in defiance.

“Really, there’s no need!” The girl’s movements got just that little bit closer to hysterical, her gaze bouncing between the other two as they jokingly sized each other up. “It was only an idea, we don’t want to be a bother-!”

“No problem, Javi can teach me,” Yuzuru said off-handedly, raising one of his brows pointedly at the Spaniard. “Yes?”

Javier snorted, but took pity on the poor girl and put her out of her misery. “Yeah, just leave it to me. I’ll take care of it. Can you give me some paper and a pen?”

“Yes! Thank you so much.” The relief on her face was palpable as she handed him the requested items and made a swift retreat.

Javier watched her disappear backstage before turning to Yuzuru. His friend was grinning beatifically, but there was a spark of mischief in his eyes. “Really?”

The other didn’t deign that with an answer. Instead, he just grabbed pen and paper from Javier’s hands, putting the cap between his teeth as he laid the paper on the boards.

“Okay, we do this: I tell you things, you tell me in Spanish and I write how it sound, yes? Then I practice and just remember later.”

“You are so unnecessarily complicated, sometimes. You’re lucky I like you.”

He slid up behind Yuzuru, who turned to stick his tongue out at him.

They made it work.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru not only spoke his few, much practiced Spanish words: he insisted on wearing the ‘España’ shirt that Javier had gifted him while he did so. He looked radiant with joy, endearing with his accent, and as Javier’s heart grew two sizes to beat painfully against his ribs he wondered how there could be anyone in the venue not in love with him.

He skated his heart out during the exhibition, the one special piece created for this one moment. The song was upbeat, but the lyrics were nostalgic, both a greeting and a goodbye to an old friend, and he chose it to represent his home, his country, the place he’d been born and raised in but had to leave behind. It took and added turn in his head, because that nostalgia for lost chances melded too well with the image of Yuzuru that was burned into his mind’s eye.

Javier skated his gratitude to his country and his yearning for a love that was never meant to be, letting them both course through him as he slid on one knee and sent a kiss to the heavens.

Later, when he introduced Yuzuru for the last performance before the finale, he couldn’t keep himself from sending the other off with a hand at the nape of his neck. The warmth of Yuzuru’s skin lingered on his fingers once he was out of the ring, tingling as he hid in the shadows to watch.

The performance was familiar. Javier had seen it enough in practice back in Toronto to grow attuned to the airy, soft tones of the melody and Yuzuru’s flowy interpretation, like a never ending ribbon of smooth silk fluttering in the breeze. Even so, it was different when performed in costume, under show lights: Yuzuru became something ethereal, ephemeral, as he glided seamlessly across the ice, giving himself over as a conduit for the music up to the elegant movement of his fingers under the drape of his sleeves’ fabric.

It was breath-taking to watch, the fleeting kind of beauty that was that much more special because it was there for a moment suspended in time and then gone.

For Javier, it was just another reminder of what he could never have; something so unreachable he could only witness from afar, a bruise in his throat and the physical proof of his doomed love growing in his chest.

 

* * *

 

That evening, after lunch in the hotel, Javier made good on his promise and took Yuzuru out.

“I know the usual thing is to go for the Gaudí stuff, but that’s where everyone else who made the trip is going to go, too. I can’t take you there, sorry.”

His friend didn’t seem deterred, though. Adjusting his hat so his ears didn’t poke out from underneath, Yuzuru smiled. “Don’t matter. I trust Javi.”

Javier took him to the basilica of _Santa María del Mar_.

Stood beneath the cool December sun, Yuzuru tilted his head to look upon the towering façade of the tall, stone construction. Nestled between older buildings and smaller, uncrowded streets, the basilica had seemed to appear out of nowhere as they walked, and now was difficult to encompass in the forced close quarters.

It made Javier feel small, in a somewhat unsettling way; a reminder of how little and fragile he really was. Ignoring the raw feeling in his throat, he chose to look at Yuzuru instead.

“Temple?” When Yuzuru turned to him, there was a spark of curiosity in his eyes. “West temples so different to Japan.”

“Come, let’s get inside.”

Javier guessed Yuzuru had probably been to a couple of his so called western temples during his travels, even if he wasn’t as prone to playing tourist as others were. As such, he was sure to have an idea in mind of what to expect: the typical ostentatious décor, golden detailing and painted walls that appeared everywhere to a bigger or lesser degree.

There was very little of that here.

 _Santa María del Mar_ was all stone, sometimes light and sometimes burnt-grey, its building blocks visible up the tall columns all the way to the ribbed vault ceiling; unadorned, bare and all the more overwhelming for it. If it looked impressive from the outside it was nothing compared to being inside, where the ceiling appeared to be infinitely far away and the pews stretched seemingly forever. The only pops of colour were the keystones of the vault and the stained glass windows, which painted an ephemeral mosaic of colour high up on the walls.

It was austere but imposing; scarred and old, humbling as one stood there admiring the hidden strength and longevity of such a man-made construction.

Even though Javier had been there before, letting his eyes follow the long lines of the basilica still made goosebumps appear on his arms.

He started when Yuzuru bumped their shoulders together, drifting closer to Javier as his gaze got lost up towards the vault. The Spaniard felt his companion’s full-bodied shiver when Yuzuru let out a deep breath before speaking.

“It so… I don’t know how to say.”

“Bare?” Javier suggested. Yuzuru glanced at him. “Empty?”

“No.” The Japanese shook his head slightly, then tilted his head with a furrowed brow as he thought about it. “I mean, yes. That, too. But is not bad empty, is more like… open? Blank.” He smiled, turning back to gaze down the aisle to the altar. “Temple is solemn, must respect; but people bring things to it, fill with own feelings, and then temple accept. Can’t explain with English.”

There was light in Yuzuru’s eyes, like he had found something kindred in this place so different from his homeland and the culture he’d grown with. Javier couldn’t look away.

“I’ve never thought about it that way, but yeah. Guess I agree.”

They walked slowly along the sides, peeking into alcoves and standing under the shifting colours of stained glass windows, their steps echoing in tandem. The air was crisp in the wide, stone-lined space, but the hanging chandeliers brought yellow tones to the place and warmed up the scene. Yuzuru slid his hand over a gash in one of the columns, his fingers testing out the edges of the mark.

“What happen?” he asked in a low voice.

“Life.” Javier stepped behind him, peering over his shoulder. He raised his hand and laid it under Yuzuru’s, ignoring the quickening beat of his heart at the closeness. “It’s withstood fire, earthquakes, war; and here it is, still standing.”

Yuzuru didn’t say anything at first, but there was colour on his cheeks when he glanced at the other and found Javier already looking at him. “Very strong, then.”

“The strongest.” Javier smiled, and didn’t care if Yuzuru knew he wasn’t only talking about the basilica. “Built by the people, for the people. Makes it special.”

There was pressure growing in Javier’s chest, both because of the flower rooted inside and the way Yuzuru swayed a bit back for a moment, laying some of his weight on the Spaniard’s shoulder before stepping away. The back of his ears was still red.

Once they’d walked back around to the main entrance, Javier suggested going up to the roof.

“Stairs are always a pain in these, but the view is worth it.”

It was.

They could see much of the surrounding city from the terrace, the glint of the sea in the horizon and the silhouette of taller buildings stark against the clear sky. Yuzuru walked up to the railing, spreading his arms wide in a stretch as he took a deep breath; Javier wanted to burn the image of it in his mind forever.

He tried to shake the thought of this memory being taken with the rest of his feelings off of his head. He didn’t want to taint the moment with dread, but keep it pure and bright for as long as he was able to.

Yuzuru turned to him with a small smile. “Thank you. I like this very much.”

“I’m only sad I can’t show you Barcelona’s secrets, either; this is not my city.” Propping his hip against the railing, Javier let his gaze pan over the view. He sighed, wistfully. “But Madrid… Madrid I know. I could show you so many things, there.”

“I must go sometime, then. Javi my guide, promise?”

The mere thought of it broke Javier’s heart, because he knew.

He knew it would never come to pass. He’d never get a similar picture, of them walking around together soaking in the feel of a city, in Madrid; there would be no opportunity. It would have to happen after the season ended, and by then Javier surely would’ve had the surgery already. Who knew what the state of his relationship with Yuzuru would be like, after that.

“Promise.”

Yuzuru smiled freely, as if he had no other care in the world after getting that vow, and he was so lovely; Javier wanted to remember this feeling, the good swelling of his heart while he looked at Yuzuru gazing upon Barcelona.

The need to cry in mourning for lost chances he swallowed deeper down, and his throat felt like sandpaper.

 

* * *

 

When Javier finally let the coughing fit take over, safely back alone in his hotel room, it was the worst to date.

His legs buckled underneath him, the pain of them hitting against the tiles secondary to the burning ache in his throat and lungs. The faucet was still running, taking with it the incriminating remnants of bloodied petals as he towelled his forehead dry.

He was shaken and so, so very tired.

He managed to make himself attend the banquet, even if he arrived late and everyone commented on it. He just smiled bashfully, scratching at his nape as he let them think it was another instance of Javier being painfully, stereotypical Spanish; it always got the laughs going and the more serious questions off his back. He ate less than usual, but spent so much time playing social butterfly that no one stayed around long enough to notice.

Just a bit longer, before he could excuse himself from the party.

He’d been drifting towards the exit for a while, refusing offers to dance and a couple of drinks from boisterous friends, when a cool draft caught his attention: the French doors to the terrace were open, a soft breeze fluttering the light material of the tied curtains. Javier took the opportunity to slip away outside, taking a deep breath of crisp air in his lungs no matter how sore he was.

Sometimes it felt good being left alone with one’s thoughts, even for someone who liked people as much as he did.

He groaned as he unbuttoned his suit jacket and leaned his forearms on the railing. The city looked so indistinct from where he was, all darkened silhouettes of buildings between street lighting. They were rather close to the ocean, but the traffic and ruckus inside made it impossible to hear: Javier could only pinpoint where it lay because of the absence of light on the horizon.

He closed his eyes, left himself drift aimlessly without concrete thought. The unconscious tension he had been carrying on his shoulders finally relaxed, allowing Javier to drown in the more familiar aches competition always left behind in his body. If only for a moment, he tried to just breathe, like everything was where it should be and the world didn’t keep turning regardless of him being out of synch.

The sound of light footsteps behind him brought Javier back to the present, but he kept his eyes closed; those were distinctive, and he would’ve recognized who they belonged to anywhere.

“Drink?”

Yuzuru slid right next to him, canting his hip against the railing and offering the Spaniard one of the glasses in his hands. Javier looked at him then, as he took a sip of whatever fruity, non-alcoholic concoction the other had brought with him.

Tiredness was starting to show on Yuzuru, too; the spoils of a week of competition, the physical and emotional toil of skating one’s heart out for everyone to see. Still he pulled up a smile for Javier, hidden behind his own glass but still noticeable in the pull of his cheeks.

The suit, as always, was far from the best fit. Javier’s improved mood allowed him to mourn the possibilities, since Yuzuru wasn’t really interested in fashion and the odds of him ever caring enough to find something that actually fit were pretty close to zero. On the other hand, it was such a Yuzuru thing by now that Javier couldn’t help but find it endearing.

“What?” Yuzuru chuckled under the scrutiny.

_I love you. God help me, it is true._

“Nothing. Your hair looks funny.”

His friend automatically raised a hand to pat at his head; when he found nothing amiss, he playfully slapped Javier on the shoulder. “ _Baka_.”

After finishing their drinks in companionable silence, Javier straightened and turned his back to the view. The party was still in full swing inside, but he didn’t have the heart to go back to it.

“Well, this is it for me. I’m going to sleep it off. You?”

Yuzuru’s yawn was more than answer enough. “Bed sound good.”

The Spaniard’s room was closer to the elevators, so they both stopped at his door as he fumbled for the keycard in his suit pockets.

“Javi need help?”

“Shut up.”

Yuzuru snickered as the other finally opened the door and stepped inside, but sobered up when Javier turned back to him.

“So. You’re leaving tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“I won’t see you until after New Year’s.” A beat of silence. Even though Javier felt silly mentioning it, he couldn’t keep it in. “Happy New Year in advance.”

It got a snort out of Yuzuru, who dropped his head until his eyes where hidden in the shadows of his fringe. “Javi too.”

“Call me sometime, yeah? Don’t just hide away from the world.” The nape of Yuzuru’s neck had always felt blazing hot against his fingertips; that night was no exception. “Good luck.”

“Same.” Dark eyes met his from underneath darker hair, sending a shiver down his spine. “Goodbye, Javi.”

“Goodbye, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru stepped out of the hold and started walking down the hallway towards his own room. Javier closed his door before the other could disappear from his sight, heart feeling like it was being squeezed into an iron fist.

He stood there with his forehead against the wood and his eyes scrunched closed against the pain for longer than he cared to remember.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- This chapter should've been called 'Javi's pine-fest in Barcelona'. It has a nice ring to it.
> 
> \- _Santa María del Mar_ is obviously a real place and fully recommended if you happen to be in town sometime! I did my best to give a feel for it here, but there's always Google to provide more visuals if you need them: it is a very impressive building with a very special aura and history.
> 
> Next time: Christmas with a side of yours truly pseudo-sciencing my way around a fictional disease. Yay (?)


	12. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Christmas comes and goes, Javier reaches out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEOPLE! Have some feels to keep in with the holiday spirit (?)

 

 

As nice as it was to have his efforts recognized by his own people, Javier was relieved when he was finally able to go back home to Madrid after Nationals and the media ruckus left in the wake of the Grand Prix Final.

He had missed his father’s cooking, his mother’s encouragement, his sister’s humour; the comforts of home were like a balm to his tired body, a sanctuary for his mind after all that had happened since the last time he slept in his own childhood bed.

He needed the little, everyday reassurances to outweigh the mounting dread at his worsening health.

Nationals had been hard. It hadn’t been the result or the mistakes: cinching the win had not been a problem, and he hadn’t given more thought to them besides the usual feedback in order to keep perfecting his programs. The worst thing had been his condition going into it: the pressure in his lungs dwindling his stamina, the heaviness spreading from his chest towards his limbs, the metallic taste of blood at the back of his throat. Each program had left him exhausted, scrambling to get back his bearings as he put on a smile and took his bows in front of an audience delighted at its champion.

He couldn’t go on like this, not with Europeans looming just around the corner; from where he stood, the World Championships seemed like an even more impossible enterprise.

Madrid was already decked in its full Christmas regalia, awash with decorative lights hanging over roads and threaded through tree branches, a beautiful array of light and colour against the dark evening sky. The shop fronts were lively and dazzling with Christmas trees full of every kind of sparkly, delicate hangings, and the flow of people through the commercial streets was never ending.

Walking amongst the crowd, face half-hidden in his looped scarf, Javier looked up at the display of light and tried to find the usual calm that overtook him when it was time to do the family’s Christmas shopping. As stressful as it always ended up being for his mother and his bickering sister, the scene was so familiar to Javier it never failed to bring a smile to his face.

This time, he couldn’t find it in himself to smile as wide; his lips had become dry with all the coughing and rinsing, and they stung with fresh cracks when he pulled them up.

Many things hurt, lately.

“Javi, come look!”

He started out of his musings at Laura’s call, both her and their mother waving him over to peer into a store window.

“Aren’t those pretty?” Enriqueta said, pointing at the glittery hangings on the Christmas tree on the other side of the glass; they looked like skating boots. “We should get a set.”

“Two sets,” pointed out Laura. “One for us, one for grandma. You know how she loves her skating knick-knacks.”

“I agree.”

Javier peered inside the shop; it was even more crowded than the outside. “Do you mind if I wait here?”

His mother threw him a searching look, but conceded. “If you want; it will only be a moment. Do you mind taking these?” He shook his head, so Enriqueta handed him the couple of shopping bags in her hands, joining her daughter at the entrance and disappearing from view.

They were gone more than a moment, as Javier had known they would.

As the minutes ticked on, the loud murmur of the crowd fell slowly away, leaving behind only the silent echo of Javier’s wandering thoughts. Alone inside his head, unable to hide from the yearning that pulled at him like a physical thing, he kept staring at the ornaments until he finally gave in. Dropping the bags securely between his feet, he took out his phone and pointed the camera at the sparkling boots.

                < I know you don’t celebrate Christmas the same way, but it made me think of you.

He pressed the ‘send’ button too fast for his regret to catch up with him, but when it did, he immediately turned off the screen and put the phone back in his pocket, trying to think about anything else instead of the bruised ache behind his ribs.

Yuzuru had been silent since they parted ways in Barcelona. That in itself was not unusual: his friend tended to drop off the face of the Earth for a time when he was back home. Still, Javier couldn’t help but fear he’d done something wrong this time, maybe gone too far and crossed a line he shouldn’t have while they spent time together away from the competition. Maybe he’d shown too much, maybe Yuzuru was backing away from the unrequited feelings he had glimpsed behind Javier’s eyes and actions.

There was a vice grip tightening on Javier’s heart, and he coughed into the soft fabric of his scarf. Checking for blood afterwards had become habit.

He really couldn’t go on like this.

 

* * *

 

Javier made the appointment with a doctor he trusted, someone that had treated him since his skating started to get serious. Doctor Herrera was a woman a bit older than his mother, austere and with a no-nonsense air about her after dealing with so many athletes throughout her long career, but fair. He could count on her to be discreet and not prattle about her findings to the federation without his consent, which, secret as he had managed to keep his ailment until then, he was going to need.

Her handshake, when she greeted him before settling back behind her desk, was as firm as it always had been.

“Okay, Javier. It’s been a while since I saw you in person, but we’ve been in contact with your team over in Toronto, as arranged, and I have your medical history over here,” she said, peering over her red-rimmed glasses at the shuffling papers on her hands. “Nothing much going on lately, from what I’ve seen?”

Javier barely kept himself from flinching when her sharp eyes landed on his face, scrutinizing. He hadn’t told her why he needed the appointment, only that it was urgent; she must have guessed he was hiding something, by now. “Nothing you will find on there.”

“Figures. You elite athletes and your hidden pains.” Doctor Herrera let her glasses dangle over her chest as she pinched the bridge of her nose, the red colour a stark contrast to her white lab coat. Javier felt nauseous for a second. “Symptoms? And how long has it been since you started feeling them?”

“I don’t need a diagnosis.” He took a deep breath, steeling himself as he met her gaze, solemnly. “I know what’s wrong with me.”

“I wasn’t aware you went through Medical School as well as skating, Javier. Very impressive.” Her dry tone said exactly the opposite, and he would have barked out a laugh as usual if his situation wasn’t so dire. Her face softened. “Let me be the judge of that, okay?”

Javier would’ve loved to be wrong; he knew he wasn’t.

“Hanahaki. The flower illness? I don’t think there’s much mistaking that one.”

They sat in silence for a minute, him trying not to panic at speaking it out loud after so long and her watching him with an unreadable expression, her shoulders tense and off the back of her chair.

“Are you sure it-?”

“I’ve been coughing up petals since the summer. I can even tell you the flower, I’ve done my research.”

“Oh my god.” The office chair squeaked in protest when Doctor Herrera dropped her weight backwards. “Javier, this is serious.”

He snorted in self-deprecation. “So I’ve been told.”

“And no laughing matter,” she reprimanded. As the initial shock wore off, the trained, quick reactions of a long-serving professional kicked back in. “This is bigger than my specialty field, I’m gonna need to page other experts in: the Pulmonologist for sure, probably the Cardiologist should have a look too-“

She reached for the phone on her desk, but Javier caught her hand before she lifted the receiver. “Josefa, please. I came to you because this has to stay contained. You’ve known me since I was little and I trust you.”

“Then trust than I’m trying to help you!”

“It can’t get out. Not to the federation, not to my parents; not to anyone.”

Doctor Herrera shook his hand off, glare piercing. “Who do you think I am? Doctor-patient information is confidential, I would never-“

“I know _you_ wouldn’t, which is why I’m here. But I also know how pressure works and people’s will gets bent.”

The staring contest held for a while until the doctor sighed noisily, folding her arms over her chest. “Okay. So, what do you want? I can pull on a few threads to get trustworthy people on the case so we can have the necessary tests done and schedule the operation as soon as possible. I’m definitely not qualified to do that one, so don’t expect me to,” she ended, with a pointed glare in his direction.

“I don’t. I’m not here for the operation.” She opened her mouth to answer that statement, but he hurried with the rest of it. “There are palliative measures, yes? I’ve read about them. That is what I need.”

“Javier.” Doctor Herrera leaned forward over her elbows, voice soft as she searched his face. “You do know there’s no other cure for this, right? Surgical treatment is the only thing that ultimately works; anything else is just a temporary patch.”

Javier dropped his gaze to his lap. He had unconsciously started picking at his nails, and there was a spot of blood on the side of his index finger. His heart felt heavy. “I know.”

“Yes, there is palliative treatment; which is used to hinder the plant’s growth as much as possible while definitive measures are being prepared. That is what you need.”

His mind’s eye flashed back to the night before: pain, blood and so many purple petals. Yuzuru hadn’t even answered his message from days ago; there was no salvation for him away from the operating table, Javier reminded himself.

“I know. It _will_ happen.” He raised his eyes to hers, pleading. “I just need more time.”

“There are reasons why we don’t prescribe that kind of meds for longer periods of time,” she explained. “You need something akin to herbicide to fight against the plant, and those are usually not good for human bodies; the side effects are not pleasant. Furthermore, the plant develops tolerance towards them and renders them useless after a while, which is why meds don’t work in the long run.”

Javier thought about recovery, time spent away from competition ice; about going under without knowing which parts of himself would make it to the other side.

About never again looking upon Yuzuru with that beautiful, terrible feeling in his chest, not even knowing what he’d lost.

“I can’t, not yet. I need that time.”

There must have been something determined enough in his gaze to convince even a woman such as Josefa Herrera, because the doctor didn’t push anymore. Even so, her eyes were undeniably sad when she looked at him and put one of her hands over his on the table.

“Okay. I’m going to arrange for the necessary people to do your check-up next time you come in, see exactly what we’re dealing with, and we’ll prescribe you the meds.”

Javier turned his hand palm-up, squeezed back. The gesture was comforting, coming from a person who’d watched him grow through the years. “Thank you.”

“This _will_ go on your file, though; no question.” Doctor Herrera dropped the contact, putting her glasses back on as she pulled up something on her computer and started quickly typing. She stopped to look at him over the rim of her glasses. “That means your team in Canada will get this, too. Their doctors will be able to prescribe you more if you finish what we give you.”

Javier grimaced; that could mean Brian, and trouble.

He didn’t like it, but what other option did he have?

 

* * *

 

Christmas came and went faster than Javier would have liked.

The time spent at his grandparent’s house, all the family together for once in the year, had been a welcome reprieve from the stress of skating season. His grandmother wouldn’t let him loiter by himself at the fringes of the party, dragging him over using homemade desserts as bait and asking about all the people he met in his travels to keep him close by her side.

Soaking up the easy affection, stomach full of good food and ears ringing with the cheerful conversation of the people he loved, Javier wasn’t really putting up a fight.

“You are so blessed to be doing what you are doing,” she told him fondly, her thumb rubbing over his cheek. “Never forget that, even if you deserve all the good things that happen to you.”

Javier’s throat ached when he swallowed reflexively. “What about the bad things?”

“Those teach us valuable lessons.”

“And if there’s none?” Javier thought about the purple iris, the new box of medicine in his toiletries bag and the oppressing weight that lived in his chest. “Sometimes things just happen for no reason.”

“I know, dear. You’re right. But while you can’t change what happens, you can change how you look at it. It’s not always easy, but making peace helps.” She smiled, rearranging her bright green cardigan over her breast. “Trust your grandma.”

Javier knew enough about life to always follow a matriarch’s advice.

He checked Yuzuru’s results at his Nationals. If his friend asked for distance he would give it to him, no further questions; but until then, he’d continue as he’d always been. Nothing had changed for him; he could only hope nothing had changed for Yuzuru, either.

                < Hey, congrats on another Nats title! That’s the third one, right?

                < I hope everything’s okay.

New Year’s came and went, and that one remained the last message in their conversation.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doctors finally make an appearance! And Javi only had to bleed inside for a couple months to get there! And Yuzu has ~~not so~~ mysteriously dropped off the map! *facepalm*
> 
> Next time: this is why looking at the news is important. Also: Euros.


	13. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier perfects the art of half-truths and the season stops for no one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...what do you mean there's only one month left until the Olympics!? *INTERNALLY SCREAMING*
> 
> (Or, the author lifted her nose off studying momentarily to bring you the next installment in the flower-drama saga and just noticed the date. Oops.)

 

 

Brian was waiting for him when Javier returned to the Cricket Club. The pinched look around his coach’s eyes spelled trouble.

“In my office, Javi; if you please.”

It wasn’t a request.

Javier took a seat at the desk, back ramrod straight with trepidation as Brian entered after him and closed the door against the usual bustle of activity in the hallway. His steps sounded heavy as he walked around to his own chair, dropping with a sigh and pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closed.

The silence felt so thick that Javier feared he would choke on it.

“I thought we were over keeping secrets that affect your training, Javi. You know I can’t read minds, you need to talk to me.”

Javier froze; that didn’t tell him much about where he stood with his coach, or how deeply in trouble he was. He risked the question. “What do you mean-?”

“This, Javi; this is what I mean!” Brian got a sheet of paper from the top of the closest stack and threw it in front of him on the table. “What is it even for?”

Scanning the brief writing, Javier quickly understood. It was an e-mail from his head doctor in Toronto, detailing the name and prescript dose of his new medication. In it, they asked Brian to check with the ISU; they didn’t think it would pose a problem, but when it came to athletes it was always better to err on the side of caution.

Of course, his coaching team took care of all those red-tape formalities. Javier had forgotten all about that in his haste.

He winced. “I may have something of a respiratory infection.”

Well, it was not a lie.

“And you didn’t think to tell any of us?” Brian threw his hands up in exasperation. “Something like that is no joke! We have to take a look at your schedule, you may need time off-ice to heal.”

“No!” Dropping the incriminating sheet of paper, Javier laid his hands on the table and tried to not look desperate. “It’s fine, really. I have the medication, it’s under control. I’m okay, I can keep going.”

“Javi-“

“Europeans are just around the corner; I can’t stop now.”

Silence hanged between them. Javier stared at his coach determinedly, showing that he wasn’t going to budge on that. Brian’s brow furrowed increasingly with worry, but there was something akin to reluctant acceptance in his gaze.

His coach sighed, dropping the eye-contact, and Javier knew he had won this one battle, if not the war.

“God, you sound just like Yuzu. First his surgery and now this; you two are taking years off my lifespan, just so you know.”

The off-handed comment had Javier reeling in his chair. “Surgery? What?”

“You don’t know?” Brian seemed surprised. “Just after Nationals.”

“Of course I don’t know! What-“ he fumbled with his words, heart beating a painful staccato. “Is he okay? What happened?”

Yuzuru being silent was normal, yes, but only up to a point. He wouldn’t have purposefully ignored Javier for so long, he wasn’t cruel. But Javier had grown too comfortable with the idea of him being the problem, throwing a pity party for himself because Yuzuru wasn’t paying attention to him.

He had been selfish. He should’ve known.

“He’ll be staying home for a while to recover, but he should be fine. In time.”

“But why? What happened?”

“You know he’s your rival and I’m not supposed to go around disclosing this kind of information, right?” Brian raised his eyebrows at him, but softened when he saw fear in his pupil’s eyes. “I’ll tell you this time, since most of it is public knowledge already, anyway.” He took a deep breath, sitting back against the backrest. “He had an urachal remnant infection. He was already in pain on the way back from Barcelona, but insisted on postponing the surgery until Nationals was done, unsurprisingly. He thinks it may have happened because of the accident in China.”

Something told Javier there was more underneath the short version, a more gruesome tale that Brian was keeping close to his chest because it wasn’t his story to tell.

Javier’s body grew cold.

“I didn’t know.”

His voice sounded dejected enough for Brian to put a hand on his shoulder. “You know how he is. He doesn’t want people to worry or to excuse his mistakes.”

“But I was with him that last day in Barcelona, I should’ve known.” Javier dropped his gaze towards his fidgeting hands on his lap. “I should’ve noticed he wasn’t okay.”

“Listen, Javi: you’re not his keeper.” Brian’s gaze was firm as he leaned closer over his forearms. “Yuzuru’s his own person and it’s no responsibility of yours what he chooses to do.”

“Still, I worry. I can’t help it,” he shrugged.

“And I don’t expect you to just stop, either. He’s your friend: he’ll reach out eventually.”

_Eventually._

Javier got out of Brian’s office and immediately reached for his phone. He opened up his conversation with Yuzuru, where his last messages where still lying read but unanswered.

                < Why didn’t you tell me? I’m worried sick about you.

He typed. Deleted. Went back to typing again.

                < I’m glad you’re not just ignoring me, but please take care of yourself.

Not good. Deleted.

                < I’m sorry I was selfish. I love you.

He stared at the blinking cursor for a while, eyes itching and throat clamped shut. He couldn’t say that.

Deleted.

                < I’m sorry.

That one he sent.

 

* * *

 

A couple of days later, Javier got his answer.

He was already drifting off on the sofa, half-watching some football match that made for good background noise, even if it wasn’t yet late at night. He was starting to notice a decrease in the amount of petals he coughed up when the fits came, but his body also had periods of growing strangely lethargic, like it was falling asleep while his mind was still fully awake.

Not the most comfortable sensation, but it was a small price to pay.

It was also the reason why he was sloppy in reaching for his phone when it ringed, making the device fall to the floor and continue ringing shrilly as he fumbled to get it.

When he got a glimpse at caller ID, he scrambled to answer before it cut off.

“Yuzu, hey!”

There was rustling of fabric on the other side of the line, then a small groan. Javier counted three breaths after. “Why you say sorry? I think about it for days, but can’t understand.”

He wasn’t sure where to start. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I kept pestering you with silly things and then wondering why you didn’t reply. Just… sorry for everything.”

“But Javi do nothing wrong.” The Spaniard had to swallow past the knot in his throat, because Yuzuru sounded so innocently surprised. “I like skating boots on Christmas tree. I see before practice and think they beautiful. I feel your thoughts with me there, and it make me happy.”

“I’m glad, then.” Javier pressed the heel of his palm against his eyes; he didn’t want to cry, but the released tension from his body had other ideas. He cleared his throat. “How are you?”

There was a dubious hum in his ear. He could just picture Yuzuru’s face, head tilted and nose scrunched in displeasure. “I just become official adult and can finally drink alcohol, but I learn at hospital that it make my body really angry. Not fair.”

“Really? Jeez, you can’t get a break.” Javier chuckled. It tasted bittersweet on his tongue. “That the worst of it?”

“No. But I don’t want to think about the rest anymore.”

That sobered the conversation in a heartbeat. Silence stretched over the line; Javier could hear Yuzuru’s slightly hitching breaths when he held onto his own.

“I _am_ sorry.”

“Is not your fault.”

“Still. I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

“I know pain, Javi. Not nice, but I can deal. I heal and still skate for gold, like always.”

He wondered at that, not for the first time and surely not the last. Yuzuru was wise beyond his years and had already gone through trauma in his young life most would never even have to imagine. He was ambitious and driven but also emotional, and he took everything with him on the ice. Strong, yet vulnerable; a golden idol with a bleeding heart.

Javier was okay with who he was and didn’t envy his rival’s methods or mentality, but he did admire him.

He always had.

“Ne, Javi.”

“Yes?”

“I like the silly things. Please send more?”

It felt too serious for such an easy request. Javier kept his tone light, answering the underlying plea for help while not calling attention to it. “As you wish. But remember that you asked for it when I spam you with pictures of Effie being cute.”

That got a chuckle out of Yuzuru, which made Javier smile himself. “Give her kisses from me. I miss her.”

He wondered if Yuzuru missed him, too. Javier definitely did. He wanted so badly to ask when the other would be coming back to Toronto, but it didn’t feel like the right time; he didn’t want to be invasive.

“Take care of yourself, yeah? Not even you are invincible.”

A breath. “I know.” The wistfulness of it tugged sharply at Javier’s heartstrings. “Show me gold from Euros?”

There was a deflection there, somewhere; the Spaniard could feel it, even if he couldn’t see what was lurking behind. Yuzuru had always been masterful at the play of light and shadow, after all.

“I still have to go and compete, you know?”

“Then go and _win_.”

 

* * *

 

It was like the steel behind Yuzuru’s words imprinted them on Javier’s brain.

Brian nodded approvingly at him when he showed up for practice with a new fire fuelling his stroking, a new determination when he got back up after a fall. His body, which had been fighting against him all since the illness started digging deep, gave him a break. The meds were working: the blood was gone and the petals were smaller and fewer; he hadn’t realized just how much the mature flower had been hindering his breathing, until its hold on him grew looser and he could again take full gulps of air without them scratching over his raw throat.

Javier had always wanted to win: the European Champion title had been his for two seasons now, and he was not ready to part with it. Yuzuru’s blessing disguised as a command had only been a reminder to stop pining over what he couldn’t change and get his ass back into gear.

The venue in Stockholm welcomed him with open arms. There were some Spanish flags around the rink, more in the hands of people sitting in the stands, and Javier felt determination solidify in his chest. He knew he was the favourite, that people were expecting him to win, but more than that he wanted the win for himself.

He’d put in the training, he had the quality. He was ready to fight.

“Looking a bit intense there, yes?” Sergei joked with him in the locker room after practice, throwing an arm around Javier’s shoulders as they sat next to each other on the bench.

Javier elbowed him good-naturedly. “Laugh all you want. I’m here to kick all of your asses again.”

“Fighting words!” Sergei did just that, his guffawing laugh booming against the tiles and raising a couple more snickers among the more veteran skaters. “Little Spaniard growing too big for his boots after two titles. We’ll have to take you down a peg.”

“You’re welcome to try.” Standing with a flourish, Javier bowed to the room at large before reaching for his toiletries bag.

“We’ll see if you land that quad salchow when it counts, Fernández!”

“That was a low blow, Voronov!”

A chorus of laugher followed him into the showers.

 

* * *

 

He landed his salchow, but it was not pretty.

Javier wasn’t happy when he exited the rink, knowing that while he probably had done enough to cinch first place over the Russians, his mistakes would mean tougher competition for the free. Brian was neutral until his pupil made a gesture of displeasure, then chuckled as they walked together to the Kiss & Cry.

“Hey, wait for the score. It wasn’t terrible, or anything.”

“I’ve been feeling so good, though. Don’t know what happened.” After the work he’d been putting in, Javier had expected more from himself. As he watched his tilted axis on the replay, though, he couldn’t hide a wince.

Quad salchow didn’t always love one back, indeed.

“Should be… eighty-four? Five?” Brian was mumbling under his breath.

Some of the jumps had been shaky, but the performance hadn’t been bad. “Seven.”

His coach turned to look at him, but when his eighty-nine and change score was announced Brian just patted him on the chest, grinning. “Okay! Pretty good.”

Javier nodded. Good enough, if not what he’d wanted.

His phone buzzed with an incoming message when he was getting on the bus that would take him back to the hotel.

                > Still win, so not all bad. Do better in the FS!

Javier snorted, used to Yuzuru’s brand of tough love especially when it came to skating. He took a seat in the back, drawing the curtains closed against the light as he stuck his lower lip in an exaggerated pout at the camera for a selfie.

                < Why are you so mean? My pride’s already wounded.

Next message came with an attached photo of Yuzuru dramatically covering his eyes with a hand.

                > Don’t make the face! I weak for the face! ლ(ﾟдﾟლ)

                < Why are you using emoticons if you’re already sending me a photo of yourself?

Javier got a very nice photo of a middle finger and cheeky dark eyes for that one. His barking laughter drew a couple of curious stares and he probably looked a bit deranged, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

It was nice having the banter back.

 

* * *

 

After the Grand Prix circuit and its back-to-back competition days, having a day in between segments was a welcome change.

Javier and a handful of others had decided to do a little tourism and a little trying of the local cuisine while they could, bundled up in a fair amount of layers to fight off the brisk January cold.

At the end of the day, the figure skating world was still small. Years of shared competition and experiences brought people together, no matter how different, and most would consider themselves at least friendly acquaintances. In some cases friendship grew from there, and being at the same event provided the perfect opportunity to catch up over food and drinks.

It was familiar, calming; a moment of respite for everyone before competition kicked back in again.

There were no friends on the ice. Sometimes even the ice itself seemed against you.

Having drawn first in the group, Javier needed to skate his content to cinch a secure position on top of the table and spare himself the nerve-wracking wait to see if anyone would manage to take the gold from him.

As it was, he let his weight fall onto Brian when his coach greeted him with the usual hug at the boards, utterly exhausted and out of breath, unable to stop thinking about the amount of points his mistakes would cost him. Much of the time at the Kiss & Cry didn’t register with him: he remembered shrugging at his scores, the image fuzzy as dizziness persisted, and Brian’s hand on his arm when he stumbled on their way backstage.

“Javi. Hey, Javi!” Once away from the cameras, Brian shook him a little by the shoulders to get his attention. He looked worried. “Are you okay? You seem pretty out of it.”

Javier cleared his throat. He hadn’t noticed when it had become irritated again. “Fine. Just light-headed.”

“That’s not the best sign.” His coach laid his palm over Javier’s forehead, brows drawing together. "You feel clammy. Let me get one of the doctors here-”

“No.” Javier rushed to stop him. “It’s probably the medication acting up.”

“That doesn’t give me much peace of mind, as long as you keep taking it.”

Javier knew about the possible side-effects, how they would get worse with time as some of the medication’s components accumulated in his system; only he’d forgotten, happy as he’d been with the noticeable improvement on his previous symptoms.

“Really, Brian. I’ll be fine once I sit down for a bit and catch my breath.”

Not really convinced, Brian stayed with him as they waited for the rest of the final group to skate, watching his pupil like a hawk for any further signs of him being unwell. Considering how Javier’s mistakes had left the door open for others to overtake him, he was glad for the silent show of support.

In the end, even though he’d been expecting to show much more of what he was truly capable of, Javier still got his gold. The ice had not been kind to most of them that evening, but in that he managed to come out on top.

“Well, we tried. Thank you for doing bad too so we had a chance.” Sergei’s words as they waited for the medal ceremony got the biggest smile out of him.

“Repeat next year, yes?”

“Oh, no. You can get bronze next year.”

After everything, Javier let himself be silly with friends and flags before the flash of cameras and under the smiles of the crowd. He’d have to get better, but for now he wanted to be allowed to enjoy what he had instead of worrying about what he didn’t.

The next morning, he laid his new medal all prim and proper in its box, throwing a peace sign next to it as he took a photo on his phone.

                < There it is, 3rd in a row! For you.

Yuzuru’s answer was almost immediate.

                > Not for me. For you!!

                > I give you hug in Toronto!  o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

Javier fell back onto the bed, feeling the good squeeze of his heart that almost made the bad ones worth it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand they're back at it with the texting and cute emoji bussiness. Silver lining, y/y?
> 
> Next time: *insert shit_just_got_real.gif here*
> 
> (Shoutout to all you readers: exam season has been upon me for a while and everything's nuts, but I get this stupid smile on my face whenever my email pings with another comment or kudos, so. Thank you very much, you're awesome! *hugs* ~~I'll stop being overly squishy now, sorry~~ )


	14. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of lost sanctuaries and how an older sister always knows best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My schedule is all busy between the last week of exams and the incoming Euros (fingers crossed for Javi!), so I squeezed out some time on the weekend to bring you this one. Enjoy :)

 

 

With his competition schedule clear until the World Championships, Javier took a small break in Spain. His third consecutive European gold had gotten him some attention and consequent media compromises, but he went back mostly for his family.

“I’m so sorry we won’t be able to be there with you in Shanghai,” said his father over lunch. “I really think you have a good chance this season, it’s been going well so far.”

Javier thought about everything that had happened up until that point, all the things he kept carefully guarded inside, away from even his closest circle; his results had been pretty good, considering.

Sensing the downward turn of his mood, his mother rubbed a comforting hand over his shoulder “Oh, we’ll still have a watch-party over here and send you all the good vibes we can.”

“I’m not worried about Worlds; I had been training hard for Euros and now I have time to work on my mistakes, so I’ll be ready by then.”

“That’s my boy.”

While he was in Madrid, Javier spent most of his days at home. As much as his friends tried to temp him out for a night of celebration over drinks, his body’s lethargy had other ideas. He tried to get as much rest as he could, telling himself he was only recharging his batteries after the long week of competition and before the longer weeks of further training ahead, but deep inside he knew.

The medication helped with one problem, but caused others. Between the perennial tiredness and the growingly common light-headedness, it was so much easier to doze off on the couch than force himself to put up a good front for people who knew him well and would see right through it.

For the first time ever, being back home wasn’t the sanctuary Javier was used to always find waiting for him. The thought made something angry and bitter churn in his chest: not only was the damned flower slowly picking away at his health, it was also affecting his relationships with the people he loved.

And it would have the last laugh by taking with it the precious bud of his feelings for that one special person.

Javier was tired of being tired, so he grew angry.

The silence after the ruckus of chucking the box of his medication against the bathroom wall was strangely satisfying for one moment, until it wasn’t and he was just lonely again. He let his head hang down, arms propped on the sides of the sink, and closed his eyes to the harsh reality that the handful of petals lying there represented.

They were slowly growing again, in size and in number, and this time around he had no more options to pursue but the final one.

When his eyes watered behind his lids, he wasn’t sure if it was from desperation or rage.

“…Javi?”

The house was supposed to be empty.

He startled, but otherwise stayed where he was. There was no point in lying, now.

Javier cleared his throat; his voice still came out hoarse. “I thought you’d left, Laura.”

“Yes, but my coat-,” she started explaining on autopilot, but quickly snapped out of it. Javier could see her rising from her crouch on the floor with the box of his meds between her hands. “I heard you coughing, and the door was open…”

Javier’s brain really was growing sloppy, if he was forgetting such simple things as closing doors before letting a fit overtake him.

“What the hell is going on, Javi? What are these?”

Their eyes met for a moment in the mirror. His sister’s were huge and afraid, her hands still clutching the small box reflexively. Javier didn’t blame her; he knew it looked bad.

He huffed a bitter laugh under his breath, hanging his head again as his hand reached for one of the purple petals resting innocently on the white porcelain bowl of the sink. “Do you remember that _telenovela_ grandma used to watch over the summer? The one she got us all hooked to?”

“This is not the time for joking-“

“Just answer the question.” He shot her a pleading look from the corner of his eye, trying to keep a neutral composure as his world threatened to implode. “Please.”

“’ _The rose from your lips’_?” At his slow nod, Laura strode exasperatedly into the room with him. “Seriously, what the fuck does an overdramatic soap-opera about vomiting flowers have to do with any-?”

Javier stopped her in her tracks by raising the petal in front of her face. “Everything.”

His shoulders seized with tension as her gaze went from the incriminating petal to him, then back again. Irritation bled over into dumbfoundedness, then into abject terror as the situation dawned on her.

“You can’t really mean-“ She shook her head, disbelieving. “It’s not supposed to actually happen, right? It’s just silly stories about star-crossed lovers-!“

“I assure you, it is very real.” Javier let her take the petal; her hand trembled. “And it fucking sucks.”

Laura stood there, rock still, for a minute, eyes fixed on her palm and then on the sink, where a handful more of the same petals lay. When she raised her head to him again, there were tears in her eyes.

“…Oh my god.”

She dropped everything on the floor and hugged him, openly sobbing against his shoulder and tightening her hands on his shirt.

It hurt, as did their knees hitting the tiles when they both folded under the pressure of grief; and yet, it was like some kind of weight had been lifted form Javier’s back.

For once, since Miki left what seemed so long ago, he didn’t have to bear the weight of truth alone.

 

* * *

 

The tears dried out after a while, and they moved to Javier’s bedroom. Seated side by side on the edge of the bed, Laura studied him as he painstakingly put his medication back in its box before leaving it on the bedside table.

“You had it already in Barcelona, right?” she huffed under her breath. “I knew there was something wrong with you. I should’ve pushed more.”

“I wouldn’t have told you.”

“Like you wouldn’t have told me now if I hadn’t caught you in the middle of a fit?” His silence was enough answer; she glared. “Like you haven’t told mom and dad.”

“And you’re not going to tell them, either.” She opened her mouth to retaliate, but he kept talking over her. “No, Laura. It’s under control; no need to worry them.”

“That is some mighty bullshit, even for you. Don’t you think they deserve to know their son is fucking dying?”

Javier’s blood ran cold. “I’m not dying.”

“Yes you are! What do you think those fucking petals mean!?” Laura stopped to take a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “Look, I know you and denial are best friends, but you can’t hide your head in the sand with this.”

“Laura-“

“No! Now, you listen to me.” She shuffled closer, putting a hand on his knee as she tilted her head to search his downturned gaze. “If it started around Barcelona, you’ve dawdled more than enough: we’re going to the doctor to schedule the surgery.”

Javier reared away from her, spine straightening. His gaze was stone cold. “I can’t do that.”

“What?” His sister seemed perplexed, gawking at him as she waited for an explanation. When it wasn’t forthcoming, her brow furrowed and her eyes sparked angrily. “What do you mean-?“

“I mean there’s a little more than a month until Worlds, and I can’t afford the recovery time of something like that.”

“I can’t-“ Laura’s cheeks got increasingly flushed. Detachedly, Javier noted that now he’d truly angered her. “I can’t believe you, Javier! Forget fucking skating, it’s not worth your life!”

“And it’s not going to get it! You’re being dramatic, this is why I didn’t want to tell you-“

“I’m being dramatic!? You’re the one spewing petals and dying because of love!”

“It’s not like I wanted this, you know!” Javier finally exploded, rising from his seat and walking back and forth before his sister. “I’m telling you, it’s under control. I’ve seen a doctor, they’re monitoring me, the medication’s doing its job; I’ve got the time.”

“But at what cost?” Laura finally sighed, defeated. “You’re unwell, every day this goes on it’s taking a toll on your body. And you still want to skate on top of that?”

“I have to.” Javier remembered a conversation months ago; he’d thought he understood the sentiment then, but it was nothing compared to what his new perspective let him see now. The smile on his lips was bittersweet. “It’s all been for nothing if I don’t.”

Laura’s silent look was piercing: he felt transparent, like she would be able to see right through him like that, expose all his vulnerabilities.

He was right.

“It can’t be the only reason. Not for this.”

“Laura-“

“Just tell me. I know-“

“But that’s just it: you really don’t.” Javier took a deep breath, closing his eyes in a futile attempt to hide from the inevitable. “You don’t know how it is to fear losing an integral part of yourself. Memories, feelings, an unpredictable sized chunk of what makes you _you_.” He finally looked at his sister, letting her peek at the pool of despair that was always lurking inside him. “I won’t be the same person I am now when I wake on that hospital bed. I’m terrified of not being able to recognise myself.”

Laura rose from the bed and hugged him close, rubbing soothingly over his back. He could feel her stuttering breaths at his neck, against his chest, but she did not cry again. Javier let himself fall into the contact; she had always been the stronger of the two.

They stood there for a couple of minutes, taking comfort in each other, until Javier gathered enough of his courage to mention the elephant in the room.

“You haven’t asked me who it is they’re for.”

A pause.

“I don’t need to. I know.”

“It’s not Miki, that was-“

She tightened her hold on his shoulders. “I know they’re for _him_.”

Somehow, there was no question as to whom she was referring to. A shiver ran down Javier’s spine.

“How? I’ve never told anyone. I myself didn’t know at first.”

“God knows I love you, little brother, but you are so dense sometimes.” He huffed and tried to get away from her hold. Laura let him take a step back, but didn’t release him. “I’ve seen you together, I’ve seen how you look when you talk about him; of course you’re in love with that boy.”

“Laura-“

“In fact, I’m surprised this is happening at all.” She sobered up, meeting his eyes again. “Have you talked to him?”

“What?” Javier didn’t understand. “Why would I?”

“You haven’t even thought about the other way out of this? Really?” She rolled her eyes. “Yuzuru might return your feelings, dumbass.”

“Yeah, right. The very much alive plant in my chest would beg to disagree on that front, as you’ve seen.”

Laura winced. Javier knew statements like that conjured very confronting images in the brain, but he had grown desensitized to them after living with the illness for so long.

“Just trust me on this, okay?” When he groaned and turned away in protest, she pulled him back in sharply, gaze serious. “What do you have to lose? If you’re so afraid of that part of yourself disappearing, why not give it a chance? Are you really going to be able to live with yourself knowing that you’ve never even told him?”

Something burned in Javier’s chest, some ache different from that of the plant. He’d never thought about it that way, but the mere idea of such a grand feeling leaving nothing behind, evaporating like it never existed, didn’t sit well with him.

His love had value, even if it was never to be returned. It deserved some kind of recognition, some proof that it existed once, nestled underneath Javier’s ribs like a fledging bird.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” Laura explained, holding his cheeks to keep his attention on her instead of wandering off into his head. “We’re going to the doctor to schedule that surgery for right after Worlds, no question. But you’re going to go back to Toronto and tell him.”

Javier’s body recoiled at the idea, but in his mind he knew she was right. Still, he kept one thing for himself, a concession to his heart if not his logic. “Not about the flower, though.”

Lips twisted in distaste, Laura finally conceded. “Not about the flower, fine. But everything else.”

“What if he says-“

“Whatever he says. I think if your love is big and pure enough to make a damn flower sprout in your chest, Yuzuru deserves to know.”

Try as he might, Javier couldn’t argue with that.

 

* * *

 

Being back at the Cricket Club was nerve-wracking.

Javier went around expecting to see Yuzuru as he turned a corner or worse, having him sneak from behind like he was wont to do on occasion. He’d been thinking so much about what and how exactly he was going to tell Yuzuru, that Javier feared it was written all over his face.

It wasn’t a good feeling.

In truth, he didn’t think he was ready to come clean. As much as he had agreed with Laura that it was something that needed to be done, he wasn’t sure he could handle looking his friend in the eye and seeing rejection, no matter how gently Yuzuru let him down. It was what Javier expected to happen, and yet he was afraid of not being strong enough to deal with the consequences.

Him and Yuzuru, they had a good thing going; a special bond born of shared circumstances, respect and trust. Something that had grown and evolved as they both grew and evolved themselves.

He wasn’t ready to let go.

Still, Yuzuru’s continued absence felt weird; he was supposed to have come back before Javier did, but two days later there was still no sign of him. No Yuzuru stubbornly trying time and again to perfect his quad salchow on the ice; no vigilant Yumi watching from behind the windows of the rink.

On the third day, Javier arrived earlier and accosted Nam as his rink mate was getting off his morning practice.

“Hey, Nam.”

“Hi there, oh mighty European champion.” His friend bowed mockingly from his position on the bench, where he’d been unlacing his boots. “Finally parted with your beloved bed early enough to mix with the plebe?”

Javier ruffled a hand through Nam’s short hair in retaliation. “Come on, you know you’re my favourite plebeian anyway.”

“Get off, you bully!” The Spaniard kept laughing, but let himself be pushed away. “Gosh, I don’t even know why I miss you guys, everything is so much more peaceful when you’re gone.”

“Boring, you mean.”

“It’s never boring when Tracy decides you need a special touch-up during stroking practice,” Nam complained. Something popped in his back as he stretched, wincing. “That woman may look like an angel, but she’s ruthless.”

Javier grimaced in sympathy and anticipation. He himself had a session scheduled with her the next day, and was already dreading what she would put him through after his break. “I know the feeling.”

“I’ll definitely feel it tomorrow. _Ow_.”

“Don’t give her the satisfaction of hearing you say that. You know she feeds on our pain.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Nam groaned as he grabbed his soakers and started packing his boots away. “So, what do you want?”

Javier tried to not look guilty. “Why would I want anything besides saying hello?”

“Really.” Nam’s incredulous, ‘don’t-bullshit-me’ face was starting to rival Brian’s. The other was impressed. “Come on, out with it.”

They stared each other down for a moment, Nam’s eyebrows getting increasingly higher as Javier’s shoulder’s dropped. It was funny how Nam was the one sitting down and yet, in this situation, he felt like the taller of the two.

“Where’s Yuzu? I haven’t seen him since I got back.”

“That’s it? Why make all this drama to ask the most expected question?” At Javier’s glare, Nam raised his palms in defence and shrugged. “Okay, whatever. He’s not here.”

“I know he’s not here, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“I mean he’s not in Toronto. He hasn’t come back from Japan, that I know of.”

A seed of dread started to grow in the back of Javier’s mind. “Has something happened?”

Nam sighed, shaking his head as he turned to close his suitcase. “Brian doesn’t seem worried, so it’s not like Yuzu’s dropped from the face of the Earth.”

“That’s not really reassuring.”

“Look, Javi, I don’t know. It seems like nobody tells me anything anymore around here.” The Spaniard felt a bit guilty hearing that, because he knew at least he was doing it. “Try actually calling him, he might pick up for you.”

Javier stayed standing where he was long after Nam’s back had finally disappeared in direction of the showers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are all Laura, I know :__D
> 
> Next time: the different shades of frustration.
> 
> (PS: thank you so much for the amount of support in last chapter. Sometimes other people's opinions on your choice of work or wide generalizations can be hurtful, even when you tell yourself it doesn't apply; after all, we writers tend to be an insecure bunch. So, yeah. It was very much appreciated <3)


	15. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fate's not being kind to anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer wait, but I am finally free~~!! I'm also riding the high of those few, magical days when exams are over but grades aren't out yet, and you can live in blissful ignorance. Will you pass or is the clock just ticking towards impending doom? Whichever it is, there's nothing more to be done, so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Anyway, this chapter's more on the angsty side of things because, apparently, both fate and my brain decided to hate happiness at this point. Yay (?)

 

 

Time zones were a whacky thing. Javier usually preferred to text first, just in case the other person was unavailable; they could always call back when the moment was right.

                < Hey, what happened? You promised me a hug, but you’re not here.

                < I miss you.

He did his best to not think too much about how that sounded. Talk like that was common enough between them, nothing that out of the ordinary; Javier was only worrying about it being pitiful now because of his underlying feelings.

Truth was, looking at how his usual interactions with Yuzuru went, he felt pretty stupid at not realizing what was happening before.

Maybe the flower was the universe’s way of kicking his ass for being so utterly oblivious.

Javier had been typing an e-mail to his doctor in Toronto to ask for a refill of his prescription when the video call came through.

“Hey, Yuzu- Effie, get down!” he sputtered through a faceful of cat fur as she chose that moment to jump off his lap and in front of the laptop. “Bad kitty!”

His view was blocked by his very disdainful-looking cat, but he could still hear Yuzuru’s amused cooing from the speakers. “Hello, Effie. Don’t mind silly Javi, you the best kitty. You my favourite.”

She actually _meowed_ at the screen before Javier pushed her over. Clearly displeased, she jumped off the table and finally left the room in a huff, her tail held straight up like a flag pole.

Javier turned back to his laptop and a snickering Yuzuru. “I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to steal my cat’s love and attention even from over there, but I’m onto you.”

Yuzuru laughed at the other’s ‘I’m-watching-you’ gesture. “Is true: I only call Javi to see her. She more cute than you.”

“So you think I’m cute?” Javier told his heartbeat to stop accelerating in no uncertain terms; it made the returning ache in his chest bigger.

“You silly.” There was a string of mumbled Japanese as Yuzuru rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, but Javier could still understand the _baka_ in between. Even if most of it was made up of joking complaints, he couldn’t help but grin at the flush on his friend’s cheeks. “This is why I like cat, and not you.”

“Fair enough.”

The cheerful banter dwindled down then, leaving the more serious concerns on the surface where both of them could see them, but weren’t sure where to begin unravelling them. Javier started rubbing over his breastbone absently, something that had become habit whenever pressure grew inside. It was ineffectual but soothing all the same, and he didn’t even notice himself doing it anymore.

Yuzuru noticed. His eyes looked dark like coals on the screen as he zeroed in on the gesture, piercing and serious; in their depths, a spark not unlike anger that made Javier’s breath catch in his throat when their gazes finally met.

“I don’t go back to Canada. I stay here until Worlds.”

“What?” Javier’s hand stopped cold, his lips dropped open with surprise. “Why?”

“Bad ankle. More rest, less training.” Yuzuru’s jaw visibly clenched, a muscle jumping in his cheek. He seemed weirdly still otherwise, wound too tight to be contained for long. “Not worth going back.”

That hurt for a moment, as instinct took over and lumped Javier in with the rest of Canada that was apparently not worth going back to. He shook his head once rationality caught up: this wasn’t about him and his feelings, but about Yuzuru and the impotence he could now put a name to roiling beneath the thin veneer of calm.

“I’m sorry.”

He knew that wasn’t the most helpful thing to hear when one was frustrated to the point of imploding, but the sentiment was true and all Javier had. It was hard to be comforting when there was so much distance stretching between them, when so much of their communication usually went unspoken.

“I just… tired. Get a little better, then other thing happen and I back here in bed,” Yuzuru slowly said through clenched teeth. His breathing looked fabricated, the measured rise and fall of his shoulders tense and unnatural. “I fight, and fight, and nothing change.”

Javier understood how raging against the inevitable felt. “Yuzu…”

“Why everything happen to me?” he finally exploded, slamming his fist down. “Everyone tell me there is reason for this, but is so hard to believe when it hurt all the time and can’t do anything!”

Javier’s heart throbbed painfully. It was uncharacteristic of Yuzuru to be so open with that kind of selfish negativity, to let someone else see into a normally hidden part of himself.

It scared him.

“Yuzu, hey! Look at me.” Blazing eyes met his, wet at the corners with angry tears. Javier swallowed drily, but stood his ground. “It fucking sucks. It’s okay to say that. It’s not a grand plan to make you stronger: shit just happens for no reason and it’s okay to be angry.” Yuzuru snorted bitterly and looked away, but the Spaniard knew he was still listening. “It is also okay to take all the shit life throws at you and try to make the best of it, but that doesn’t mean it sucks any less or that it stops hurting.”

As he tried to reach Yuzuru with his words, simple and crude as they were, Javier felt them resonate within himself. His and Yuzuru’s pain weren’t comparable, but they didn’t need to be; they were fundamentally different hurts, though both were valid in their own right.

And even the strongest, most selfless of them should be allowed their selfishness every once in a while. It was only human.

“It’s okay to be tired and it’s okay to be angry. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and try not to bottle everything up: it’s not healthy.”

Javier’s pulse beat a wild rhythm in his temples and his throat had gone from just dry to itching, which didn’t bode well for him. Even so, he waited to see if the message had gone through. Yuzuru hadn’t moved and was still turned away from him, but his shoulders were starting to droop.

“I don’t count the cursing, this time,” Yuzuru finally said, in a small voice. He sniffled as he wiped in annoyance at his eyes, and Javier felt his own body relax with it. “When Javi become less silly and more wise?”

“Even I have my moments,” the Spaniard shrugged. “Guess I’m not hopeless, after all.”

Yuzuru didn’t turn his head, but looked back at him from the corner of his eye. There was understanding there, gratitude and a deep kind of affection that made Javier’s poor, stupid heart flutter against the constraining pressure in his chest.

Yuzuru cleared his throat and the moment evaporated. “Sorry I call only for complaining, but I go now. Physio.” The grimace at the end was enough to convey that it wasn’t a pleasant prospect.

“It’s fine. I’m here even if you only need to vent, okay?”

“Same for Javi. I want to help, too.”

There he went, back to earnest. It was so difficult to lie to that face, and it only got harder with time as the weight of Javier’s secret grew. But present circumstances only proved his desire to keep his troubles from also weighting on Yuzuru right; as always, his friend had enough on his plate.

Javier let himself have one little thing, though.

“I know. Seeing you helps.”

Yuzuru was beautiful when he blushed.

“I call you other day, okay?”

Javier kept that image for himself long after the call ended. When he found spots of blood again on his pillow the next morning, he wondered if he should start following his own advice and stop fighting the inevitable.

 

* * *

 

Doctor Micklem’s office was situated on the north-eastern face of the hospital building, which made for easy, warm lighting on clear mornings like that one. It fell directly over the pin board on the opposite wall, covered in fairly illegible post-it notes and childish drawings from the doctor’s grandchildren. Beneath it there was a beautiful purple orchid in a pot, its vibrant tones tying together the colourful corner in the otherwise sleek and sterile room.

Javier hadn’t really noticed the plant before, but now he couldn’t stop staring at it.

The doctor realized where his patient was looking the moment he got back, a big brown envelope in his hands, as he took his seat behind the desk. “Sorry about that. I’m sure it doesn’t bring good images, considering your current situation.”

Javier snapped to attention. “It’s fine.”

“Yours is not an orchid though, isn’t it?”

“Japanese iris.”

“Ah, yes. My mother in law used to grow them in her garden; beautiful, hardy flowers.”

“I could use it being a little less hardy, right now,” Javier chuckled. He winced afterwards: his throat was still quite sore after the previous night’s fit.

“That would be nice, yes.”

Doctor Micklem had been Javier’s primary doctor in Toronto since he first moved in, and had seen him through the usual wear and tear of an elite athlete’s career. Injuries made strange acquaintances out of patients and their doctors, and Javier felt comfortable enough to crack a joke at his own expense before things got necessarily more serious.

“So, I’ve got the other day’s scan results over here.” The doctor went to turn his computer screen, but Javier stopped him with a gesture. He hadn’t looked at any of them and he wasn’t going to start now; he needed the peace of mind ignorance gave him. With a simple nod of understanding, the older man continued. “We have compared them to the ones you got done in Spain before starting your meds: growth is not yet as advanced as it was, but it is speeding up again. How long ago did the bleeding restart?”

“About a week and a half. Not every day, though.”

Doctor Micklem made a face. “Still. Your current dose won’t cut it for long.”

“I just need to hold until after the World Championships.” Javier leaned his forearms on the desk, leaning closer in an unconscious effort to entreat himself to his sceptical doctor.

He got a disbelieving look for that one. “You’re planning on competing, if only with your lung capacity like this? I don’t advise it.”

“Doctor Herrera said the same thing.”

“I like that woman. She’s a good professional.” Doctor Micklem sent him a resigned glance. “Unlike you, who are being a bad patient.”

“It is ultimately my choice.” Javier smiled. It was not a happy gesture, but good enough for now. “I made it long ago.”

There was a beat of silence. The stillness was broken when Doctor Micklem reached for a prescription sheet and started filling it.

“I still don’t agree, but that’s not my job; my job is keeping you foolish boy alive.” He handed the paper to Javier once he was done: the rushed handwriting was as illegible as the one on the wall. “We’re upping your dose. It’s going to be close, but we’re hoping it will keep you functional over your deadline.”

“Thank you.”

“Let’s hope you’ll be here to thank me again come April.”

 

* * *

 

Training had never been so hard.

His mind was used to the gradual ramping up of intensity as the World Championships grew near: Tracy’s nit-picking over the control of his edges on the step sequence, Brian’s push for more in his run-throughs, the increased number of them to build stamina. He’d been working with his current coaching team for years; they knew his patterns and how to construct his schedule to get Javier at peak condition in Shanghai.

It was his body that struggled to keep up with the plan.

The music ended and Javier folded forward onto himself, breath wheezing in his throat. He’d gotten used to many of the things his illness put him through, but the feeling of suffocation, of desperately pulling air into his lungs and it not being enough still scared him on a deep, instinctual level. He did his best to ignore the feeling when it happened, keeping his conscious mind occupied with the task of forcibly maintaining his airflow so as not to blackout on the ice. It had already happened once, and Brian would not let him get away with it with only a couple days of rest and a vague promise of calling his doctor a second time.

“Javi! My goodness, are you okay?” Tracy, who was closest to him, left Nam for a moment to check on him. He was thankful for the soothing movement of her hand up and down his spine: it was a nice distraction from the awful pressure in his chest. “You look ready to keel over!”

Black spots appeared at the edge of Javier’s vision when he straightened; he shook his head to try and dispel them. It could still happen. “I’ll be fine. Just winded.”

Keeping his condition a secret from the people who bore witness to his everyday struggles was getting difficult, too. The myriad of excuses he’d used at the beginning weren’t cutting it now that his physical decline was more evident, and even though both Brian and Tracy knew about his so called ‘respiratory infection’ and treatment, it didn’t take away their worries when they saw him struggling to breathe.

In the middle of the ensuing light-headedness, Javier sometimes wondered if this is how it had always been for Yuzuru with his asthma. There were still very vivid images in his brain of his friend unable to stand after a program, lips a bloodless blue and body shaking with effort.

Javier had always thought Yuzuru’s fight against this physical setback was admirable; after having a taste himself, he marvelled at the other’s sheer stubbornness and determination.

Brian’s eyes looked sad when Javier made it rink-side, propping his shoulder against one of the wooden beams as he took a drink from his bottle.

“Javi-“

“We’ve talked about this.”

“Yes, and you said it was getting better. That,” his coach said, pointing to centre ice where Javier had almost collapsed a couple minutes before. “Is not getting better.”

“Minor setback, I told you. Doctors have it monitored.”

“As good as it is to know you’re not actually dying,” Javier flinched guiltily, hiding behind his bottle. Brian seemed too exasperated to notice. “You can’t expect me not to worry when one of my skaters comes in looking like death warmed over every couple of days. And I don’t even have the peace of mind from knowing it’s just because you’re hungover, which says something about this whole situation.”

Lying to Brian like this was one of the worst things Javier had had to do since the onset of his illness. The man had been such an influence in turning around his career, his life, even. Brian had become so much more than his coach; he was like his second father, his family away from home. He knew Brian would blame himself long after everything was done for not noticing, for going along with Javier’s deceptions and not prying further.

It broke Javier’s heart to know Brian would very probably come to regret trusting him to tell the truth. He could only hope the damage wouldn’t be irreparable.

“Anyway, you’re done for today. Cool down and please, please go home, be stereotypically Spanish and take a nap. Coach’s orders.”

Javier managed to keep the rising bile down until he could sequester himself away into a cubicle at the locker room bathroom, emptying his stomach’s contents in the toilet while his body shook in a cold sweat. The acid aftertaste didn’t agree with his raw throat, and he wasn’t surprised when a coughing fit followed. Some petals were coming up bloodied, again.

Desperation built as moisture at the corner of his eyes, and Javier could do nothing but close them against the pain radiating through his body.

Bad days were the worst.

 

* * *

 

As cliché as it sounded in his head, Yuzuru’s presence did help, even if the other was also frustrated as all hell and an ocean away.

They talked little about skating, and never in depth: both their individual struggles and the looming competition that would have them being direct rivals again made the subject a touchy one, and best avoided.

While it was clear they were both dissatisfied with the state of things on the ice, they could still commiserate together without going into details.

“I’ve had the shittiest day; do you mind if we forget about racing and kill some stuff?”

“I think I need that, too.”

First-person shooter games weren’t usually Yuzuru’s first choice of entertainment, but Javier had an inkling his friend was starting to see why the Spaniard reached for them so much. He couldn’t understand half of what Yuzuru inevitably ended up grumbling in angry Japanese through his headset, but the victorious exclamations when they took down an enemy base together needed no translation.

They made a good team.

“Hey, Yuzu.” Javier rubbed the pad of his thumbs over the controller, gaze absently watching the moving background of the game’s menu on the television screen. There was a soft sound of acknowledgement in his ear, and he gathered his courage. “I know it’s competition time and all that, but I still want that hug when we get to Shanghai. Please.”

There might have been a chuckle there, too low for Yuzuru’s headset to pick up clearly. Javier wondered how much of his underlying desperation and need for comfort had been picked by his own.

“I want hug with Javi always. No need to ask.”

It was amazing how such simple words could warm Javier from the inside.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything sucks right now, but there's hope for the future. I'm going with that.
> 
> Next time: Shanghai calling!


	16. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunions, reflections and a kind of realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally at Worlds! The road has been rocky, to say the least, but things are coming to a head one way or another. Maybe. ~~I hope.~~
> 
> I would always recommend watching along with the competitions as they happen in this story, but especially this time. Shanghai gave us my favourite performances of both [Black Betty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FjZDgP1mCA) and [Chopin 1.0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFHnwnH5YpY), and they have their own place in the narrative. Enjoy!

 

 

Arriving in Shanghai was different from arriving in Barcelona.

There was no feeling of scrutinizing stares following Javier’s every move, no sense of great expectations weighting him down as the Cricket Club team checked in at the hotel and then left for the venue to register. The air brimmed with excitement, but it slid over his skin and directed elsewhere.

Yuzuru’s imminent presence felt like a living, breathing thing around Javier. Even though his friend hadn’t arrived yet, he seemed to be everywhere Javier looked: gazing solemnly from an ad at the Edea booth, on the practice rotation sheet he got with his accreditation, silhouetted in many of the banners already hung around the rink and in every little flash of bright yellow Pooh merchandising he could see people sporting.

Time seemed to stand still as the universe waited for the defending champion to arrive.

For Javier it meant a dichotomy of desperately wanting to see the person he loved after the long months apart, and feeling the rising itch of competitiveness that told him to keep his guard up because his biggest rival was coming and he was coming in strong. The contradiction wasn’t new, he tried to remind himself, but the ache in his chest begged to differ.

Whatever happened in the competition itself, Worlds was it for them. Yuzuru didn’t know, but Javier’s feelings had an end date that was fast approaching; so many things would change after that. In a way, Javier guessed he was finally mourning the loss while he could still look it in the eye, before even that was taken from him.

He gave himself permission to spend that one day nursing his pain in silence, going through the motions, before the competition started in earnest and he would have to forcibly shift his focus towards skating. Jet-lag was a wonderful excuse that not even Brian tried to question when his pupil retired unusually early from their team meeting.

There were two new messages waiting for him when he came back from the bathroom in his room, still sipping at a glass of water to soothe his throat and dilute the aftertaste of blood in his mouth.

                > Remember our agreement: don’t come back home until you tell him! Or I will somehow get his number and do it myself, which won’t be as nice.

Reading Laura’s first put the other into perspective.

                > Almost there! Wait for me? ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

Javier typed an instinctive _always_ , but that wouldn’t be true for long, would it?

                < Yes.

Still, he startled from his light doze when there was a knock on his door a while later.

“Hello, Javi.”

Fresh-faced and smiling, Yuzuru was a sight for sore eyes. There was none of the frustration and anger Javier knew he must still be feeling on display, only sweet affection and contentment as they shared the same space for the first time in months.

Javier wanted to touch him so much it hurt.

“How do you always end up in my room?” he asked instead, playful, inviting the other inside.

Yuzuru snorted ungracefully, but when he looked at the Spaniard from under his lashes it was with mischief sparking in his eyes. “Only mom search for me in here, so no one else find me. More easy, no interrupting.”

Javier had to remind his foolish heart that it was nothing more than friendly banter, praying that the warmth spreading through his limbs would not show on his face. He swallowed, hiding a wince at the dry feeling behind a smile of his own. “Does that mean you’re using me to hide from everyone else? I don’t know if I should be offended-”

“Don’t.” He got a sudden armful of Japanese skater when Yuzuru hugged him around the waist and laid his head on Javier’s shoulder. “Javi is safe place.”

Javier’s arms were trembling when he hugged Yuzuru back. He closed his eyes, surrendering himself to a feeling so inescapable it had made a beautiful, terrible flower take root in his chest. His friend’s hair was soft against his cheek, his body warm and solid beneath Javier’s tightening hold. “I’m glad.”

He had this. Even if his love wasn’t returned in kind, Javier was sure Yuzuru loved him in his own way. It may not be enough for the universe and whatever capricious odds had put him in this situation, but it was enough for him.

“Same for Javi,” Yuzuru said with determination, taking a step back to look the Spaniard in the eye. “I here for you too, yes?”

Javier only noticed his hand was still on the other’s neck, thumb rubbing absently under Yuzuru’s ear, because the ends of his hair tickled against his fingers. He made himself drop the contact.

_I can’t ever regret loving you. Even if it hurts._

“Yes. I feel better already.”

“You look more tired in person than in computer.” Yuzuru’s finger tapped softly around Javier’s eyes, frowning as he went. “You okay?”

It was a tricky question with a loaded answer. Javier didn’t want to sour their meeting by cutting himself open and bleeding his dread and hopelessness over the small, safe space between them. Deflection had always come easy to him, though, and continued to serve him well. He could only hope his smile looked less tight than it felt. “Are you asking as a friend or just sizing up the competition?”

He took the pain in stride when Yuzuru slapped at his chest in annoyance. “Be serious! I worry.”

“Jet-lag acting up, promise.” It wasn’t a lie; Javier could almost convince himself. “Don’t even know which time zone I’m in, anymore.”

“Then sleep. Practice tomorrow, have to be ready.”

“You’re not going to go easy on me?”

Yuzuru smirked. “I never go easy.”

Friendly rivalry was much more bearable than ominous doom and uncertainty. Javier relaxed and this time, when he returned the smile, it felt good. “Good luck and see you after everything?”

“Yes. Good luck.”

Competition was on; everything else would have to wait.

 

* * *

 

The thing Javier noticed the most in the following days was that Yuzuru looked _sharp._

It was obvious in his skating, his movements carefully measured but quick as lightning, his jumps both powerful and smoothly landed when things went well. It was also there in his interactions with people outside the innermost circle of his team, where he was unfailingly polite as usual and smiled happily enough, even though a knowledgeable observer could still see the cogs turning behind his dark eyes, calculating and determined.

Sharp enough to cut, if one was not careful.

It was a little intimidating to watch, and Javier had to admit he wasn’t as invulnerable to it as he would have liked.

Looking at Yuzuru when he had a good practice was like looking up the unfriendly face of a rock wall. Javier was an expert climber; he had the tools and, hopefully, the character to attempt it. That didn’t take away the difficulty and serious risk such an enterprise entailed.

As he coughed lightly into his gloves, glad that the dark fabric would hide any small blood stains when they inevitably happened, he reminded himself he was already taking much bigger risks. Javier had nothing to lose anymore, not on the ice. Anything he could get as he pulled himself up that rock wall he would happily take as a sign that his sacrifices hadn’t been in vain.

He’d been holding on for so long, now; it was time to show that he had learned something on the way.

 

* * *

 

Brian took him aside after practice, handing Javier a steaming cup of coffee.

“It’s nothing much, I’m afraid; just from the coffee machine down the hallway.”

“It’s coffee.” Javier took it gratefully. It was too hot to drink yet, especially considering his tender throat, but the heat was soothing as it travelled up his arms. “You know I never turn my nose up at coffee.”

“You say that, but I’ve seen the kind of fancy brews you’re getting used to back home,” Brian chuckled into his own cup, taking a seat besides his pupil. “Aren’t you turning into something of a connoisseur?”

“It’s Yuzu’s fault, actually,” Javier started. A fond smile pulled up his lips as he explained. “Not like he said anything, obviously, but he kept looking at my tea-bag selection with this sad, kicked-puppy look, you know?” Brian snorted at what was Javier’s probably very poor rendition of said look. The Spaniard continued. “I broke down eventually, of course. The people at the shop roped me into trying their coffee when I went to get his preferred blend of loose tea, and the rest is history.”

Deeming it safe, he took a sip from his cup and tried not to grimace at the taste. Very far from his Java-blend coffee back in Toronto, but caffeine was caffeine and always welcome in his books.

Brian’s look was part curious, part something else when Javier glanced back at his coach after a moment of stunned silence. “You bought tea for Yuzu?”

“Of course. You know he doesn’t like coffee.”

Javier didn’t see what the big deal was, but let it go when Brian changed the subject. “You looked good today. It was a good practice.”

“Yeah. Quad salchow is back to cooperating, for now.”

“Not that. I mean, that too, obviously, but you look _better_. You seemed very ill that last week in Toronto, Javi.” Brian let his head fall towards his chest, gaze fixed on his hands on the cup. “Tracy and I were seriously thinking you should withdraw.”

Javier’s shoulders tensed, throat suddenly dry. “I’m not withdrawing. I can do it.”

“I know, which is why you’re here at all. But after this is over, you’re taking as much time off as needed to beat that infection once and for all. I don’t like that it’s taking so long; I’m worried it might develop into something worse.”

It was plenty bad. Javier didn’t think it could get much worse before it started truly hampering his way of life.

He shook the dark thoughts loose before they could take root: he had no time for those.

“I’ll worry about that when I can stop worrying about skating.”

Brian patted him on the shoulder. “That is not a problem. Skate like you’ve been doing, like I know you can, and the gold is very much in reach.”

Gold.

Gold in the World Championships was something Javier was used to wanting like many people wanted a suburban home with a white picket fence and two point five children: it was a nice dream, standard for someone in his situation, expected. He wanted it because he was supposed to, but it hadn’t burned with the personal need of something he felt he could actually attain.

Of course Javier wanted to be World champion; it had just always looked so out of his reach that he’d never thought it could be in the realm of possibility.

He was not like Yuzuru, who peered into the vast array of possibilities that the future had to offer and grabbed with an iron grip onto the one string that ended with the gold medal around his neck. Javier wanted to do his best, and if that meant a win then so be it, but most of the time he didn’t _expect_ to win.

Brian and the rest of his coaching team had always believed in him; it was the reason he’d grown comfortable with them after years of feeling adrift under Morozov’s tutelage, the reason he had stayed in Toronto for more than the one summer. And yet, hearing those words from Brian surprised him.

Javier still didn’t know about gold, but his best? He could do pretty close to that.

Let the pieces fall where they may.

“I can only try, right?”

 

* * *

 

Javier tried.

He let the world fade away as he took his starting position on centre ice for the short program, put on his character, and let go the moment the music started.

He was no longer Javier the skater, not really, but this rock-and-roll lover guy on the dance floor, inviting everyone around to join in. Suave, cocksure, confident in his allure. He had come to show off his moves, to enjoy life and have a good time, but then someone caught his eye at the fringes of the room. Aloof beauty, dizzying curves, dark eyes that sparked in challenge. They – _him_ , it was him, this time; he wasn’t so easily impressed.

It turned into a playful seduction, his character trying to temp him closer, now wanting a partner to dance the night away with. And he… he was smiling back. Maybe-

The music ended, his blades stopped; the image dissolved as the roaring wave of the crowd noise came back, and it was done. Javier’s chest hurt with each breath, but he knew he had delivered.

What he didn’t know was if _he_ had come closer, in the end.

After leaving the Kiss & Cry, his group’s path crossed with Yuzuru’s, who was waiting for Brian by Kikuchi’s side. To Javier, the other looked carved in marble: smooth, pale, beautiful; terribly strong underneath it all. The Spaniard didn’t say anything, respectful of Yuzuru’s bubble as his own time to skate approached, but then their eyes met and Javier knew he was doomed.

There was fire in that gaze; a slight smirk on those lips. _He_ had answered his call after all.

Javier’s heart beat wildly in his chest as Yuzuru simply walked past him towards the rink entrance, leaving him frozen on the spot. Wondering. Wanting.

The moment was broken when he felt a touch on his arm, someone distantly asking if he was okay. Quickly excusing himself, Javier turned around and went back to the entrance, hiding in the shadows as the rumble of the crowd turned into a low hum, then into expectant silence.

He needed to watch this.

His answer.

Chopin’s piano filled the venue, and Yuzuru took off.

The elegance, the weightlessness Javier was used to seeing was still there, but there was a new energy, its boil barely disguised in the sharpness of every gesture. He was commanding; the master who played the strings and pulled the people around him at will. He would not be a passive subject to seduction, but he may be amenable to play the game as long as it was by his own rules.

Yuzuru came as closer to Javier’s position as his performance allowed, then took off for the other side of the rink through his step sequence, pulling the Spaniard down out of orbit at critical velocity.

_Come and get me._

Yuzuru won the short program. The day was _his_.

Javier didn’t even care that it pushed him down into second place; for the first time, there was hope in his heart bigger than the pain in his chest.

He may have an answer.

 

* * *

 

Even through layers of clothing, Javier’s skin burned when he reached for Yuzuru, stopping him in his tracks before they had to leave the much emptier locker room for the busy press conference. They had already congratulated each other on their respective performances amicably, but this was different.

More personal; more fragile.

“After all this is done, I have something to tell you.”

“Me, too.” Yuzuru peered at him between his eyelashes; the fire was still roaring there. Then he shook off Javier’s grip on his wrist only to offer his extended pinky. “Promise?”

Javier wrapped his own around. “Promise.”

His fate was sealed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this a cliffhanger? You tell me :_D
> 
> Next time: the pieces fall where they may.
> 
> (I'm sorry to leave it here, but the Olympic craze is real and the next update will have to wait until that's over ~~if I survive, but then again we're all suspect of not making it, methinks~~. Let's hope for a good competition, no injuries, and performances that everyone can be satisfied with! *lights candles* *prays*)


	17. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In my heart, you are always the champion."

 

 

“I’m pretty glad I don’t have to be in the final group. You guys are freaking scary.”

Javier glanced up from his boot laces at Nam, who’d just sat down by his side like a ton of bricks and was now complaining with his head thrown back against the wall.

“Come on, you train with us. What’s the difference?”

“Really? I’ve never seen you this intense back at Cricket, it’s kind of unsettling,” Nam explained with a grimace. Then he nodded towards the corner, where Yuzuru was still doing some stretches with Kikuchi. “And he’s even worse. I didn’t think it was possible for him to look more murderous, but he keeps proving me wrong.”

Javier looked at their rink mate, but could see nothing unusual in his demeanour. “We’re in the middle of a big competition, everyone’s under pressure; it happens.”

“He wasn’t like that at the Cup of China.” Javier’s body seized with tension, fingers tangled in his laces. Nam seemed to suddenly realize what he’d said, because he rushed to clarify. “I mean, before the crash happened, obviously. I know he gets intense, but not like this.”

“Worlds is much bigger than a mere GP, though. And after all that’s happened this season… I understand why he’s like this.”

“It just makes me feel left out, you know?” Nam finally burst out, in a small voice. Javier abandoned his boots to look at him fully, which made his friend get flustered with embarrassment at showing so much of his vulnerable thoughts. Nonetheless, he pushed on. “You and Yuzu, you’ve been here before. It’s not your first rodeo, you know what to expect and how to deal with things.”

“Nam-“

“I thought I was ready for it, right? I’ve been competing all my life, senior Worlds was going to be more of the same. Turns out it doesn’t feel the same at all.” Nam sighed dejectedly. “You two being here was supposed to be something familiar and help, but you’re so different. You have been competing together for years and may be used to it, but it’s jarring to me.”

His friend didn’t struggle when Javier threw an arm around his shoulders in a side hug, tilting their heads together. “I’m sorry it’s affecting you like that. We can’t exactly control it, it’s just a consequence of competition and extreme focus.”

“I know. It’s not like I expect any of you to shift your attention because of me, but it still sucks.”

“Well, as a born and bred _madrileño_ I completely support your basic right to complain about stuff.” Javier moved his grip to ruffle Nam’s hair, which had him whining in annoyance and fighting to get free. “You’ll do fine, _hermano_. Stop thinking and everything will be easier.”

“What, like you do? Sorry, I’m no good at playing the dumb Spaniard card.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll get you when this is over, don’t think I won’t!”

Nam flipped him the bird as he stood back up and scampered away, but he was chuckling under his breath.

As he turned towards his suitcase, Javier caught Yuzuru’s questioning gaze from across the room.

“I’ll tell you later,” he mouthed in response.

Cricket family affairs stayed in the family, after all.

 

* * *

 

As luck would have it, Javier was to skate right after Yuzuru in the free.

It was both a good and a bad thing, and for the same reason: he would know what he was up against when his turn came. Something like that could just as easily help as send him reeling into a downward spiral of pressure.

Same old, same old.

Brian still winced when they pored over the schedule sheet together in their last team meeting to plan for the next day.

“I hate when this happens. I don’t like leaving one of you alone when the scores come.”

“Is fine. Kikuchi-san and others with me.”

“They’re not your coach, though.”

Brian looked intently at Yuzuru, probably having some kind of silent conversation neither Javier nor Nam were privy to. In the end, he just sighed.

“Well, that’s just how things are. We’ll get through it.”

That was how Javier found himself coach-less right before his free program. He chose not to watch Yuzuru, isolating himself in a corner backstage as he mentally went through his program. He tried not to think about what his main rival was doing out there, or the very little points that separated them after the first segment, something that Spanish media had insisted on highlighting in every interview since.

There had been plenty of time for that in the morning, when the pressure had clogged his throat until it triggered a fit that left him retching painfully in a cubicle for minutes.

Javier couldn’t afford a repeat of that right now, no matter how his chest ached with accumulated petals and tightening roots.

Quad toe. Quad sal, triple toe. And then another quad sal to open the second half. Landing his three quads was the most important thing, his biggest weapon against whatever waited for him out there.

He’d done it many times in practice. He just had to do it when it mattered, in front of the eyes of the world and carrying the weight of expectations on his shoulders.

That was what being World champion meant, right?

“Javi.” Brian’s hand on his arm startled him out of his reverie. “It’s time.”

They left the comfortable bubble of dimness that was the entrance for the dazzling lights of the arena, the wall of sound tangible enough to feel like a physical blow for Javier as the jumbotron showed the replay of Yuzuru’s skate.

He bent down to take off his skate guards and didn’t watch.

Brian was talking to him, trying to infuse confidence in the face of his pale, somewhat detached student, but Javier could only hear him as if underwater, distorted and far away. The ritual was ingrained enough that his body just went through the motions on its own, though.

Then came Yuzuru’s score over the speakers. Javier heard that clearly, knew immediately something must have gone wrong for the other.

“Go, Javi!!”

In an instant of weakness, as he pushed off the boards towards centre ice, Javier let himself follow the voice he’d recognize anywhere, in between all the other cheering voices. Yuzuru was still at the Kiss & Cry, standing and clapping for him; nodding with a small smile when their eyes met.

At that moment, he didn’t look like his rival anymore; he looked like his friend, like the person he loved. Javier took as much comfort from the image as he could and settled into his starting position.

He didn’t know how much he needed to win, only that he had a chance.

A chance that dwindled before his eyes as he fell on his quad salchow and lost the combination there.

_Oh, well. Nobody was expecting you to actually win, anyway._

Javier easily let that fickle though of winning go, but he wouldn’t give up the rest. As much as he enjoyed it when it happened, winning had never been the be all and end all for him. He’d started so low, he was just grateful for where he was now, for having the work he’d put in repaid.

The safe choice would have been not to skate, even. Everything hurt nowadays, his body angry at his insistence on performing when it was fighting a losing battle against the flower, which had become both Javier’s true nemesis and his most faithful companion.

How many times had he woken up choking in the night? How many of those petals had come up looking more blood-red than purple?

Still, he had fought. He had come this far, he couldn’t stop now. There was pride in that, even if it didn’t come with a gold medal attached.

He recovered his combination on the second salchow, and fought on.

He hung onto his triples, and fought on.

Even when he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore, that the next rush of cold air over his parched throat would send him coughing and put a sour end to things, he fought on.

Javier had given everything he had when the music finally stopped, had kept nothing for himself. Just then on the ice, that had been the purest image of what made him the person he was at that moment in his life: raw, imperfect, but with as much try and heart as he could muster.

He was exhausted, but it was done. Whatever happened, he could finally rest after this. He could finally let go.

It was like he came back to himself little by little, first with Brian’s proud congratulations on a battle won and second as he drank greedily, soothing his itchy throat and dissipating some of the light-headedness as he walked to the Kiss & Cry. He sat gratefully through the replays, wincing at his iffy landings, but he could feel all his limbs again when it was over. Yuzuru and Nam grinned at him from the green room, and it was a familiar enough image that Javier answered jokingly in kind, like he would always do.

When his scores came he didn’t realize what they meant, at first. He turned to discuss the numbers with his coach as usual, when Brian jumped at his side and the message over the speakers suddenly registered.

He was first.

He was going to win.

He couldn’t believe it, didn’t know what to do with himself. He hadn’t prepared for this, he hadn’t ever thought he’d need it.

Javier was going to be World champion.

It was surreal.

Congratulations kept succeeding themselves one after the other as Brian took him back inside, until it was all a blur of noise, light and happiness. People smiled widely at him, offering hugs and handshakes, and Javier could do little more than smile back and nod his thanks as he followed Brian’s grip on his arm, completely overwhelmed.

“Oh my god! Congrats, _hermano_!”

Nam was on his way out of the green room when they got there, and thus the first person who actually threw himself at Javier in glee, hanging from his shoulders as he bounced in place and almost sent them both toppling down into one of the couches.

“I can’t breathe-“

“You don’t need to breathe, you did it! Oh my god!”

Javier’s body disagreed. Panic spread through him as he did his best to hide a cough in his fist, praying it wouldn’t grow into a full-blown fit. Brian must have seen the wild look in his eyes, because he pulled Nam off immediately.

“Okay, there will be time for that later,” he said, leading Nam away from the room. “You have to leave and we have to sit here and wait for a little while more, so off you go.”

Swallowing down the metallic taste in his mouth, Javier automatically started checking his ruffled cuffs for blood. There was a spot on one of them, which he could easily hide under the sleeve of his team jacket if he-

“Javi. Congratulations.”

He raised his head so fast at the soft call he almost got whiplash. Yuzuru was there too, obviously; standing on socked feet and smiling gently at his rival. He took a step closer as Brian passed behind him to sit on the couch, and Javier felt a smile pulling at his own lips. It froze on his face when the other came close enough.

Yuzuru was crying and trying to hide it.

Realization hit Javier like a ton of bricks. He was going to win, which meant Yuzuru was going to lose his crown. His unexpected happiness came at the price of his friend’s bitter disappointment. Javier knew it was the reality of competition; that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to see.

He had grown accustomed to hurting, but Yuzuru didn’t deserve any of it.

“Hey, come here.”

Pulling the other into his arms, Javier tried to infuse as much warmth and acceptance as he could into the gesture. It was probably weird for outsiders, how he was both a source of pain and comfort, but Yuzuru understood and melted gratefully into the contact.

They had built themselves on contradictions, on their complimentary edges; the dichotomy was a part of them.

“Really, I not crying,” Yuzuru insisted, shaking his head as he rubbed stubborn tears from his eyes. Javier smoothed his fingers down the other’s neck and petted over his hair, calming, as he pulled him closer. “Happy for you, not crying.”

Javier’s heart was squeezed painfully and, for a crazy moment, he could almost see the mature iris in his mind’s eye, glowing around its hold on his insides, feeding on the feeling that spread through his body.

_I love you so much. I’ll miss you forever._

His own vision turned sharp for the first time since he left the ice in a daze, focused on the shine of Yuzuru’s wet gaze up close. Gathering his courage, he let his heart finally bleed openly without restraint.

“I won this time, but in my heart you are always the champion.”

Yuzuru looked at him for a moment suspended in time, gaze searching, until he seemed to understand. His face crumpled then, a mixture of sadness, happiness and deep affection that pierced through Javier’s heart like an arrow.

It felt precious, being allowed to witness something like that; too intimate for their current situation and the cameras around them. Javier tried to shield it from the outside world, wrapping his arms around Yuzuru’s neck and pulling him impossibly closer, hiding his friend’s tears against his chest and the heart that beat painfully for him.

It was one of the most bittersweet moments of Javier’s life.

 

* * *

 

The sadness didn’t completely disappear from Yuzuru’s eyes, it would linger in their deep shadows for a while, but as the competition ended and the medal ceremony came and went it dimmed, leaving more room for the true happiness that had always been there, too.

Still drifting on a cloud of disbelief, being able to share those moments with him made Javier’s heart soar. The true weight of what he had achieved and what it meant hadn’t hit him yet, but Yuzuru’s presence by his side was a familiar anchor. Javier drifted inevitably towards the other’s warmth, a solid point of comfort in between the noise and the flashes of light, and knew he must be smiling like a loon because his cheeks hurt from it.

It was still surreal, but also amazing.

Putting both their medals on Brian back at the Kiss & Cry hadn’t been planned, only something that happened organically out of their gratitude towards the coach that had helped them get where they were. Brian’s proud face as he posed together with his two prized pupils was priceless, though, and Javier wanted to keep that memory forever.

Even though his chest still hurt, Javier prayed these moments would be powerful enough to stay with him, anchored deeper than the flower’s roots.

 

* * *

 

Back in his hotel room, Javier let his body hit the bed when the phone call finally ended. His mother’s tearful voice still ringed in his ears, her obvious pride and love warming him up to his fingertips. Both family and friends had taken turns speaking to him, trying to make their congratulations heard over the cheerful background noise of gathered people celebrating his victory.

He was still so overwhelmed by it all, he hadn’t minded the continuous stream of chatter in the least: he wouldn’t have known what to say, didn’t have the words to explain how he was feeling yet. They would come, in time, but reality was still painted in broad strokes around him and it was difficult to focus on the details.

It was all a mixture of light and sound in his head, the feeling of breathlessness and his heart beating madly against his bruised chest. The solemn sound of Spain’s anthem as he stood on the middle of the podium. Yuzuru’s bittersweet tears as he congratulated him.

A tired groan turned into a choked noise as his body finally gave out on him, the cough getting increasingly violent while he struggled to stumble towards the bathroom. His vision blurred with effort and lack of air as he gagged, the big petals clogging his airways too easily as his body scrambled to purge them out, instinct kicked into overdrive to try and keep him breathing and alive.

Golden yellow for his win. Red for his blood. Spanish colours for the Spanish champion who left everything on the ice, and yet was so full of love an iris grew into the empty spaces left behind.

Black spots started clouding his vision, and while it wouldn’t be the first time Javier blacked out due to lack of oxygen, the pain in his chest was so sharp it was the first time since the illness started that he truly realized he was very much dying.

The highest point in his life and the lowest, joined together in perfect irony. Javier would have punched a wall in frustration if he’d had the strength.

He didn’t know how much time passed as he let himself lay there, crumpled onto the cold tiles as a puppet that had its strings cut, but the sound of a new message on his phone startled him back out of his dark thoughts and into the present. He dragged himself up slowly, his body aching in all sorts of unpleasant ways, and staggered back into the room.

                > Can’t sleep.

Only two words. Even so, Javier could read the question there perfectly.

He had been happy; still was, in a way. But he was also tired, and hurting. He wanted Yuzuru there with him, wanted the comfort. For once, he didn’t think twice about allowing himself to take something that was being offered freely and he needed so much.

                < Come.

Yuzuru was smiling tiredly when Javier opened his door, but his face fell when he got a good look at the Spaniard. Javier hadn’t had the forethought to check himself in the mirror and evaluate the damage, but going by Yuzuru’s wide-eyed gaze it wasn’t good.

“Javi, what-?

He couldn’t do this right now.

“I promised we would talk, but not now. Please?”

He could see his friend’s throat bob as he swallowed, brow furrowed deeply in worry; in the end, he nodded.

“Sleep?”

“Yeah, come on.”

Javier hadn’t thought Yuzuru would choose to come to him so soon, with his wounds still so fresh, but was so immensely thankful that he had. While not in the mood for talking, simply lying in bed together was soothing. There was comfort to be found in the soft rush of the other’s familiar breath, in the warmth of another person by their side.

As the minutes ticked by in silence and he could feel Yuzuru’s body relaxing into the mattress, Javier allowed his mind to go blank and finally let go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert author incoherently wailing forever about the Olys here*
> 
> ...Yeah. I'm still very emo, but I hope this chapter did at least a bit of justice to what happened that time in Shanghai. Also: hello to any new fans! The Olys always bring an influx of people with them, which is nice :) ~~now please someone tell these boys to stop destroying me emotionally in real life, pls~~
> 
> Next time: someone stages an intervention, someone gets their due, and someone is along for the ride.


	18. Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shanghai comes to and end, and with it the turn of the tide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've never watched [Misha's Worlds 2015 gala practice highlights](https://youtu.be/n8Ms1iAOCb4), do yourself a favour and click that link; if you have, go watch them again, because it's pure genius and will make your day better, 100% guaranteed :P

 

 

Javier woke up with the sun, coughing wetly into the pillow and clutching at his chest. He groaned in relief when it didn’t go further than a handful of petals, rolling onto his back and squinting at the light. He must have forgotten to draw the curtains yesterday, what with lying half-dead in the bathroom and then Yuzuru coming over-

_Oh, shit._

Javier jumped upright in the bed, heart beating wildly as his eyes frantically searched the room for another occupant.

Silence was his only answer.

Falling back onto the mattress with a long-suffering sigh, Javier reached a hand towards the empty space at his side. The sheets were already cold; Yuzuru must have left long ago. Instead of lingering, he picked up one of the petals and rubbed it between his fingers, relief and disappointment battling inside him.

“I hate it when he does that,” he murmured under his breath.

After a moment, Javier pulled himself out of bed and started stripping the stained pillow cover: blood stains were easier to take care of when they were fresh, and he had grown used to the ritual of washing them out before service came to clean up his room. He didn’t need the kind of questions repeated blood on his sheets would arise if found.

He had slept well, nonetheless. His body felt stiff all over, which was to be expected after competition and the violence of last night’s fit, but his mind was clear and the annoying dizziness was gone.

He didn’t remember when the last time he had managed to sleep through the night that comfortably had been; of course, it happened just when Yuzuru had chosen to stay with him.

God, he had it so bad.

Almost forgotten while he went through the motions of his morning routine, Javier couldn’t help reaching for the closed velvet box on his bedside table when he went to put on his watch before leaving. His gold medal still rested there, carefully laid out over white satin. He hadn’t taken the time to handle it much yesterday, way too overwhelmed and feeling like it would disappear like a mirage if he touched it too much.

He wasn’t any less overwhelmed now, but seeing it again in the morning light, still in his possession, somehow made it more real.

Javier was World champion. Maybe someday it would stop sounding strange.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, champ! Too tired or too lazy to join us?”

Misha seemed to have no qualms whatsoever about Javier’s new title. The Spaniard wondered who had actually started the ‘champ’ thing, because both Misha and Nam had been gleefully pestering him with it all morning.

They were both equally suspect and deserving of revenge, if you asked Javier.

“Too uninterested!” He slumped even more against the boards, chuckling under his breath at the chorus of laughter and whining complaints he got.

“How can you say that? Here, Yuzu, don’t listen to the evil man.” Mockingly offended, Misha put his hands over Yuzuru’s ears from behind, then glared at Javier. “You’re going to hurt Pooh’s feelings with talk like that!”

“Misha, stop!” Flushed with laughter, Yuzuru wriggled away from the other’s hold and turned to grab at him, taking off after his scurrying friend and losing themselves between the crowd of gathered skaters.

It had been going like this since everyone had come together on the ice to work on the group numbers for the gala. Misha and Yuzuru got on like a house on fire, and with Nam happily providing the gasoline to fuel the flames, there was little else for Javier to do but go with the flow and let himself be silly.

Their lifts needed a lot of work, that was true. For all of Yuzuru’s guffawing and criticism when Javier spun Misha around, he hadn’t been any more helpful when his turn came, giggling and flailing his legs in the air as the other tried to keep a hold of him.

“Why are you so squirmy?” Javier groaned in between laughter, pulling his charge closer to his chest to secure their position. “You’re even worse than Misha!”

“It tickle!”

“Well, I have to grab you somewhere if you don’t want to fall on your ass!”

Nam wisely opted out after witnessing Yuzuru’s shenanigans. “I’m good here, thanks.”

“See? This is why I like you.” Javier was breathing a bit hard after the effort, but couldn’t regret the wide smiles around. It felt good to play after a tense competition, all of them together for once-

“I just don’t trust you not to drop me on purpose.”

Javier threw his balled gloves into the Canadian’s grinning face.

“Hey! That’s a good idea.”

It was a while until Javier managed to get his gloves back from Misha, who’d run off gleefully and led him on a merry chase around the throngs of amused skaters. At one point, the Spaniard stopped to look pointedly at his rink mates, who were openly cackling as he passed by.

“You two could help instead of just standing there, you know.”

Yuzuru’s grin got impossibly wider. “More funny this way.”

“Some brothers you turned out to be,” Javier complained, pointing fingers as he grabbed Misha’s hoodie and let the other pull him along. “You’re all evil!”

Misha stopped them further away, in a corner with fewer people. The joking demeanour was gone when he turned, looking at Javier with a fond smile. “Feeling better now?”

He thought about denying the sentiment, but the knowing expression on his friend’s face made it futile. Javier sighed deeply. “Yeah. Thank you.”

“You looked quite dejected for a champion when you came down today. Is something wrong?”

Javier couldn’t keep a snort in. “Not really. Just my head feeling too full.”

“Friendly reminder, then: don’t let _this_ ,” Misha explained, poking the other’s forehead; then he put that same finger over Javier’s breastbone. “Keep you from enjoying _this_. You’re here, you’ve done something amazing, you have people around you who love you; everything else is just noise.”

“You’re getting good at rousing speeches. Was this your first one of the day?” Javier said to lighten the mood, even as the other’s words resonated with truth and he was thankful for them.

“Second, actually. I had to kick Yuzu’s ass into gear before yours.” Misha huffed exasperatedly. “You Cricket boys are really good at dragging your feet, you know?”

Javier didn’t get a chance to ask for further clarification on that, because Misha left to scoop Yuzuru back into conversation. The smile on his rink mate’s face seemed a bit more guarded than expected when the other sidled up to him, talking hurriedly with their heads together for a moment as they shot a couple of looks in Javier’s direction, but soon enough they were both off again as usual.

Javier was too tired to try and untangle whatever convoluted mischief they were up to now, so he took advantage of the respite to go back to the boards. He patted Pooh-san’s head once absently as he reached for his water bottle and his headphones, readying himself for another mental touch-up of his exhibition program’s choreography.

“Yuzu’s mood seems much improved since yesterday.”

Brian’s sudden input at his shoulder made Javier startle. He straightened his posture automatically, noting his coach’s slight smile when he did. “Yeah, he seems okay.”

“Funny that, because I went to speak with him last night thinking he’d be copped up in his room brooding and he wasn’t there. You wouldn’t know anything about this, would you?”

It wasn’t really a question, not with the way Brian’s eyes twinkled. Javier dropped his shoulders with a sigh and conceded.

“He was with me. He spent the night.”

Brian didn’t look surprised. He hummed thoughtfully. “Look, you know I don’t like meddling into you boys’ personal affairs, but if there’s something going on there-“

“There isn’t.” It burned, saying it out loud. Javier tried to remember the spark of hope he’d felt after the short program, but the more recent disappointment of waking up alone again was more powerful. As friendly as they’d been just now, it was just another reminder that nothing had really changed. “He was feeling down, I was feeling weird, we didn’t want to be alone. Nothing more.”

“Javi-“

“I don’t want to talk about this. You’re right, you shouldn’t meddle.”

Ignoring Brian’s worried frown, Javier abandoned his headphones on the boards and pushed away towards the centre of the rink, where Misha was rounding everyone up to work on the final group number.

Yuzuru smiled brightly at him when Javier stopped besides him and Nam.

Nothing had really changed, down to the beautiful, painful feeling of looking at that smile.

 

* * *

 

The gala went well. Javier didn’t fall on his face and he finally got his revenge on Nam by gleefully helping Yuzuru pull their younger rink mate into the jump battle, so things were as they should be.

He didn’t feel compelled to greet the ice like Yuzuru always did, but here, once everyone was leaving the rink, he took a moment. Standing at the backstage entrance, hidden away between shadows, he looked back onto the venue, the light still a mixture of dimness and colourful spotlights as the audience started vacating the seats. He tried to fix it all in his memory; not only the images, but the sound of the crowds cheering, the feeling of goosebumps on his bare arms as he skated for the last time on that ice.

This was the place where he’d achieved something he’d never really dared to dream about. It felt important to show some kind of recognition, a quiet and thankful thought just between himself and the ice.

“Taking one last look over your kingdom?”

He jumped in place as he was suddenly brought back out of his reverie. Misha still looked ridiculous, all drowned in colourful patterns and with a bandana around his head, but his gaze was solemn. Javier turned back to the rink, sighing wistfully.

“Something like that, I guess.”

The World Championships were truly over, which meant his deadline was here.

It was time to stop running.

 

* * *

 

Javier pretty much ran away from the banquet.

He stayed long enough to eat the couple bites his roiling stomach allowed and to take a bunch of pictures with everyone that would attest to his attendance, but after that he was off. He had run out of excuses to postpone his talk with Yuzuru, and now he felt as if the walls were closing in on him, with no time left to prepare after pushing the moment away for so long.

Some part of him wanted to tell Yuzuru everything, to lay himself out in the open and relieve the burden of hiding behind half-truths and a pained smile. The rest of him was still terrified of rejection, of his unrequited feelings driving Yuzuru away and changing their relationship forever.

It would change forever anyway when he had the operation, he told himself. This was why he had agreed to Laura’s terms: Javier still thought it wouldn’t make things better, but he had nothing to lose, either. If it was going to be a no-win scenario regardless, he might as well honour the feeling that had become such an integral part of him before it was uprooted.

He tossed his jacket and his tie as he paced along his hotel room, tiredness momentarily forgotten as adrenaline took over. He prayed the choking feeling in his throat was from stress and not an incoming fit, because he didn’t have the heart to go through something like the previous night right then.

What could he even say? Everything his brain conjured up sounded either way too cheesy or way too simple to convey what he wanted.

He’d had relationships before, had confessed deeper feelings than friendship more than once in his life. None of it had prepared him for this: it was somehow different from them all, flower notwithstanding, and Javier was left reeling and scared.

He stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes caught on the glint of metal from the bedside table. His gold medal stared back at him impassively from its opened box, both taunting and as a reminder.

Since when was he such a coward?

Swallowing his fear down, Javier steeled himself and turned to the bed, where he had tossed his phone when he got in. He would send Yuzuru a message asking for a meeting in the morning; sleep would do his nerves some good if he managed to have some, and since they weren’t leaving until-

There was a knock on the door.

Javier glanced automatically at his phone to check for any new notifications that would explain why someone was at his door instead of at the party downstairs, but there was nothing.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, caught between his former rising panic and surprise. “Yes?”

“Javi, is me.”

It seemed like fate had finally caught up with Javier and wasn’t going to let him get away this time.

His hand was shaking when he turned the doorknob, hidden from view as he stood face to face with Yuzuru. His friend looked twitchy, standing awkwardly in the hallway in his shirtsleeves, the line of his shoulders tense and his gaze downturned to where his fingers were fiddling with the lapels of his suit jacket. Javier didn’t know what to make of it all, but the way Yuzuru kept sucking on his bottom lip was very distracting.

When no explanation came, he decided to move things along. “So… you want to come in?”

The other merely nodded, walking quickly past Javier and into the room. He stopped when he reached the foot of the bed, back stiff and forcefully straight. Though Yuzuru was turned away from him, the Spaniard could clearly see the flinch of his shoulders when the door clicked shut.

His friend was acting weird, all of a sudden; Yuzuru had seemed normal the night before, if dejected, and had been the image of playful joy in the morning. Javier must have been missing something, a crucial piece to the puzzle, but it was still unsettling when he didn’t know where he’d lost it, or what had triggered the change.

A seed of panic took root in the back of his mind: he’d just assumed Yuzuru had left before seeing anything that morning, but what if he hadn’t?

Javier had grown too complacent, he knew this after the incident with Laura, and yet he continued to put himself into risky situations. What if Yuzuru had seen? What if he knew, and got spooked, and Javier had already lost him-

“Javi.” Whatever argument Yuzuru had been going through in his head must have been over, because he turned around deliberately slowly, his movements measured and calm as he laid his suit jacket carefully over Javier’s on the bed. “Come here, please?”

He didn’t look spooked. The calm demeanour was obviously covering for something that churned just underneath the surface, but there was no sense of fear from Yuzuru, only the steely determination that Javier was used to seeing directed at skating.

Being on the receiving end of that look was a tad unnerving: it wasn’t aggressive, but not knowing what he’d done to deserve it left Javier very adrift, unable to read a situation that had been thrusted onto him without warning.

“Yuzu-“

“Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Trust me.” A soft smile pulled up Yuzuru’s lips; it fluttered at the corners, which told Javier the other was nervous, after all. “Please.”

Javier had never been able to say no to those eyes; swallowing over a dry throat, he obeyed.

Sight gone, his other senses strained to compensate. He couldn’t really hear anything over the pounding of his own heartbeat in his temples, but the air around him felt suddenly electrified. The moment it moved slightly was enough to raise goosebumps all over Javier’s forearms, to have his fists clenching involuntarily at his sides.

He thought he couldn’t know where Yuzuru was, if the other had moved at all. Then there was a little puff of breath over his lips and it was happening before Javier could even finish the thought.

There were lips on his; warm and timid, the touch feather-light and probing, dragging a bit against Javier’s chapped lips.

It was over before he had any time to process the shifting of the Earth underneath his feet, the lightning-fast tilting of his worldview like when a jump went off its established axis. He heard Yuzuru clearing his throat and stepping back, taking with him the radiant warmth at Javier’s front he hadn’t even noticed was there until it wasn’t anymore.

His eyes shot open.

“Yuzu, what-?“

“A kiss from the prince if you win, yes? I tell you I think about it.” Yuzuru looked sheepish, gaze focused on his wringing hands and away from Javier. The Spaniard could still see the flush on his cheeks, unhidden by the fall of his hair. “And I think yes.”

Javier’s brain was completely scrambled. It took him a moment to realize what Yuzuru was referring to, and then his heart throbbed painfully with the irony. The universe had dangled what he wanted the most in front of his face, given him the barest taste of what could be, only to put it out of reach again.

It would have been funny, even enjoyable, if it didn’t hurt so much.

“You didn’t have to do it, you know. It was just a joke.” He couldn’t look at Yuzuru as he let him go; he felt broken enough. “I’ve never expected you to-“

“Is not a joke for me.” Javier’s head shot back up at the colder tone. The other’s brow was furrowed deeply, but his eyes burned. “Javi, I want to do it.”

“But why?” He was confused, he was in pain, and everything was slipping through his fingers. Javier went back to pacing, hands gesturing wildly as he tried to make some sense of it all. “Why do this now? Whatever you think you’ve seen, I can’t handle pity from you. Anything but that.”

“Pity? I don’t understand-“

Yuzuru made an abortive motion towards the other, but Javier was having none of it. “Yes, pity! I know you don’t love me back and that’s fine, but there’s no need to come in and kiss me like-!“

“You love me?”

“Of course I love you, that’s not the point!” What was with the interruptions and obvious questions? Javier didn’t get why the other insisted on lingering on the evident. “You don’t have to do anything about it, that’s-!“

He didn’t see it coming the second time, either. Yuzuru simply walked into his path, grabbed him by the back of the neck and pushed their lips together.

It very effectively put a stop to Javier’s ranting.

His hands were left hanging awkwardly in the air and he didn’t know what to do with them, but then Yuzuru stepped even closer, moulding his body to Javier’s front, and they went automatically to the other’s waist. The pressure against his lips grew lighter when Yuzuru started moving his, gently trying to coax a response from Javier. The warmth pulled him in, the promise there too tempting, and Javier must have been going crazy because he let himself believe.

Feeling Yuzuru’s smile against his lips when he kissed back was enough to make his heart swell behind his ribs.

“I just blurted that out, didn’t I?”

Yuzuru’s laughter at his stunned tone tickled over his lips, they were still so close. “Yes.”

“You kissed me.” Javier shivered when the other’s fingers started carding through his hair. He knew he was grinning stupidly, but the amused twinkle in Yuzuru’s eyes spoke of a similar sentiment and he didn’t feel like trying to hide it anymore. “ _Again_.”

“Javi say silly stuff and don’t listen.” Yuzuru made a face, drawing closer until their lips were almost brushing. “Make you listen.”

“I’m listening now.”

Yuzuru let his eyelids droop for a moment, gaze fixed on Javier’s lips, before looking back up through his lashes. The playful tilt of his head was unmistakeable. “You kiss me this time?”

Closing his arms around the small of the other’s back, Javier did just that.

If he hadn’t been ready for a rejection, never mind something like this. The flutter of Yuzuru’s breath under his hands was familiar enough, as was the strength of lithe muscle as he pressed against Javier’s chest, but he had never thought he would get to taste him. The bow of the other’s mouth, so often pouty, was something Javier hadn’t let himself want, not even once it was clear what he wanted; it had been too heart-breaking to imagine, when he thought he would never get a chance.

It still was kind of heart-breaking now, in a good way, when Yuzuru parted his lips on a moan and let him deepen the kiss. The other was obviously eager, if timid and waiting for Javier’s cues on what to do, and when Yuzuru responded in kind and chased his tongue back into his mouth with his own, Javier could feel a current sparking all the way down to his fingertips.

He was so afraid of believing; his heart wouldn’t take it if it turned out to be another dream. But Yuzuru had never felt warmer or more solid, pressed close in the place he had chosen between Javier’s arms and playing with his lips, and he wanted to.

Javier wanted to believe.

He drew back enough to press their foreheads together, raising a hand to cup Yuzuru’s warm cheek as they tried to bring their breathing back to normal.

“Was that your first kiss?”

Yuzuru’s gaze was all mischief. “No.”

“I mean, it’s obviously not a problem, I don’t care about that. Just curious.”

“Third.” The cheeky smile was nice pressed against his. “Fourth.”

“I don’t think those really count,” Javier snorted.

“My choice, so they count.” Yuzuru wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, brushing their noses together. He was radiating so much contentment it felt like he was glowing, and it made something grow looser inside Javier’s chest. “Maybe Javi kiss me so much I don’t know English number?”

“I’m not letting you go until you forget the Japanese number, too.”

Yuzuru’s laughter tasted sweet.

 

* * *

 

They got on the bed when they grew tired of standing as they traded kisses, which ended with them both lazing in their increasingly wrinkled suits. Yuzuru’s undone tie was still somehow hanging from his neck, and Javier kept absently playing with its ends as he rested his head on the other’s shoulder. He was half asleep already, what with Yuzuru carding fingers through his hair, and his chest felt lighter than it had in a very long while.

“Ne, Javi.”

“Hmm?”

“Love you, too.” Javier’s heart skipped a beat. That meant- “I want to say in Barcelona, but too scared. Scared here too, but Misha call me stupid. We both stupid, he say.”

“Well, he’s not wrong.” Javier threw an arm over Yuzuru’s middle, tugging himself closer. “It’s a good thing you’re braver than me.”

The other dropped a kiss on the Spaniard’s hair, rubbing his cheek over the curls as he hummed contentedly in the back of his throat. “I okay with that.”

Minutes stretched in the dim light of the reading lamps. Javier drifted in the cosy cocoon they had created around themselves, comfortable and safe as he drew patterns on Yuzuru’s chest, startling only when the sound of merry voices and steps started wafting in from the hallway.

“Party must be over.”

Yuzuru turned his head to glance at the clock on the bedside table. “Yes. Is late.”

“Are you staying?” Javier didn’t even bother to disguise the hope in his voice or his eyes when he looked at the other. “I can lend you something to sleep in.”

Yuzuru’s cheeks quickly turned red, but he seemed pleased. “I like that.”

The flush was still there when he mumbled a couple of excuses and left for the bathroom to change, but Javier didn’t mind. Yuzuru could set whatever boundaries he wanted.

His hand drifted to his chest as he laid waiting between the sheets, rubbing over his breastbone. The pressure had lifted somewhat and he could breathe easier, as if the hold of the plant on his lungs was weakening. Javier almost didn’t remember how it was to go to bed without coughing up petals first, exhausted and dreading any remnants that would wake him up in the night; for the first time in forever, there was no itching in his throat.

He thought about the implications of what had happened, how the future he believed to be set in stone had shifted after Yuzuru took the plunge and showed his hand. Javier may had found the only good way out of his situation against all odds, but if they were going to do this, he had to stop hiding.

Secrets were never good bed companions, and his was too big to ignore.

The dip in the mattress alerted him to Yuzuru’s presence. Javier went to turn over to face him, but the other pressed close against his back and threw an arm securely around his waist, lacing their fingers together over Javier’s middle and nuzzling his face between his shoulder blades. They’d never slept wrapped around the other like this, but as Javier felt Yuzuru’s smile against his skin, he could see himself quickly growing used to it.

“Yuzu?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t just disappear in the morning, okay? I have to tell you something.”

“Something bad?”

_Not anymore, I guess._

“I don’t think so.”

“Then sleep.”

Only a day had passed, and yet everything had changed.

Javier had hope for the future again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ANGELIC CHOIRS SINGING IN THE BACKGROUND*
> 
> So... that happened. _Finally_. Took them long enough ~~50k for something that I initially planned as a oneshot and they just kissed, hahaha, kill me~~
> 
> I've sat on this chapter for a while because I know how long this resolution has been coming, and I wanted to do the story up until this point justice. You guys tell me how I did *crosses fingers*
> 
> Next time: reality catches up to everyone.


	19. Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier's iris reaches its intended recipient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I am so sorry.

 

 

As it turned out, a hanahaki flower didn’t just evaporate when it fulfilled its function. Whether the afflicted died or their love got returned, it took time. Javier knew this; the more esoteric sources didn’t seem that interested in talking about what happened _after_ love was returned aside from the ‘happily ever after’, but the medical journals had been quite descriptive.

And yet, he had forgotten. Too comfortable resting in Yuzuru’s hold, a spark of hope and happiness growing steadily in his heart, he hadn’t spared a thought towards it.

Everything was still when he woke up, colour desaturated in the way of too early morning where most people were asleep and the world seemed frozen in time, waiting for activity to restart and continue turning. Yuzuru’s breath tickled on the back of Javier’s neck and his hold had grown slack with sleep, but the weight of his arm over the Spaniard’s waist was soothing proof of what had happened the day before.

Yuzuru wasn’t going to up and leave this time; Javier wouldn’t find himself alone and longing come morning.

He lay there, wondering what had woken him up so soon from his very comfortable sleep, when he felt it: the familiar, irritating tickling at the back of his throat. Pulling away from Yuzuru, Javier coughed as lowly as he could to try and dislodge the petal, but it wasn’t happening: it was coming up whether he wanted it to or not.

The sudden cold on his skin didn’t even register with Javier when he threw the covers off and sat on the edge of the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees as the coughing grew harsher. The touch of the one petal on the back of his tongue was almost enough to send him gagging and he had to reach inside with his fingers to peel it from the roof of his mouth, but it ultimately didn’t stop the convulsions. There were more on the way.

Ignoring the rustle of fabric and small questioning whine at his back, his body already spiralling down into a state of instinctual panic, Javier quickly stood up and made for the bathroom. The next petal came up tasting metallic, a mixture of blood and saliva dripping after it from his lips into the sink, and Javier knew it was going to be a bad one if he was already bleeding.

Detachedly, Javier noted that at least it didn’t feel like his lungs were being squeezed under barbed wire anymore, as per usual, but like something was being forcibly ripped apart and tearing violently in the process. Different, if still terribly painful.

Funny how he was choosing to take that change as a good sign.

“You okay?”

Yuzuru’s tentative voice from the open door made Javier almost jump out of his skin. His partner seemed half-asleep still, brows furrowed with worry as he rubbed at his face. Everything changed when his sluggish brain caught up with the morbid scene in front of him: Yuzuru’s expression contorted in an instant, eyes widening with sudden fear.

“…Javi!? Oh my god, you bleeding-!”

Javier tried to speak in vain, only able to produce a choked, wet noise before he was back to doubling over the sink, retching violently as another handful of petals fell from his lips. There was the sound of bare feet hurrying on tiles before Yuzuru was at his side, almost vibrating in place and rubbing over Javier’s shivering back hesitatingly, as if he was afraid of making everything worse.

“What can I do? Javi-“ Yuzuru’s voice stuttered on the name, desperation covering every syllable as he tried to make himself heard over Javier’s harsh coughing. “Please, tell me- I call Brian-“

“No! Just-“ Javier grabbed Yuzuru’s wrist to keep him from running away and calling for help, shaking his head resolutely as he fought for his next breath; there was nothing Brian, or anyone else for that matter, could do for him right now. “No.”

“You scare me! I don’t know what to do, please-“ Yuzuru kept looking between Javier’s bloodied lips and the mess dripping down the sink bowl and slowly covering the light porcelain with the colour of coagulating blood, his face increasingly twisted in panic. “Javi, please!”

Javier took Yuzuru’s hand and laid it palm down on his chest, right over his pounding heart. His voice was gone and his air too precious to waste on attempting to explain, no matter how much he wanted to soothe his partner’s obvious fear and confusion. Yuzuru was usually so strong that seeing him so terrified, helplessly begging for guidance, only added to the physical hurt of Javier’s ripping insides.

“S-sorry…” he managed to choke out raggedly, squeezing Yuzuru’s hand with his clammy one in a doomed attempt at easing his partner’s worries. “I’m sorry-“

It only made Yuzuru finally break down and start crying. Javier wished he could do something more to comfort him, to assuage the very real terror in his eyes, but instinct took over and his body no longer answered to his conscious mind.

Javier couldn’t have said how long he spent clawing at the edge of the sink, his vision slowly dimming in a sea of red. All sense of time drifted away, lost to him as the petals kept coming.

His sense of space would have been lost, too, if it weren’t for Yuzuru providing a solid anchor, holding him from behind as he coughed, forehead pressed between Javier’s erratically jolting shoulder blades. There was a murmur of soft Japanese in the air, a constant prayer in between the louder sobbing, that kept Javier present with every mention of his name he could recognize, and Yuzuru’s breaths felt like a panicked hiss over the sweat-dampened skin of his back.

It was heart-wrenching to see Yuzuru so deeply upset, so powerless as he held onto Javier with clenched fingers like he was going to disappear at any moment. The knowledge that the person he loved was hurting and there was nothing he could do to stop it made everything even more painful for Javier, and every time he thought it was over another muscle spasm would rock him to the core and start it all over again.

Consciously, he knew it was probably the start of the purge; just his body doing its best to get rid of the flower as soon as it started letting go of its hold on Javier’s insides. What he had never thought was that it would be even worse than the fits when the flower was still thriving, though.

Javier should have expected that nothing about the noble iris he’d nurtured and carried close to his heart for so long would come easy.

Yuzuru went with him when Javier’s legs eventually gave out the effort of holding him up and he crumpled to the floor. The cold from the tiles quickly seeped through the thin layer of his pyjama bottoms, taking away the little heat that remained on his clammy skin.

Javier just wanted to rest. He was so tired, drained as if there was nothing but a shadow left of him to stand against the unfriendly face of reality. Unconsciousness looked very tempting from where he was, a battered pile of limbs and bleeding insides, barely keeping it together on the floor of a hotel bathroom far away from every home he’d ever known. If he closed his eyes for a moment it would be okay, right? Just for a little while, he must have deserved at least that…

There were warm hands on Javier’s face, pushing his hair back and petting over his cheeks.

Pulling him back from the edge.

“Javi! Stay with me, yes?”

_Ah. Yuzuru._

But why did Yuzuru sound so anguished? Yuzuru had been so happy last night, Javier remembered. He had kissed Javier, and when Javier told him he loved him Yuzuru had kissed him again. It had made Javier so happy; he wanted that feeling again.

Yuzuru’s lips hadn’t tasted salty or metallic last night, but he didn’t care. Getting kissed by him was still like a dream.

“Please, please.” Yuzuru was begging in between little pecks, despairingly. Javier tried to kiss back because he didn’t want Yuzuru to worry and be sad, but his body wasn’t really up for cooperating. “Please don’t die. Please stay, I help, I do anything. Don’t die…”

Yuzuru thought he was dying? No, that wasn’t good; he had to tell him, there was no need to worry. Javier’s head lolled heavily as he tried to shake off the fog: he needed to be present for this and explain.

Yuzuru’s tear-streaked face came into focus after Javier batted his eyelids sluggishly a couple of times. He looked wrecked enough to register even through the Spaniard’s oxygen-deprived light-headedness.

There was blood smudged over Yuzuru’s lips, Javier’s blood; the shock finally made him snap out of it.

“Yuzu, no-“ Javier started, but talking so soon after a fit hurt as if his throat were full of broken glass and he choked on the words, his chest convulsing with new spasms. Yuzuru hiccupped a sob; his trembling fingers kept smoothing Javier’s hair back behind his ears, and the Spaniard wasn’t sure who his partner was trying to comfort more with the gesture. “It’s okay, I’m not dying.”

“But you bleeding inside! I call Brian, mom, someone!” Yuzuru’s forehead felt burning hot pressed against Javier’s temple, but his breath was getting too shallow and rushed. Concern rapidly growing, Javier realized his partner was well on the way to hyperventilating from panic. “Need help, I don’t know what to do, Javi-“

“Hey, no. Look at me.” Javier scrambled to put his hands on Yuzuru’s cheeks, calling up on still leaden limbs while doing his best to sound calm. “I’m here, I promise. It’s okay.”

Yuzuru was too far gone already into the bloody scenarios in his head, though; Javier could see it in the whites of his eyes, wide with mounting dread and honest fear. His grip on the Spaniard’s shirt had gone from shaky to white-knuckled. “So much blood, I can’t-“

It was all gone wrong. Javier had never wanted Yuzuru to find out about his condition in such a traumatic way.

“Hey, just breathe. Okay, _cariño_?” Javier moved his hands to lightly cover Yuzuru’s ears, touching their foreheads together again. He put all of his remaining energy into speaking clearly, knowing Yuzuru would be reading his lips too. The aches in his body when he kneeled in front of his partner he ignored; Javier had lived long enough with them to know they would still be there later, when he got the time to deal with them. Keeping Yuzuru from spiralling down into an asthma attack when his inhaler was not in reach was more important. “I swear I’m going to be fine, I can explain, but I need you to breathe.”

“Javi-!” Yuzuru grabbed onto his arms with clawed fingers, holding on for dear life as he gasped noisily for breath.

“Just breathe with me, yes? Easy. Come on, _cariño_.”

The deep, maintained flow of air was painful for Javier, his chest too bruised on the inside to expand comfortably around the exaggerated breaths, but he pulled through for Yuzuru. Yuzuru, whose eyes were fixed on Javier’s lips, following every inhale and exhale as well as he could, until the wheezing started to diminish and the terrified look faded somewhat from his features.

Javier let his eyes close and his shoulders sag in relief. It wasn’t the first time he witnessed Yuzuru on the brink of an attack, but it never got easier.

“There you go,” he murmured, brushing Yuzuru’s damp hair away from his face. “I’m so sorry, this is my fault.”

The other just shook his head tiredly, without breaking the contact. His eyelashes were wet when he met Javier’s gaze, both from the physical strain and the emotional whirlpool still raging behind. “Don’t care. Just please, please tell me.”

There was no longer any point in bending the truth, or waiting.

It was time.

“Okay.” Stretching up to reach the sink, Javier groped around blindly until his fingers felt something solid amongst the dripping mess. The petal didn’t look like much when he glanced at it, crumpled on itself and wet with blood, but it was recognizable enough. He took Yuzuru’s hand. “I’m not just bleeding randomly; it’s all because of this.”

Yuzuru flinched when Javier dropped the battered petal on his palm, but lowered his gaze to examine it. He picked at it carefully with his fingers, unfolding it until the true shape was revealed. He said nothing at first, brow furrowed in concentration as his brain processed all the input around, then went unnaturally still. Javier knew he understood, but couldn’t read him with his gaze hidden away beneath his hair.

When he finally spoke, Yuzuru’s voice sounded tight with reined-in emotion. “ _Hanahaki_?”

Javier couldn’t know what kind of scenarios where running through the other’s head right then, but he could make sure there were no further misunderstandings. Taking a deep, painful breath, he laid his biggest truth and most terrible gift out in the open for the person who had always been the intended recipient.

“It’s for you; it’s always been for you.” Yuzuru’s gaze burned when he raised it from the incriminating petal to Javier. The Spaniard shrugged self-deprecatingly, all to mask the raw, vulnerable feeling that arose within him at saying it out loud. “Like every other before it and any that may come after.”

Yuzuru’s brows slanted in pain and his bottom lip was quivering, but he quickly wrangled himself under control. He spoke slowly, measuring each word in a very telling manner that had Javier thinking the other was trying his hardest to simplify from Japanese into English. “You say you don’t die, but this… this kill you from inside.”

“It’s been trying to, I will say that much.” The lighter tone was a mistake: Yuzuru’s face fell in an instant, shoulders shuddering as a sob broke through the tight seal of his mouth. Javier scrambled to set things straight. “But it’s fine, now! There’s less pressure already, I can feel it. It will only get better from now on.”

Yuzuru didn’t seem that reassured.

“When it start?” Yuzuru’s throat bobbed. Even though his partner took a calming breath to even out his voice, Javier could see the minefield awaiting his response.

There was no good answer to that one, he could already tell.

“Summer?” He winced when Yuzuru’s eyes fell shut, hurt written all over his face. “Maybe before, I’m not sure. But summer was when I noticed.”

“So long? Why you don’t have surgery to take it out?”

Javier reared back. It wasn’t a new question: every other person who knew about his condition, doctors included, had asked it before. He’d never hesitated in his answer, always convinced he had more time, that it wasn’t such a pressing matter that he had to decide just yet. This time, though, it sounded different; Yuzuru probably didn’t mean it to, but it made Javier’s heart clench painfully all the same. It felt too much like a rejection.

“You’d rather I had it, is that what you’re saying?” Yuzuru’s sombre gaze when he opened his eyes was answer enough. Javier stood up abruptly, hip slamming against the counter as his legs protested the sudden movement and threatened not to hold him up. “Yuzu, I probably wouldn’t know you anymore if I had! I wouldn’t know myself, even! Is that what you want!?”

“Of course I don’t want!” Yuzuru got up too, eyes blazing. He reached for Javier anyway to steady him, but when the Spaniard refused the help and took a shaky step back he froze in place, hand hovering awkwardly in the space between. Sorrow carved deep lines on his face. “That Javi love me is precious!”

“Then what!? Why would you even say that?”

“Because that Javi live is more important!” Yuzuru cried. The mixture of anger and despair made his voice break, and he didn’t bother to swallow his tears anymore. “How is good if you love me but you die!? Is better that you live and don’t know me because at least Javi is alive!”

“But I can live and love you! It’s all fine!”

“You don’t know that before! Javi, you don’t know that before.”

Outright sobbing now, Yuzuru initially shook his head when Javier opened his arms for him, trying to hold onto the angry feeling still pumping in his veins, but the need for comfort eventually won and he ended up falling into the embrace anyway, clutching at the other’s back as he cried on his shoulder. Javier could barely hold back his own tears as he held Yuzuru’s trembling body against his, the humbling, sobering proof of the pain he had inadvertently caused.

The small, wet-sounding voice brushing over his collarbone was what broke him, in the end.

“What you think I feel if you die because of me?”

Javier had never thought about it in those terms.

He had thought about what would happen after the operation, both lamented and mourned the hurt his oblivious self would inflict on his unknowing friend when things just changed for apparently no reason. But Javier had never seriously thought he would actually die, and thus had not given it any consideration.

Of course it was the first thing Yuzuru thought about, though. He was so used to carrying the weight of the world on his slim shoulders, he would take responsibility for Javier’s pain and live with that burden forever.

Javier’s intent had always been to spare Yuzuru from the worry and hurt he lived with every day, but in doing so he had been careless and unintentionally cruel; that would be his own burden to bear.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Please, forgive me.”

Yuzuru’s hold only got tighter as Javier cried against his neck.

 

* * *

 

Both their tears ran out, eventually.

They’d gone back into the room to huddle close together on the bed, clutching at each other for comfort and warmth as their grief flowed and ebbed between them. Yuzuru hadn’t moved since the moment they laid down facing each other and he touched his forehead to Javier’s breastbone. He had finally stopped counting Javier’s breaths when the Spaniard started rubbing a thumb over the corner of his eyebrow, but he wouldn’t give up the touch entirely.

Javier could understand; he didn’t feel ready to let go either. Even so, the flaking blood on the corner of Yuzuru’s lips was unsettling, and Javier would bet he looked even worse.

“Yuzu. We should clean up.”

The other protested the idea of moving weakly, but followed Javier to the bathroom when the Spaniard left the bed. There was still a pinched look to Yuzuru’s eyes as he watched the mess of blood and petals wash down the drain, something between morbid fascination and fear. He remained unresponsive until Javier wet a towel under the tap and held his face to clean off the blood, then melted into the contact to a point where Javier felt like Yuzuru would fall down if he let go.

It was a good thing he had no intention of letting go.

“Javi,” Yuzuru started gently when it was done, taking the towel from the other’s hand and wetting it again before returning the gesture, wiping softly over Javier’s lips. “What you call me before, when I can’t breathe?”

Javier had to think for a minute, because Yuzuru’s tender touch was distracting and he just wanted to drown into the feeling of being taken care of after so long fighting on his own. “ _Cariño_?”

“Yes. What mean?”

There was a glint in Yuzuru’s eyes that told Javier his partner had made an educated guess, but nonetheless wanted to hear it out loud. Javier didn’t care that smiling pulled uncomfortably at his cracked lips. “It’s a Spanish term of endearment, something to call a loved one. Like ‘love’ or ‘sweetheart’.”

“Oh.”

“I wasn’t thinking and it just came out, but I won’t use it again if you don’t like it.”

“No, I… I really like it. Sound nice when you speak.” Yuzuru’s hand fell, towel hanging from his loose fist as he rested it on Javier’s chest. His cheeks were tinted red, but he was smiling shyly. “Say again?”

Javier leaned in closer. “As many times as you want, _cariño_.”

The soft puff of Yuzuru’s contented sigh tickled over his lips as they met in a gentle kiss. The metallic taste was gone; Javier hoped for the day it became nothing more than a memory.

Once they parted, Javier automatically took the towel from Yuzuru to rinse it under the tap. The water ran tinged with red as he squeezed the fabric, but it didn’t look as gruesome as what had come before. Yuzuru hugged him around the middle from behind again, laying his cheek on Javier’s back.

“You go back to Spain?”

“Yes. I still have a medical appointment waiting.” Yuzuru’s hold tightened. It put pressure on Javier’s bruised chest, but he only reacted by covering his partner’s hand with his own, their fingers threading together. “I’m sure everything will be fine, now. No need for surgery prep anymore.”

“I go with you. I don’t leave you alone with this.”

“I won’t be, Laura’s coming with me,” Javier tried, even though he was very familiar with the stubbornness dripping from the other’s tone. For better or worse, Yuzuru could easily turn himself into an immovable object when he decided on something. “You can’t just change your plane ticket all of a sudden, and I’m sure you’ve got stuff waiting back in Japan-“

“Don’t care. I get home and then take next plane to Spain if I have to.”

Javier turned around, dislodging his partner’s hold. Undeterred, Yuzuru kept him caged against the sink, leaning his hands on the counter and bracketing Javier’s body between his arms. Yuzuru’s eyes were narrowed with determination, and Javier knew he was fighting a losing battle.

“What are you going to tell your mom?”

“The truth: that person I love is very sick and I worry. She understand. She help.”

“Yuzu-“

“You can’t stop me, I free to go.” His features softened as he raised a hand to Javier’s face, light fingertips feathering over his jaw. Yuzuru’s gaze was solemn when he looked up. “Is my choice, Javi.”

There was no point in arguing with that, he knew. Javier had made his choices; Yuzuru was entitled to his own.

Javier’s shoulders sagged forward when he accepted the offered support and comfort, turning his face into the touch to seek the pads of Yuzuru’s fingers with his lips, eyes falling closed in unspoken trust.

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru was the first to leave Shanghai, after much rebelling against airlines, bureaucracy and the simple impossibility of getting himself onto Javier’s later flight. It was initially jarring for Javier to have Yumi there when they said their goodbyes and Yuzuru went ahead and pecked him on the lips, but the woman had the same look of pleasant fondness she had always had as she looked over them. The worry loomed deeper, where Javier had seen her push it the moment he had told her he would be alright.

“Wait for me, yes?” Yuzuru hitched his bag up his shoulder when he stepped away from their long hug. “I go as fast as they let me.”

Javier pitied the poor souls who had to say no in the face of the blazing determination in those eyes. “Don’t burn down any embassies on the way, okay?”

Yumi laughed softly as Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “I think about it.”

Much later, rubbing absently over his breastbone while he tried to find the least uncomfortable position to sleep in the plane, Javier chuckled to himself when he realized Yuzuru hadn’t exactly said he wouldn’t.

Typical.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said at the beginning, I am so sorry. Feel free to wail or throw proverbial potatoes at yours truly, I'll understand both reactions ;__;
> 
> Next time: Yuzuru vs reality. He wins half, he loses half.
> 
> (PS: Since I can only really be reached here on AO3 so far and it's not the prefferred medium to talk about head canons and stuff, would you guys be interested in picking my brain on CC? Because I could do that *shrugs*
> 
> EDIT: Here I am! [@Valkedictorian](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian) on CC. Come ask me random stuff :P)


	20. Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reality of hanahaki is confronting, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last (?) bout of pseudo-sciencing ahead! \o/

 

 

Yuzuru made his appearance in Madrid a mere three days after Javier’s own arrival. There was probably another world record there for his collection.

There was no sign of victory to be found on his face this time, though.

He looked harried and pale when Javier went to meet him at the airport, skin drawn tighter around his mouth and darker beneath his eyes. His gaze jumped anxiously until he found Javier standing there waiting, then proceeded to scan repeatedly over his figure as he crossed the spacious Arrivals towards his partner.

“Javi.” Yuzuru fell heavily into the Spaniard’s open arms, letting his carry-on bag fall to the floor as he returned the embrace, fingers tight on the fabric at the other’s waist. His breath felt too hurried on Javier’s shoulder, pressed close and relieved. “You here. You okay.”

“Of course I’m here, I told you I’d come get you.” As the moment stretched, Javier finally made himself step back, keeping his hand on Yuzuru’s nape briefly before dropping the contact: this wasn’t the best place for the kind of greeting they both wanted, for the exchange of comfort Yuzuru clearly needed. “Come on.”

The taxi ride back home felt much longer than it had been the other way around. The driver didn’t know who Javier was, but nonetheless tried to engage him in small talk as they weathered the sluggish morning traffic. Still, it was difficult to pay attention to the conversation when he could feel Yuzuru’s eyes on him periodically, pulled away from looking out the window by the need to check Javier over.  Javier wasn’t that surprised by the development, since Yuzuru had also been texting him more than usual while they had been apart, but he had been hoping against hope that the edge would fade with proximity.

As much as he’d been trying to assuage Yuzuru’s feelings of dread at something going terribly wrong suddenly, the human subconscious was a complicated beast. Javier wondered how long it would take until Yuzuru stopped feeling the need to not let him out of his sight for long.

The moment there was a closed door between them and the outside world, Yuzuru grabbed him around the waist and pulled him close, hiding his face in the crook of Javier’s neck.

“You really okay? The truth, please.”

“I am, kind of. Most of the day,” Javier sighed against the other’s hair, draping his arms around Yuzuru’s shoulders. “It sucks when a fit happens and the bathroom ends up looking like a horror movie set, but it is what it is.”

Yuzuru’s grip tightened reflexively. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, _cariño_.”

“Still sorry.” He stepped back a little, just enough to look Javier in the eye. His lips were bitten red and so, so close. “I kiss you now?”

Javier touched their noses together, smiling gently. “I don’t know, do you?”

Yuzuru’s gaze turned mischievous as he pressed their lips together in shallow and sweet pecks, his smile growing as he nipped at Javier’s bottom lip. “Like this?”

“Oh, I love the little kisses,” Javier hummed thoughtfully, playful now that most of that initial tension he’d felt at the airport had bled from Yuzuru’s form. “But is this all you’ve got?”

He wasn’t even trying to be subtle about his baiting, and he knew Yuzuru was aware of it; didn’t mean want and competitiveness weren’t going to get the better of him anyway. Yuzuru grinned and got closer still, sliding a hand up to cup the back of Javier’s neck.

“You want big kiss? I can do that.”

Javier should really start measuring his words before just issuing challenges like that, because as new as Yuzuru was apparently to this, he was eager and a fast learner. His tongue was both curious and enticing, licking inside Javier’s mouth and then retreating, tempting him to follow, yet only allowing Javier the barest taste of his mouth before going on the offensive again. The nipping was also there to stay, if Yuzuru’s repeated pulling at Javier’s bottom lip was any indication.

God, how long had he wanted this? Javier was a little ashamed to notice his legs were shaky and his heart was pounding wildly in his chest. So much for all his experience.

Someone pointedly cleared their throat behind them, making the two of them jump apart instantly.

“Sorry to interrupt something I’m _really happy_ to see, but I was getting tired of waiting for you lovebirds to realize I’m right here.” Standing with a hand on her cocked hip, Laura beamed at them from the other end of the hallway. “Hello, Yuzuru.”

“Hello, Laura.” Javier didn’t think he’d ever seen his partner’s cheeks as red as they were then; of course, it wasn’t every day that he got caught with his tongue halfway down someone else’s throat. “How are you?”

“Good, good.” She walked up to them to give their guest a brief hug. “Not as good as you, obviously, but still better than brother dearest over here.”

“Can we please keep the teasing to a minimum?” Laura’s grin only got impossibly bigger at Javier’s exasperated tone. “He really just got here, and I just got him to agree to date me, so I’d rather you don’t scare him away.”

“I won’t, don’t worry. He’s tougher than that. Right, Yuzuru?”

As light-hearted as the conversation was being, the reason they were there didn’t escape any of them. Laura’s gaze had gone pinched at the corners and there was a strain to her smile that Javier hadn’t noticed before. Yuzuru, on the other hand, seemed very aware of what Laura was truly asking; his face was dead serious when he replied.

“Yes. I stay with Javi.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Laura’s shoulders visibly sagged, but the smile, smaller as it was, reached her eyes again. She turned to her brother. “You’re both staying in your room, yes?”

“That was the plan. I mean, as long as Yuzu is okay with it.” He glanced searchingly at Yuzuru. It wouldn’t be the first time they slept together, but with the change in their relationship maybe he shouldn’t have assumed-

“Is okay with me.” The blush was back, though Yuzuru wasn’t hiding it anymore. Javier felt something akin to anticipation building like static charge on his skin.

“Good.” Laura eyed them both alternatively, biting a cheeky smile and trying not to say anything when Javier shot her a pointed look. Instead, she started walking back towards the living room, waving as she went. “I’ll let you get settled, then. Don’t have too much fun and forget we’re leaving in a couple hours!.”

Javier covered his face with his hand when she disappeared out of sight, leaving the echo of laughter in her wake. “Sometimes I ask myself why I love her.”

“She is family?”

“Yeah, that must be it. Come on.”

Yuzuru chuckled and grabbed his bag to follow.

 

* * *

 

Considering Yuzuru had been on a plane for a stupid amount of hours not long before, Javier had tried to offer him an out of accompanying him on his medical appointment. Yuzuru, who had been sleepily slumped between most of the pillows on the couch up to that moment, had fixed him with the kind of look that put the fear of god into men for even suggesting such a thing and said he was going, so that was that.

Doctor Herrera just raised a lone eyebrow at the bigger than expected audience before gesturing to the extra chair right next to the examining table.

“Thank you.” Laura muttered once she pulled it up to the desk beside Javier’s and took a seat. “Sorry about the hassle.”

“Not a problem. Nice to know our patient here has been reaching out for more support. Any support, for that matter.” The doctor then offered her hand to Yuzuru, switching to English. “I’m Josefa Herrera: I’ve been Javier’s coordinating doctor for the monitoring and treatment of his illness.”

“Yuzuru Hanyu,” he said, returning the handshake with a sharp nod.

“So,” the doctor huffed once the introductions were over, taking her seat behind the desk and putting on her red-rimmed glasses as she looked through a small pile of folders. “I’m guessing you’re the reason we ended up cancelling that surgery, right?”

Yuzuru’s shoulders tensed. “Yes.”

“Well, thank you for that.” She glanced at him over the rim of her glasses for a moment, then looked pointedly at Javier. “It’s always good news when we don’t have to open anybody’s chest, after all.”

Seeing Yuzuru’s eyes widen in alarm and immediately turn to check over Javier, Laura promptly redirected the conversation. “How is it looking, then?”

“As I told you the other day, lung capacity is still considerably down from where it should be, but at least blood pressure seems to be stabilizing. The light-headedness and fainting spells should be disappearing.”

“Yeah, I only get dizzy now when I’m purging. I still feel tired most of the time, though.”

“As you should be, considering what you’ve been putting your body through. You have your medal, now please slow down and rest,” Doctor Herrera reprimanded. When Javier only smiled regretfully in return, she rolled her eyes and went back to opening the big envelope in her hands. “I don’t even know why I bother, you elite athletes never listen to us.”

“We’ll make him listen. Right, Yuzu?”

Yuzuru nodded very seriously at Laura and Javier knew he was doomed to stay on the couch forever. “Yes.”

“Introducing you two was a mistake. Now you’re conspiring against me?”

“We have only your best interests in mind, little brother.”

“Okay, banter time’s over,” the doctor interrupted. In the immediate silence, she dropped her glasses over her white lab coat and looked seriously at Javier. “I have your latest scans here for review. I assume you don’t want to see them?”

Javier had never looked at them, not in Madrid and not in Toronto; he didn’t need any more nightmare fuel, the images conjured by his mind’s eye were macabre enough without seeing the actual thing.

He shook his head.

“I want to see.” All eyes turned to Yuzuru, who until that moment hadn’t spoken unprompted since they got in. He didn’t seem deterred by the attention, grave and determined as the doctor studied him in silence, measuring his grit. It wasn’t a foreign doctor’s permission that he needed, though: he looked to Javier. “Let me, please?”

Javier wouldn’t do Yuzuru the disservice of asking if he was sure; his partner wouldn’t have said anything if he wasn’t ready to see it through to the end.

After a moment of silent contemplation and mutual understanding, Javier turned back to Doctor Herrera. “Go ahead, it’s fine.”

She didn’t linger after that. “Okay. Come here.” She made room in front of the computer screen for him, pulling one of the images up when Yuzuru left his seat and walked around to her side of the desk. Yuzuru’s shoulders tensed instantly. “First view: frontal. The bones you can clearly see; the fainter, cloudy areas are soft tissue. These are the lungs, the heart is here,” she pointed out. “Everything else is the flower.”

Javier could hear Yuzuru’s big, controlled breaths as he scanned over the image. He must not have looked that good himself, because Laura reached for his hand and held it between hers in a silent show of support.

Doctor Herrera sounded uncharacteristically soft when she spoke to Yuzuru again. “Do you want me to continue?”

It took him a moment, but he nodded. “Yes.”

She changed the image. “This is a zoom-in on the left side. Once again: heart, lung, ribs.” The doctor took a breath, checking with Yuzuru before pointing out the obvious. “You can see here how the thinnest roots were starting to wrap around the heart: that’s the start of terminal phase. Most non-medical literature will focus on asphyxiation as the ultimate cause of death, be it by choking on organic debris or by diminished lung capacity and damage, but the real culprit in most known cases is this right here. The vines and roots will wrap around the heart tighter and tighter, hindering its rhythm until arrhythmia starts to appear and, finally, cardiac arrest and death follow.”

Laura clearing her throat echoed in the uncomfortable, charged silence that followed that statement. “So the patient dies from a heart attack, and not from lack of air.”

“Yes. Still tragic, don’t know why the classics didn’t consider it bad enough that they had to turn to asphyxiation.”

“But then-“ The white was showing all around Yuzuru’s eyes as he glanced at Javier, dawning horror written on his pale face. “Javi, he-“

“Let’s just say that Javier here is _very_ lucky he found you when he did,” Doctor Herrera shot reproachingly at her patient. “Surgery always gets exponentially more complicated when the heart gets involved, as well as follow-up treatment and recovery time. But yes, he should be alright in time.” She drew Yuzuru’s attention back to her, touching her finger to a point in the screen. “See this here? That’s micro-scarring: tissue is already healing where the plant was attached. Same here on the ribs: see the indentations? The plant’s been taking out tiny shards as it anchored, which is why they feel painful and bruised. That should be much better in a couple of weeks, as long as he stays put.”

“He will,” Laura stated firmly.

“Otherwise, it looks good for where he’s at. You’re still going to be purging for a while, but the volume of debris should go down steadily.” The doctor clicked the image shut and laid a hand briefly on Yuzuru’s shoulder before sending him back to his chair. She smiled tiredly at Javier. “I’m happy to say that the worst is probably behind you.”

Yuzuru looked dazed when he sat ramrod straight next to Javier, somewhat disconnected from the world around him. He jumped when the Spaniard reached for his hand, but squeezed back desperately after the initial shock of the unexpected contact. Javier didn’t complain even when his knuckles started going a bit numb from the pressure.

On his other side, Laura sighed in relief. “God, that’s good to hear. This has been terrible, what with Javi being away and still skating, and our parents not knowing…” She turned away, wiping discreetly at the corner of her eye and trying to hide a sniffle as she pushed her long hair back behind her ear. “Oh my god, I hate this.”

Javier could feel Yuzuru’s hand start to shake in his, bottom lip quivering in the wake of Laura’s pained voice, and tried to steer the conversation in a more hopeful direction. “I’m good to drop the medication, then?”

“Yes, I’ll take whatever you have left. Not like it was doing much good for you at this point.” Doctor Herrera took the offered box of remaining pills and put it aside in a drawer. Politely ignoring the other two people in the room’s grief to give them time to pull themselves together, she rolled closer to the computer and put her glasses back on. “We’ll keep monitoring your vitals and lung capacity, but the next scans can wait a while. Just please, do the sane thing this time and _rest_ , and call me if anything feels out of the ordinary.”

“More out of the ordinary than spewing petals all over the place?”

The doctor stopped typing to slide her glasses down to the top of her nose and glared at him, deadpan. “I don’t think anyone else finds those jokes funny.”

“We really don’t.”

“No.”

“Okay, okay! No dark humour allowed. I get it.”

“See that you do.”

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru held together admirably until the three of them got back home, but once Laura excused herself and left them alone in Javier’s room, the tears started falling.

Nothing he said seemed to help, so Javier let him cry it all out and hugged him close to his chest, hurting with him if that was the only thing he was allowed. After a while though, Yuzuru found his voice again.

“You almost die! You almost die and I don’t even know.”

“I will be fine, the doctor said so. Believe her, if you don’t believe me.”

“Is not fine, what I see.” His eyes were scrunched up in pain, but the images were imprinted in his brain and would not disappear that easily. “Javi broken inside and is my fault.”

“Hey, no.” Javier brought Yuzuru’s face up between his palms. His skin was blotchy, hot to the touch as Javier rubbed off the tear-tracks with his thumbs. “We’ve talked about this: it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

“But I-“

“No. If anything, I’m getting better because of you.”

“Don’t need to get better if it don’t get this bad,” Yuzuru sniffled, prying himself away from the other’s hold. “If I tell you about my feelings before, this don’t happen. But I weak and coward.”

“You did take the first step, remember? And you couldn’t have known.” Javier pulled him back in again, touching their foreheads together. “Me though, I knew what was happening and still was too afraid of rejection to risk it. That makes me the coward, not you.”

Yuzuru’s fingertips felt cold and clammy against Javier’s cheeks, blindly looking for the reassurance his conscious mind was having trouble finding in his partner’s words. “But Javi is dying-“

“I _was_ dying, you didn’t know, we’re both idiots. Let’s leave it at that, okay?” Javier leaned in and kissed him, a soft, reassuring press over the bow of Yuzuru’s lips. The other sniffled, but in the end nodded his agreement. “We’re here, and we’re together: that is something to celebrate, don’t you think?”

Yuzuru melted into the contact, sighing against Javier’s lips. “I worry so much I forget the good things, sometimes.”

“I’ll just have to remind you, then.”

“I okay with that.”

It wasn’t only Javier’s body that needed time to heal, but they weren’t in a rush.

For once, it was actually true: they had time.

Javier smiled gently as he kissed Yuzuru again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The good doctor spilled the beans on Javi's very narrow miss, in the end. That was too close for comfort, dude ¬¬
> 
> Next time: the rest of the Fernández household gets involved.
> 
> (PS: A reminder that I'm now on twitter [@Valkedictorian](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian) and on [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian), if you ever want to hit me up there)


	21. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting family affairs in order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, _italics_ in conversation mean Spanish. Enjoy! \o/

 

 

The cats were the first to take notice when the rest of the house’s occupants finally arrived. Effie only raised her head lazily from her position curled on Yuzuru’s lap on the couch, but Roni scrambled off Javier’s and trotted off towards the entrance right before keys started turning in the door’s lock, meowing loudly all the while.

Javier was still complaining about the fresh scratches on his thighs when Enriqueta’s voice came in from the hallway.

“ _Hello, Roni. Can you please not walk right in front of me while I’m carrying all these bags?_ ”

The cat just meowed louder at the familiar, affectionate tone, purring like an engine as he rubbed his head on her calves.

“ _Of course he can’t: it’s what cats do_ ,” Antonio chuckled right behind her. “ _Just give me the fish bag and he’ll come with me to the kitchen_.”

“ _Here, just take everything; I’m going to see what the kids are up to. Javi!_ ”

“ _In the living room, mom!_ ” Javier answered. He turned to Yuzuru as footsteps approached, looking for any signs of trepidation at the upcoming encounter. “Are you ready?”

“I like your mom,” Yuzuru shrugged. “Moms no problem.”

“Remember that when she squishes you.”

Yuzuru didn’t get to reply because Enriqueta’s delighted face appeared in the entrance to the room, opening her arms wide as she walked towards the two young men on the couch. “Yuzuru, dear! So good to see you!” She quickly gestured for him to stay down when he went to rise to greet her, instead bending to kiss him on both cheeks and absently petting over Effie’s head as she let him go. “How are you?”

“All good.” Yuzuru bowed his head politely. “Thank you for let me stay.”

“Of course! We’re happy to have you, right?” She offered her cheek when Laura came into the room and put a kiss there. “Hello, dear.”

“Hi, mom.”

“ _Go stop your father from spoiling the cat and get him out of the kitchen. There will be time enough for dinner once greetings are done.”_

 

* * *

 

Javier couldn’t help but be part amazed and part thankful at how quickly his family drew their guest in. It was far from their first meeting or even their first joint meal, since both Yumi and Enriqueta had insisted on dining all together on the very few times everyone happened to be in Toronto at the same time, but still. It was a challenge, considering the language barrier and the reality of different people who didn’t spend all that much time together finding their footing, but everyone did their best and it somehow worked.

Javier looked up and down the dinner table, taking in the sincere, happy smiles and joyous atmosphere and smiled himself. He reached for Yuzuru’s hand underneath the table, a point of solid warmth just between them. His partner glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, tiredness and worry still written in the paleness of his face but with a clear gaze; he squeezed back.

Javier could ask no more than this.

 

* * *

 

“You have to tell them, Javi,” Yuzuru said softly against the bare skin of his back. “Sure they want to know.”

Javier closed his eyes against the grey light of morning creeping through the bathroom window’s frosted glass, head hanging from his shoulders as he fought to get his breath back. The latest fit had been really inconvenient, what with it starting almost before his parents left home for work. Swallowing the taste of blood back until they heard the front door shut, desperately trying to keep the coughing down as his eyes teared up, hadn’t been the most pleasant.

At least it hadn’t gone on as long; it _was_ receding.

“You can’t hide this forever.”

“Don’t need forever,” Javier managed before clearing his throat and spitting out the mangled remnants of a small, wilted petal. “Only until it’s gone.”

Yuzuru tightened his hold around his waist, burying his face between Javier’s shoulder blades in the gesture that had quickly become familiar since he came to Madrid and started spending every one of Javier’s fits with him. It was still comforting, even if Yuzuru had decided to start shedding light on things Javier didn’t want to consider; things he would much rather keep hidden in a distant, overlooked corner of his mind.

“Even if painful, they have to know,” his partner insisted. “They Javi’s parents: they give you life and love you always. They deserve to know.”

Javier broke the ensuing silence by turning on the tap, clearing the sink and reaching for a towel to clean up. Yuzuru waited patiently until he was done, rubbing his cheek over Javier’s back to offer his silent support as the other mulled over his options.

Finally, Javier let go of everything and stood still. He didn’t really see himself when he looked up into the mirror, but his mother’s concerned face when she asked if his respiratory infection was lingering, if he needed an extra blanket for his bed or wanted some hot, herbal infusion to soothe his throat.

He thought about Yuzuru’s lingering guilt and fear, how it hollowed his eyes and chased him at night when sleep proved hard to come by.

Javier had done enough damage already by omitting the truth.

“It’s not going to be pretty.”

“I know.” Yuzuru tugged him around to kiss him lightly on the lips, the touch of his fingers through Javier’s hair keeping them close. “But I there with you.”

Javier buried his face in the warm place where Yuzuru’s neck met his shoulder and let himself hide away from the world, if only for a little while longer.

 

* * *

 

Javier was wary of the knowing glint in his parents’ eyes when they all sat down together. He glanced at Laura out of the corner of his eye, but she was as tense as him and there was no light-hearted teasing to be found. She shook her head minutely when she caught his gaze: she hadn’t told them anything.

Nervous, he pressed closer to Yuzuru, who was sitting ramrod-straight and unmoving by his side. His partner’s fingers were cold when Javier reached for his hand, but he did squeeze back and relax a bit at the contact.

They were in this together.

“ _So,_ ” Javier started neutrally. Yuzuru glanced at him and nodded encouragingly when their gazes met. “ _I have something to tell you_.”

“ _We know, dear_.” Both his parents’ eyes were drawn to their joined hands when Javier turned to them again. Enriqueta smiled and continued before he could say anything. “ _We assumed the moment you told us Yuzuru was coming.”_

“ _What?_ ”

Yuzuru looked at Javier for clarification at the use of his name, but his partner had no answer. He had been so focused on the bad news he was carrying that the sudden non-sequitur left him looking stupidly at his mother.

“ _Really, Javi_ ,” his dad chuckled at his face. “ _You’re not subtle. We knew._ ”

_“That’s not-“_

_“We’re just happy you’re together at last!”_

Laura was sighing exasperatedly into her hand on the one side, Yuzuru appeared increasingly disoriented by the joyful faces in front of them on the other, and Javier didn’t know what to do with himself.

His timing was worse than expected.

“ _That’s… Okay, I don’t know how you came to that conclusion, but it’s true,_ ” Javier conceded with a pained expression, hurrying to continue when Enriqueta made a gleeful sound. _“Not really the point of this, though.”_

Antonio’s grin fell swiftly when he saw his children’s faces were still drawn tight with tension. His gaze was serious when he looked Javier in the eye. “ _Well, none of you can be pregnant, so what is it?”_

The joke falling flat was what finally brought down the happy mood for good. Enriqueta leaned forward, putting a hand on Javier’s knee as she searched his face. “ _You’re not injured, right? You skated fine at Worlds and have been doing okay over here…”_

 _“I’m not injured and I will be okay, I want you to remember that.”_ Javier laid his free hand over hers, before taking one last look at Yuzuru for courage. He breathed deep: it still hurt, if less than before. _“I have the flower disease.”_

Antonio narrowed his eyes, conscious that it sounded bad and he should worry, but momentarily confused as to why, exactly. Enriqueta though, she understood immediately; Javier knew she would.

His mother had a thing for overdramatic, romantic literature; said it made her laugh at its ridiculousness, but sometimes it could paint more colourful and interesting pictures than the more “serious” novels. Javier had many memories of her sitting on the bleachers of an ice rink with one of those books in her gloved hands, waiting for her children’s after school practice to end. He had seen more than a couple of covers dripping with flowers, the tragic heroine draped over the muscular arm of some wild-looking man in a kilt.

Javier was no fainting-prone historical lady and the image of a bare chested Yuzuru in a kilt with flowing locks in the wind was hilarious, so he had hoped it would help lessen the blow somewhat.

It didn’t, really.

Enriqueta’s face grew pale as a sheet, eyes wide as her hands came out to cover her mouth. She was already tearing up when she found her voice. “ _God help us… not my child…”_

_“Dear, what is happening-?”_

_“He’s dying, Antonio! Our little boy is dying!”_

A single, desperate cry, and her panic spread to her husband like wildfire. That was not good.

Javier scrambled to appease the terror in their eyes. _“Hey, no, I’m not dying! I’m right here, I told you I was going to be fine, remember-?”_

_“Oh my god, Javier!”_

_“How long do we have, have you been to a doctor-!?”_

_“Why didn’t you say anything!?”_

_“What can we do!? There must be something we-“_

_“My god, you’re the worst at these things,”_ Laura muttered towards her panicking brother, before raising her voice over the cacophony of desperate cries. _“Mom, dad! Yuzuru is here now, so it really is fine!”_

The noise died down suddenly as all eyes turned to Yuzuru. He sat like a statue, his back tense to the point of brittleness, but his eyes had a wild look to them. Javier finally noticed the white-knuckled grip on his hand, the visible proof of his partner’s growing anxiety as he held onto his impeccable posture in the middle of the hurricane.

Yuzuru, who had to read the situation without the help of words, adrift while everyone else shouted out their anger, fear and hopelessness. Yuzuru, who still felt guilty and had no way of knowing what they were saying about him.

Javier let go of his hand only to wrap that same arm around his shoulders, pulling Yuzuru close enough to put his lips on his temple. “We’re okay, _cariño_. You’re okay.” Yuzuru said nothing, but trembled at the murmured words and laid his hand over Javier’s on his arm. “It’s not your fault.”

“ _He saved you, then. Didn’t he?”_ Enriqueta had left her seat beside her husband and was crouching in front of them, once again balanced with a hand on Javier’s knee as she tried to meet their eyes. Hers still looked shiny and there were tear-tracks on her face, but Javier could see she was doing her best to pull up a smile. “ _What’s the word, dear?_ ”

“’Save’. _He did save me, mom_.”

Javier’s heart felt about to burst when his mother turned away from him and towards Yuzuru, tentatively laying her other hand on his knee. Yuzuru flinched at first, curling further into Javier, but lifted his gaze when only warmth was forthcoming.

When Enriqueta smiled at him, it didn’t look forced anymore.

“You save my son, Yuzuru. Thank you, with all my heart.”

“I only love him, nothing more. I-“

Yuzuru’s voice broke as he shuddered in a breath, and then Enriqueta was drawing them both into a hug, crying against Javier’s chest as she thanked Yuzuru over and over again. Antonio joined in on Javier’s other side, wrapping an arm around both his children as Laura explained everything in low tones, keeping the contact as a reminder that they were still there, even when the terrible truth of what they’d barely avoided unfolded in their minds’ eye.

Their couch was not made to host five tearful people and their grief, but it held under the weight while they held onto each other, and that was the most important thing.

 

* * *

 

Javier felt much lighter after laying everything out in the open, even if he also felt like he had cried more in the last week than in the rest of his life combined.

Not having to hide in his own house was useful, though he still let only Yuzuru in with him when his body purged. He’d learned knowing was very different from seeing, and the image of blood and his convulsing body was one he didn’t want his parents to have. They hadn’t insisted once Yuzuru told them he would be there every time, but Enriqueta had taken to waiting for them in the living room with mugs of hot tea and a cold compress for Javier’s painful chest.

Javier hadn’t decided yet if it made up for the fact that now almost everyone in the house looked at him like they feared he was going to drop dead the second they turned their back on him.

He understood why they were acting this way, which was why he couldn’t find it in himself to call them out on it; but he also didn’t like how it made him feel.

“You know, I was never truly afraid of suddenly dying from this, before. I always thought I would see it coming, that it wouldn’t catch me by surprise,” Javier mused into Yuzuru’s hair one night as they lay together in bed, waiting for sleep to take them away from their thoughts. “But now all of you have got me thinking about it with this hypervigilance of yours. Except Laura; Laura’s more chill.”

Yuzuru tilted his head up to shoot him a warning glare. “Javi.”

“Okay: no joking about dying, no dark humour. I remember.”

He tried to coax Yuzuru back into relaxation and his former position drawing over Javier’s chest with his fingers, but Yuzuru was having none of it. He propped himself up on his arm and looked down at Javier, brows drawn tight. “Is not funny for us.”

“I know. It’s just- I don’t do it to be a jerk, okay? You’re family, and I love you, and hurting you is the last thing I want,” Javier sighed, letting his arms spread wide as he looked up to the ceiling. “But I don’t really notice it anymore. I start talking, I think about it, and it comes out. No filter. I’ve been living with it for so long that it’s just become normal.”

Yuzuru’s fingers on his face pulled him back out of his musings. “Is not normal. Is very sad that you think this.”

He looked deeply unhappy; Javier didn’t know how to fix it, if he even could or it was the kind of wound only time could heal. “I’m sorry.”

Yuzuru’s expression crumbled further at this, eyes scrunching shut as he leaned down to kiss him, and it was so bittersweet Javier felt he could have cried if he had any tears left to shed.

“Is not Javi’s fault,” Yuzuru said afterwards, dropping back down with his head next to Javier’s shoulder. He left another kiss there, nuzzling against bare skin.

“It’s not your fault, either.” When there was no response, Javier turned on his side to face his partner. “Yuzu. Not anyone’s fault: we agreed.”

“I try.”

“You do that. And I’ll try to be less inconsiderate, okay? Promise?”

As many times as they’d done this over the years, it didn’t escape either of them that it was the first time Javier offered his pinky first. It felt important, together under the covers in his childhood bedroom, the distance between their bodies minimal and their hearts closer than ever.

Yuzuru wrapped his pinky around Javier’s, then leaned in to press a soft kiss on his lips as he shook their joined hands, once.

“Promise.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that went smoothly enough, methinks. No thanks to Javi, tho :_D
> 
> Next time: some much needed conversations.
> 
> ([Twitter](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian), [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian))


	22. Twenty-one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru and Javier recalibrate.

 

 

Javier was used to sleeping alone.

Even during his previous relationships, he and his partners had been apart most of the time, which didn’t lend itself to long periods of sharing the same space. When it came to sleeping, he could say he’d never really grown to appreciate their company. Javier was mostly a calm sleeper and had no trouble sharing a bed, but at the end of the day his body didn’t use to crave the warmth of another by his side, content to spread across his double bed unimpeded.

Enter Yuzuru.

Yuzuru was usually far from a calm sleeper, tossing and turning through the night on good days and suspect of kicking anyone near enough on the bad ones. He woke easily if disturbed, too sensitive to sound and changes in lighting around him as if his brain never really stopped churning, but would struggle against consciousness when deep in the throes of a nightmare.

Javier had been on the receiving end of it all since the start of their friendship, and yet he still had come to find solace in having Yuzuru by his side, in not being alone when darkness fell in more ways than one. Before he even realized, the sound of Yuzuru’s soft breathing and his weight dipping the mattress had become something Javier wanted, something familiar that settled his mind and made his heart swell in his chest.

Even so, Javier had thought it would take time for them to get comfortable enough after their relationship changed and the invisible barriers that had kept them on opposing sides of the bed disappeared.

Of course, he had been wrong.

Javier couldn’t have predicted how normal and uncomplicated it would feel to wrap around each other under the covers, their breaths mingling in the small space and every point of contact a warm, solid reminder of what they now had. How natural it was to wake up in Yuzuru’s arms, knowing instinctively that they had kept each other safe and close throughout the night.

After the anxiety and trauma of not knowing if he would wake up choking and bleeding in the middle of the night, lazily opening his eyes to the brightness of morning, surrounded by a cocoon of warmth and Yuzuru’s hand laid over his heart, felt like heaven.

Smiling, Javier shuffled back to press against his partner’s chest, lacing his fingers with Yuzuru’s. He hummed in satisfaction when Yuzuru whined under his breath and stirred, his arm tightening reflexively over Javier’s ribs as he fitted his knees closer behind the Spaniard’s.

“You awake?”

There was some unintelligible mumbling that sounded suspiciously like Japanese when Yuzuru burrowed his face on Javier’s nape, the touch of his lips ticklish but hot even on sleep-warm skin. It made a pleasant shiver run down Javier’s spine, who instinctively pushed his hips back into Yuzuru’s to chase more of that feeling.

It all clicked in his head when Yuzuru answered that pressure with his own, pushing against Javier’s body from behind. Yuzuru’s lips weren’t the only part of him that felt hotter, and a flame of excitement sparked in Javier.

They hadn’t explored the sexual aspect since their relationship changed: there had been no time, and they had both been too worried about more pressing matters to think about such things. But now, safe and calm and alone with his partner, trouble seemed so much further away, like something almost separated from the present. In a moment, Javier remembered all at once how much he wanted.

He wondered if Yuzuru wanted, too.

“Nice dream?” he asked softly, easily melting into Yuzuru’s hold as the other kept grinding against him. There was an affirmative hum and Yuzuru’s fingers closed in a fist beneath Javier’s hand, holding onto the fabric of the old shirt he slept in. “I can help, you know.” When nothing else happened after a beat, Javier frowned and twisted around enough to look at Yuzuru over his shoulder. “Yuzu?”

The louder tone finally got a reaction. Yuzuru’s eyes flew open and he froze like a deer in headlights, blinking rapidly for a moment in honest surprise before he focused and took stock of the situation. Javier knew the exact moment it registered because Yuzuru’s cheeks went red and he scrambled away, ripping his hand from Javier’s in his haste to put some distance between them.

“Oh my god, sorry!” The edge of the bed stopped his mad dash, but Yuzuru still chose to pull his knees up towards his chest in a blatant effort to cover himself. “So sorry, Javi, I don’t-“

“It’s fine!” Javier said, trying to be as reassuring as possible. When the other just turned his flushed face away, he shuffled closer, trying to meet the elusive gaze with his own. “Really, Yuzu, it’s just me; there’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s all fine.”

“Yes I have shame. Even if Javi is partner, I don’t-“ Yuzuru covered his face with his hands, whining pitifully. “Silly dream make me do things, so sorry-“

“Hey, I don’t mind. Honestly.” With infinite tenderness, Javier reached for Yuzuru’s hand and took it in his own again, uncovering his blush and shooting him a cheeky smile. “Was it a nice dream? I hope it was about me, then.”

“Javi!” Yuzuru’s annoyance won over his embarrassment for a moment and he unfolded from his guarded position, which was exactly what Javier had wanted. Yuzuru sagged after his outburst like the fight had been taken out of him, but didn’t go back to covering himself anymore. There was no hiding the rising spark of heat in his eyes that thinking back on the images his sleeping brain had conjured brought to the surface. “Of course it about Javi. You know I…”

Yuzuru’s teeth started worrying over his bottom lip and he drifted off, but his eyes were drawn to Javier’s mouth like magnets. The Spaniard gulped, feeling suddenly exposed under the attention, all joking manner thrown aside in favour of the raw honesty bubbling up from within. “I don’t know, actually. I hope, because I do want you, but I don’t know what you think.”

Javier realized all of a sudden that he could hear Yuzuru’s breaths now, the slight shudder that accompanied every in and out. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end, his spine tensing in anticipation.

Yuzuru’s gaze was dark when it met his again, and Javier felt like he was being pulled into the void of the other’s blown pupils. His heart beat madly in his chest but, for once, the ache was dull and sweet, like it came from himself and not the remnants of the flower.

“I think yes. I want you, too.”

Almost afraid to touch for fear of everything disappearing like a mirage in front of his eyes, Javier tentatively raised his other hand to Yuzuru’s cheek. He knew he was done for when Yuzuru tilted his head and leaned into the contact, eyes closed and lips turned up; his partner’s full trust was heart-wrenching to witness, and Javier felt both relaxed and inflamed.

“Let me help, then?”

Yuzuru’s answer was to sigh and allow himself to fall naturally towards Javier, finding his lips and humming in contentment when his kiss got returned.

Kissing was something they had quickly gotten used to: small and sweet pecks, lingering kisses that were a play of lips and teeth, deep kisses that had them breathing in unison and their tongues melting together. Kissing was a way of comforting both themselves and the other, of sharing happiness and outrunning grief. Yuzuru had long ago lost count of the number of kisses, and even the amount of time they’d spent wrapped around each other, sharing warmth and breath as they sequestered themselves away in the physical demonstration of their love.

Touching like lovers, though; that was very new.

The look and shape of the other’s body was familiar, a natural consequence of training together and sharing locker rooms; even the feel of it under layers of clothing, or the bare spots at the neck and the inside of a wrist where wandering hands had once found their anchor.

But Yuzuru’s hands had never glided freely over Javier’s middle, stroking up his abdomen and splaying on his chest, protective over his racing heart, while Yuzuru’s mouth peppered kisses under his jaw and Javier threw his head back, softly moaning his appreciation. Javier’s hands had never drifted between Yuzuru’s legs, fingers smoothing over the inside of his thighs before taking him in hand and stroking, nuzzling praise and kisses at Yuzuru’s temple as the other whimpered, eyes fighting to stay open and searching for Javier’s gaze even through the growing haze of pleasure.

Watching Yuzuru willingly fall apart beneath his touch was new, but glorious. Javier couldn’t stop kissing him in awe even as his partner’s body grew lazy and oversensitive after orgasm, limbs too heavy to obey his mind’s design when he insisted on returning the favour.

“There’s no need, _cariño_ ,” Javier told that pouty face with a smile. “I got plenty out of that and there will be other times.”

Yuzuru returned the smile, and it looked bright enough to rival the sun. “Because Javi is mine?”

Javier was not hiding anymore; the last barrier was long gone.

“I’ve always been yours.”

 

* * *

 

Reality popped Javier’s idyllic bubble of domesticity when he got a call from his agent: as current World champion, the Japanese Skating Federation was inviting him to perform at the gala of the World Team Trophy. He should accept, he told Javier; it was easy money and an opportunity to keep growing his profile in Japan and his chances of being invited again to the biggest shows come summer.

The season was not over yet. They had dawdled enough.

Yuzuru was lounging on the sofa when Javier came out to the living room after hanging up, a cat curled on his chest an another draped lazily over his thighs, muttering frustrated Japanese as he tilted his handheld console this way and that.

He didn’t look antsy at their inactivity, hadn’t since he came to Madrid even though they were pretty much confined to the house while Javier’s body took some very much needed time to start healing in earnest.

It made the Spaniard wonder.

“Yuzu,“ he called, leaning over the back of the sofa to scratch behind Effie’s ears. She purred in satisfaction, raising her head from Yuzuru’s chest. “Shouldn’t you go back to training? You’ve been here for almost a week: I’ve never known you to spend this much time off-ice without injuries to blame.”

Yuzuru glanced at him before his attention went back to the screen, apparently nonplussed. “Is okay. I want to be here.”

The new tension in his shoulders told Javier it wasn’t that simple. “You must miss the ice. I know I do.”

“Ice not important now.”

Javier rolled his eyes in exasperation at the increasingly stubborn set of Yuzuru’s eyebrows. Pulling words out of him when he didn’t want to talk about something was about as easy and painless as pulling teeth. “Yuzu-“

“That Javi not alone more important.” Yuzuru paused his game and let his hands fall on his lap, glaring at his partner. “There. That what you want me to say?”

They sized each other up in silence for a moment, annoyance a poor barrier between what was openly said and the worry lurking just beneath. Despite everything, Javier understood where Yuzuru was coming from and couldn’t blame him for feeling protective; didn’t mean they could go on like this forever.

“But I’m doing so much better,” Javier said, opening his arms and gesturing to himself. Yuzuru snorted darkly and turned his face away. “Really. I’m not even bleeding every day anymore, you know that. You’ve seen.”

“Still not okay.”

“You don’t like to hear this, I’m aware, but I’ll be okay even if you go back home. I won’t die the moment you step on a plane or-“

“Javi want me to leave?”

Javier got serious at the petulant tone, bypassing Yuzuru’s clear baiting. They needed to talk about this, he knew, but he didn’t want to start a fight. “Don’t do that. You know that’s not what I meant; you’re always welcome at my house.”

“Then why we have this talk?”

“Because I don’t want you to leave everything on hold for me!” Javier exclaimed at last. He lowered his voice when Yuzuru flinched, trying to reason with him. “I love you, and I’m so glad you care enough to come all the way here, but you can’t be my shadow forever.”

The fight went visibly out of Yuzuru at that. He looked defeated, gaze turned down to where he was petting Effie for comfort, the beginnings of shame tinting his cheeks. His voice was barely more than a mutter when he finally spoke. “Not forever.”

“I know.” Javier sighed and walked around the couch, kneeling at Yuzuru’s side on the floor and laying his hand over his partner’s. Effie’s purring vibrated soothingly up his wrist. “But we have to start somewhere, yes? I don’t want you to miss anything or hold back because of me.”

“Is just World Team Trophy,” Yuzuru argued, making a face. “I don’t lose important things because Javi is sick.”

Javier chuckled. “So it’s not the most serious competition, I’ll give you that; but it’s still in Japan and I know how you feel about skating there.” He cupped Yuzuru’s jaw, turning his face so he could look him in the eye. “You have to go back to the ice.”

It was hard to stand his ground when his partner looked so sad, but it had to happen. Becoming dependent on the other to function was never a healthy choice, and in their case even more so given their lifestyle and status as fellow competitors. As comfortable as it was to let themselves go with their heart, they would grow too comfortable if common sense didn’t prevail.

They were both aware of this, but it didn’t make it any easier.

Yuzuru closed his eyes and leaned in to press their mouths together, caressing Javier’s lips for a moment before resting his forehead against the other’s. “Okay. But I see you after?”

“I’ll be there for the gala, actually.” Yuzuru’s eyes flew open; Javier smiled, wriggly eyebrows pulling at their point of contact, more felt than seen. “Seems like being World champion has some privileges you didn’t tell me about.”

Yuzuru pulled back with a snort. “Enjoy for now; I take my title back next season.”

“Fighting words!” Javier followed him, keeping their faces close and stealing a cheeky kiss. “I like that.”

Yuzuru groaned and pushed him away with a hand on his face, but he was laughing and the sparkle of happiness in his eyes was true. That was all Javier wanted to see.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru left a couple of days later. Despite having had time to come to terms with the fact, he still looked shifty and unhappy when Javier went to see him off at the airport.

Javier wanted so much to offer further reassurance, but he didn’t feel comfortable displaying something that private in front of all the eyes around them, no matter how unknowing.

“Javi talk to me every day and don’t hide things,” Yuzuru demanded, brave face on and finger waving at his partner in warning. “I know if you lie!”

Javier went along with it, because they both knew there was nothing they could do but bear it and wait for everything to settle. He grinned. “Sounds fake.”

Undeterred by the other’s disbelief Yuzuru preened, his own grin even bigger. “Laura tell me. She give me phone number.”

“Oh, come on,” Javier whined. “Two against one is not fair-“

“Life not fair. And you don’t get kisses if you don’t be good.”

“Not even little kisses?”

Javier could see Yuzuru’s gaze drop to his lips, licking over his own automatically. It made a shiver run down Javier’s spine and the joke was on him too, because he couldn’t do anything about the situation either. Yuzuru’s thoughts seemed to have run a similar course: his shoulders sagged and he sighed dejectedly.

“I give you big kiss when you come home, yes? Promise.”

Javier took the pinky promise and went a step further, pulling Yuzuru close into a hug with his free arm, their joined hands pressed close between them one last time. “Promise. I’ll give you anything you want.”

“Just come back to me,” Yuzuru answered, low and heartfelt against his neck before pulling away for good.

Javier stood there, rooted to the spot and unable to look away, until Yuzuru’s figure got lost in between the throes of people.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the awkwardness and boundary-laying of new relationships :P
> 
> Next time: apart, but together.
> 
> ([Twitter](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian), [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian))


	23. Twenty-two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Phantom's last cry.

 

 

After a grudging approval from his doctor and a stern talking to from his mother, Javier was allowed back on the ice himself. ‘Nothing fancy at first’, they had told him, and to stop the moment he felt pressure in his chest or experienced trouble breathing.

Enriqueta had gone as far as threatening to go oversee his time in the rink herself, but had to give up on the idea when their schedules didn’t align. Morning was the best time for Javier to be on the ice, when most people were otherwise busy and thus out of the way of a lightning-fast, elite skater, but of course it was also work-time for her.

She wouldn’t let such a thing become an impediment to what she considered her due motherly duties, of course.

“I have eyes and ears all over that place, so you’d better behave or you and I will have words, young man.”

“Come on, mom, I’m an adult! I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, right. Like you’ve been doing all these months?” Her eyes narrowed in a glare, which made Javier gulp down any further whiny jokes and instinctively straighten his posture. Enriqueta didn’t look as appeased by that as her son would have wanted. “Be glad I’m not just tying you down to a chair until the doctors clear you completely.”

“Mom-“

“No, Javier. It was a very serious thing that you hid from your father and I. We’re all very lucky Yuzuru loves you back, after all.”

Her voice wavered at the end, the emotional wound still too raw and recent to hide. Javier’s heart throbbed in his chest, seeing in his mother’s eyes the reflection of the pain he had caused his family. What was done was done, Javier couldn’t change the past and he had to live with the consequences; but he could learn, and try to make better choices in the future.

“I’m sorry,” he said, hugging her close. “For everything.”

“You silly, silly boy. Never do that to us again.”

It was the comforting feeling of his mother’s hands carding slowly through his hair that Javier took later with him onto the ice, more meaningful than the many congratulations and pats on the back he received for his new World champion title from the boisterous rink staff and other skaters.

Alone with his thoughts, Javier skated around lazily, warming up both his body and his muscle memory, drifting through patterns and step sequences ingrained in the very centre of his being. He carved curves on the ice absently with his blades, letting his body flow through the turns, gathering momentum before tightening everything to seamlessly enter a spin.

He’d never thought he would miss spinning, but there he was.

He stopped with a low chuckle and a spray of ice, breath misting in the cold air, and turned his head up to the rafters. Eyes closed, the low hum of the fans that kept the cold air circulating was more noticeable, the sharp sound of other people’s blades crisp and soothing all around him. The skin on his bare forearms pebbled with goosebumps, and the tips of his fingers were feeling the cold even through his gloves.

Javier’s chest moved faster and his blood was pumping after the exercise, but there was no hurt.

The ice had always been home; this time, he felt welcome again. He didn’t stop himself when the urge to touch his bare hands to it came, only took off his gloves and bent down to appease it. He smiled when he found himself thinking that he understood Yuzuru’s need for the gesture a bit more, now.

Before leaving the rink for the day, Javier took his phone out of his jacket pocket and snapped a photo of his skates on the ice.

                < Reunited again!

                < And yes, I have permission. Just a reminder.

The answer came a while later as he was having his second cup of coffee of the morning, catching up with the staff at the cafeteria.

                > YAY! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

                > Saya say hello.

Javier smiled at the attached selfie of the Hanyu siblings, their grins bright beneath the dying sun, dark hair ruffled by the breeze.

                > I leave soon. Miss you.

                < Just a few more days. Good luck!

Yuzuru’s answering row of hearts had Javier in a great mood for the rest of the day.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuzuru’s messages petered down to nothing once he left for Tokyo for the World Team Trophy. This was normal and par for the course with his partner’s intense focus and need for space during competitions, even a fluff one like this, so Javier didn’t think twice about it. He sent his good wishes and went about his days, which lately consisted on ramping up his on-ice workload and getting things ready for his own trip to Japan.

On his last day in Madrid, though, Javier got something again.

                > Watch me in the FS.

Short and simple, no further clarification. It didn’t even cross Javier’s mind not to do just that.

The men’s singles free skate segment fell right around noon in Spain, so the scheduling was comfortable enough for Javier to rope in his sister to watch with him.

“Is he always like that?” Laura asked as she settled on the couch with Roni on her lap, absently scratching behind his ears, while Javier set everything up and told her about Yuzuru’s request.

“Like what?” grabbing an unsuspecting Effie on his way, Javier dropped down besides his sister and turned up the volume. The first group was already halfway done.

“Cryptic. Intense.”

Javier raised his head from where he was nuzzling the cat’s soft fur, feigning ignorance. “Did he seem like that to you when he was over here?”

“You know what I mean. Stop avoiding the question.”

It had been worth a try, even if Laura knew him too well to let him get away with the deflection. Resigned to actually trying to put feelings into words, Javier sighed in defeat, giving himself a moment to think.

“It’s not that simple,” he finally started. His eyes followed the skater on screen absently, too deep inside his head to fully register anything else. “Intense? Yeah, he is. For everything. It’s both one of his greatest strengths and his biggest weakness, if you ask me. He feels too much, all the time. It must be exhausting.”

“Javi…”

“I don’t think he’s purposefully cryptic, though. Cheeky? Hell, yes. I’m sure you’ve noticed, but he’s actually a little devil and not to be trusted.” Javier shot her an amused glance at her snort, both siblings sharing a knowing look. After that interlude, he went serious again. “But cryptic? That would mean giving some clues when something’s wrong with him, which he doesn’t, not really. He either tells you upfront, or keeps it to himself. It’s frustrating, actually, because then I can’t do anything to help.”

Laura cleared her throat pointedly, raising one eyebrow at him. “Funny you should say that.”

“Okay, I deserved that one,” he conceded with a chuckle. “But to answer your question: Yuzuru is Yuzuru, with his good and bad things; just like everyone else.”

“You really love him, don’t you?”

Javier smiled. “Was the flower not enough of an indicator?”

She made a face at the reminder, but pushed on. “I trust you more than something that has been played up for drama so much.”

“So you’re on science’s camp? You know, all these doctor visits and they still bend over backwards to avoid the l-word.”

“Can you blame them? It’s so weird.”

“It works, though.” Javier could do nothing but shrug; in the end, it was that simple.

“I’ve never been so glad to see something science couldn’t explain.”

Conversation became less serious with that out of the way, and time passed. Javier tried to see anything different in Yuzuru when the last group took the ice for their warm up and couldn’t, though he noted that Brian looked relaxed enough at the boards. Javier hadn’t really thought anything was amiss, but seeing their coach’s face was confirmation and it calmed whatever spark of worry his brain had managed to conjure up.

Yuzuru skated last. The home crowd was obviously delighted to see their champion competing home again, the level of noise racketing up when he took to the ice. And then, in that ephemeral moment when silence fell like a blanket and Yuzuru breathed out one last time before becoming the Phantom, Javier felt it.

It _was_ different.

Whenever Javier had watched this program before, even in training, there had always been at least a lingering sense of competitiveness: this was his biggest rival’s weapon against him, and no matter how beautiful or mesmerizing Javier would always measure himself to it in the back of his mind. He could never fully enjoy it.

Javier wouldn’t have to compete against this program again, though, and that simple notion changed everything. As Yuzuru pushed off, all the way in another corner of the world, the Spaniard felt something come alive inside of him; an ember that grew into a flame that consumed him from within.

There were so many layers to Yuzuru’s performance. His Phantom was powerful and domineering at the start, then vulnerable and soft; entreating, as he took his love’s hand in his and pulled them into his world. But it was not enough, and so rejection followed with the Phantom’s cry, a heart-wrenching tragedy as the music reached a glorious crescendo, until he finally succumbed to fate and said his final goodbyes to his beloved. In the end, as the figure on the ice offered himself up with both the good and the bad on display, Javier wasn’t sure if he was still looking at the Phantom’s lingering reflection or at Yuzuru.

Javier read the gratitude on his partner’s lips, a murmur lost to the heavens and the approving roar of a crowd that was on their feet, the excited witnesses of something truly special that had transpired in a mere handful of minutes.

Javier wouldn’t presume that performance was for him, because he knew Yuzuru used skating to give back to so many people and he was just one person. It moved him all the same, deep inside where his recovering heart still beat for Yuzuru, and he had never longed to answer a lover’s call like he did this one.

“Wow. That was something.”

He could feel Laura staring at him, waiting for his reaction. Javier had nothing but the truth. “I wouldn’t have won over him at Worlds if he skated like that, even with the pop.” He took a breath, swallowed when his throat closed up under the weight of realization and some kind of inevitability. “I don’t think anyone could.”

“But he didn’t.” Laura’s touch on his arm pulled him out of his mind’s haze. Her face was serious when Javier turned to her, eyes grave and solemn. “That’s what competition means: you deserved to with that day in Shanghai, he deserves to win today in Tokyo.”

Javier’s eyes went back to the screen, where Yuzuru was smiling shyly at the camera after taking off an actual Phantom mask in the lively Kiss & Cry. He looked happy, and he should: he had done his part and could finally rest, now.

“Don’t worry, one of these days he’s going to skate clean like that in an actual competition, and it will be incredible.”

Javier chuckled, tension dissolving at the teasing tone. “I know. I’m both excited and afraid.”

“Well, a little spice is good for every couple,” Laura said, wriggling her eyebrows comically.

“You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”

“I’ll have ammunition for years, hopefully.”

Javier would never tell her, but he hoped so, too.

 

* * *

 

It was dark when Javier landed in Tokyo, if ‘dark’ could be used to describe a city made up of so many points of light and colour that it looked like a sparkling jewel on approach from the air. It wasn’t that late yet, not going by local time, but the long flight had left him exhausted enough to start finding any horizontal surface worryingly appealing.

He did his best to smile at the lady in the hotel reception when he registered and got his room card, but the slightly pitying look in her eyes did not bode well for the bags currently showing underneath his.

Oh, well. Javier was late for his date with the bed and things would hopefully look better in the morning, after he had had his duly needed beauty sleep.

Only bothering to unpack his toiletries bag and sleeping clothes, Javier quickly went through the motions of washing off the hours huddled in the plane and his night routine, glad that his body was at least cooperating by not having him spend a while coughing up petals. While there had been no blood at all in the last three days, the fits still left his chest sore and his throat irritated, so missing out when he was already so tired felt like a blessing. Once back in the bedroom, he couldn’t help but throw himself face-first onto the bed, where he lay pitifully trying to summon up the force of will to reach for his phone to set an alarm and actually get under the covers.

It wasn’t going so well when his phone vibrated loudly on the bedside table, making him jump a little.

                > You here?

Javier whined in the back of his throat, rolling over until he was looking up at the ceiling and not at accidentally suffocating himself against the bedcovers. Yuzuru would kill him if that happened.

                < Just about.

                > You come to the banquet?

Javier barked a laugh, reminding himself that dark humour was still banned for now and any jokes referring to his current state as ‘half-dead’ or ‘carcass of a person’ would not be well received by his fussy partner.

                < Nope. Too exhausted.

                < You’re welcome to come flop over my tired body when you’re done with the party, if you want. Door’s unlocked.

Javier proceeded to doze off right there not long after, but when an indeterminate amount of time later Yuzuru did just as offered, Javier still found himself flailing and groaning in surprise as the sudden weight landed carelessly on him.

“Oh my god, what-?”

“Hello, Javi,” was the cheeky response from his partner, as Yuzuru crossed his forearms on the other’s chest and leaned his chin on them. “You look very tired.”

“And so you decided to wake me?”

“I only do what you say.” Javier felt, more than saw, the smile on Yuzuru’s lips when he leaned to press it against the Spaniard’s in a brief kiss. “You wake on your own.”

Javier hummed sleepily, closing his arms around Yuzuru’s waist. “You’re lucky I love you. I’d kick you out of bed for that stunt, otherwise.”

Comfortable and warm as he was, Javier didn’t realize his eyes had fallen closed until his partner spoke again, all playfulness gone from his voice. “Javi okay?”

They both knew Yuzuru wasn’t asking about jet-lag. “Yes, _cariño_. No blood for days, no purging tonight, no pain in my chest. I’m really just tired from the trip.”

“Good.” Yuzuru deflated, hooking his arms underneath Javier’s shoulders to burrow on his chest and return the embrace. He stayed there a moment, breathing softly against Javier’s exposed collarbone. “You watch the free?”

“Of course. You were great.”

Yuzuru tilted his head up, blazing eyes meeting Javier’s gaze. “I always think story in Phantom is for Javi, but afraid if I let go everyone see. I not afraid anymore yesterday, so skate with everything.”

Javier’s heart started beating so hard behind his ribs he was sure the other would be able to feel it, pressed close as they were. “I saw.”

When it came this time, Yuzuru’s kiss was hotter, lingering and heart-felt. “That all I want.”

After a few minutes of simply soaking in each other’s presence, Javier’s tiredness finally won out again.

“Hey, go get some sweatpants or whatever from my suitcase and change. I really need to get under the covers and you’re not getting in with me in a suit.”

Yuzuru snorted, but drew himself up and out of the bed to comb through Javier’s luggage. The Spaniard was barely awake when the other finally returned, throwing the sheets back over them as he snuggled up to Javier’s body heat and pressed his cold toes against his calves.

“So happy you here.”

“You’re happy to have a personal bed-heater once again. Spoiled.”

Yuzuru giggled. “That, too.”

Javier fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I loved Yuzuru's Phantom; that program doesn't get enough appreciation, I swear. In other news, these two keep killing me with the sweetness and I'm the one writing the thing! XD
> 
> Next time: WTT gala shenanigans and a wake up call for Javier.
> 
> ([Twitter](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian), [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian))


	24. Twenty-three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier gets lost in translation and Yuzuru is unleashed.

 

 

Morning found Javier in a much better state, even if Yuzuru had woken him up earlier with an apologetic kiss before going back to his own room. The interruption was worth not having to open his eyes first thing to an empty bed and cold sheets, so Javier didn’t really mind.

He stretched over the full expanse of the bed when his alarm dragged him out of the light doze he’d fallen in after Yuzuru left, breathing deeply and groaning as something popped satisfyingly in his back. His chest ached dully, though, which clued Javier in on the handful of wilted iris petals that he found wedged between his pillow and the mattress when he opened his eyes. Still no sign of blood on the pale sheets; Javier was a little afraid to say it was gone for good, but in the back of his mind he was starting to hope.

 

* * *

 

Gala practices were always distended. They were a place where competitors went back to being friends, and the edginess of rivalry fell away to reveal the inevitable silliness that ensued when a bunch of high-energy, young people came together in an environment that facilitated the relieving of all the accumulated pressure.

Considering the World Team Trophy was a fluff competition, at the end of a long season, and organized by the Japanese Skating Federation, it turned out to be even more so. The Japanese loved to put on a good show, and everyone else was only too happy to let loose and go with the flow.

It had been a while since Javier laughed this much, this freely. Worlds had been too much of a rollercoaster for him, both in the sporting and personal aspects, to truly enjoy it, so now he was soaking the feeling of everything in as much as he could.

Still, he remembered his doctor’s imposed limitations and kept a close eye on what he was actually putting his body through: he could skate with no trouble and his jumps were there if he needed to call on them, but Javier reminded himself not to overdo it. He couldn’t tell anymore what was more surreal: that Yuzuru subtly nodded his approval at Javier’s conservative choices when he only marked the jumps in his run-through, or that Javier wasn’t surprised that his usually all-or-nothing inclined partner did so.

Once his turn on centre ice was over, Javier glided over to the boards, choosing to stand there as he got his breathing back down to normal and took advantage of the opportunity to people watch.

The moving, colourful show spotlights in the dimmed rink made for a dreamy landscape, and his mind drifted aimlessly from one nebulous thought to another until someone skidded to a stop at his side and made Javier snap out of it.

Surprise turned to amusement when he saw who it was that was subtly trying to insert themselves between the boards and Javier’s taller frame, reaching for one of the myriad water bottles standing guard over the ice.

“Hello, Shoma.”

The other threw him a neutral look but nodded once in acknowledgement, ever polite. “Hello.”

“I hear congratulations are in order?” Javier got only a blank, mildly confused stare for that. He rephrased the question to try and communicate better: he really didn’t know how much English Shoma actually understood, but it felt impolite not to engage. “I mean, you win Junior Worlds, yes?”

“Ah, yes.” Shoma’s features softened and his shoulders relaxed. His cheeks puffed up when he smiled, and Javier could suddenly understand Yuzuru’s urge to pinch them. Shoma gestured at him, bowing his head slightly. “Same.”

And that seemed to be it for their conversation. Javier wracked his brain for something, anything he could say to break the weird silence stretching between them, but everything he came up with sounded either pointless, or too complicated to convey to a person who didn’t understand too much of the language. Javier remembered very well how it was to have older, more knowledgeable people treat you with paternalism and like you were stupid just because you were young or didn’t speak well, so the last thing he wanted was to do the same to Shoma.

Shoma, who appeared fairly unconcerned about Javier’s mental gymnastics and didn’t look like he would leave anytime soon, but kept glancing around warily, as if searching for something. Curiosity piqued, Javier followed his gaze and had to bite down a laugh when he found the culprit.

In the opposite corner, Yuzuru and Jason were fooling around and laughing, spinning together in increasingly ridiculous positions and barely escaping wiping out on the ice. Jason went on to adjust the hood of his jacket as it fell over his eyes, and Yuzuru used the interlude to stretch his neck and scan the edges of the rink, clearly looking for something. Javier doubted he was his partner’s intended target this time, but Yuzuru grinned all the same when their gazes met and started skating over, grabbing Jason on the way and pulling him along.

Javier chuckled and turned to Shoma, who seemed too calm to know doom was approaching fast. “If you’re taking a break from Yuzuru, being with me is not a good idea.”

Whether he understood fully or not, it got Shoma’s attention. His eyes went comically wide the moment he saw Yuzuru, who called his name in delight and waved enthusiastically when he noticed Shoma standing behind Javier.

“I see that.”

Shoma’s stare bore into the side of Javier’s face until the Spaniard conceded and turned to him. What was with Japanese people and the puppy-eyes? He sighed. “You want me to distract him.”

“Please. Hanyu-kun like Fernández-senshu, leave me.”

“I don’t think it works that way. You could just tell him no if he gets to be too much, you know. He’s not actually insensitive.” When Shoma’s smile only grew more hopeful, Javier groaned and gave up. “Okay, whatever. You owe me one.”

Shoma sent him a parting, knowing glance over his shoulder as he quickly scampered away. “Fernández-senshu like Hanyu-kun, too. I think even.”

Javier gaped incredulously at Shoma’s retreating back, not sure if he should feel amused or offended, until Yuzuru’s arrival demanded his attention.

“Why Shoma leave?”

“Because you’re a pest, that’s why.” Yuzuru glared at him, but Javier was too entertained to be deterred. “Stop pawing at his face and maybe he’ll stay longer.”

“But he have squishy cheeks!”

“Yes, he does; and you’re not his grandmother. Case closed.”

Javier had to remind himself that he was not allowed to kiss Yuzuru’s petulant pout away under the moving lights, no matter how tempting the notion was.

 

* * *

 

The organizers there seemed to have liked the idea from the Grand Prix Final’s gala, because they asked Yuzuru to introduce Javier to the crowd in much the same way as Javier had done for him back in Barcelona. As Yuzuru went over the brief speech with him, translating the usual message, Javier leaned back on his palms an let his eyes close, imagining the bustling crowd around them and the still, waiting ice.

“You know, it kind of feels like you’re introducing me officially to your people,” he said with a smile. Yuzuru’s brows were raised when Javier opened one eye to check his reaction. “And like I did exactly the same thing in Barcelona, even if we weren’t together yet.”

Yuzuru barked a laugh. “What?”

“No, really!” Javier exclaimed, clearing his throat to prepare his most pompous voice. “It’s like we’re both going ‘greetings, people of my country: I present to thee my chosen partner. He is very amazing at skating and I like him, so please approve of him.’”

Yuzuru’s eyes had disappeared in mirth even before Javier was done with his little proclamation, and now he laid his forehead against the Spaniard’s shoulder while his guffaws died down.

“Silly Javi. I remember later and want to laugh!”

Javier patted him on the head, smoothing down the loose strands that were flying in every other direction after practice. “Don’t worry, you get twinkly eyes when you’re amused and people love those. Everyone will forgive you.”

Yuzuru whined in response, but didn’t stop laughing.

 

* * *

 

For all of Yuzuru’s complaining, everything went smoothly when the gala itself came around.

Javier enjoyed the laid-back feel of simply performing without the lingering pressure and tiredness that always followed in the heels of competition. It didn’t matter if his landings were still a bit shaky, or if his spins didn’t centre fast enough; it was all about putting on a show and entertaining the audience, and that he had no trouble doing.

He’d always liked _Touch of evil_. The program had a different, quirky feel while still playing to his strengths. The delivery was more important than the jumps, and the choreography set up a character that fit him like a glove. Javier let himself have fun with it, playing the audience as he played with his hat, translating that old-Hollywood noir kind of charm over to the ice with each curve and turn.

The Russian team were waiting near the backstage entrance when he left the rink. Sergei was fanning himself, leaning on Elena’s shoulder for extra drama as Javier approached.

“My, my! Little Spaniard heating up the place!”

Javier snorted, but played along. “Got you too, eh? Can’t blame you,” he drawled, taking off his hat and running a hand through his hair as he made a mockingly sexy face. “I am, after all, irresistible.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Elena giggled but Sergei outright cackled, throwing his head back against the wall before shooting an amused warning in Javier’s direction. “I look out if I was you, irresistible man; little Japanese firecracker had his eye on you out there.”

“What?”

“You know the one,” said Sergei with a wink. “Always means business.”

“Thanks for being so incredibly helpful!” Javier said to the Russian’s parting back, which only got him a cheeky wave and a bigger grin in return for his troubles.

He didn’t give much thought to Sergei’s words. His friend had always liked to tease him, and it wasn’t even the first time he made some pointed reference towards Yuzuru. And what if Yuzuru had been looking, anyway? He was skating last and had plenty of time to spend around watching others, if he wanted to.

Javier didn’t see hide nor hair of him as the gala went on, though.

Since he hadn’t taken part in the previous days’ competition and was there only because he’d been invited to perform, Javier felt the need to not just skate two exhibition programs and call it a day. Skating his short program instead seemed like a fitting way to end the season.

He’d never really performed it outside of competition, so it was a nice change to not have to worry about how many points the little mistakes would cost him, even if he still kept his full content. At Worlds, he’d fallen deep into his character to pull through the pain and pressure, but this time he didn’t have to. This time it was all Javier, wearing his training clothes and his heart on his sleeve, playful and much more relaxed on the ice than he’d ever been with this program.

He enjoyed every minute of it.

Yuzuru was at the back of the room when Javier went looking for his towel and water bottle after leaving the ice, warm up finished and doing up his laces. He didn’t have to say anything once he stood up and marched towards the exit: the burning look he shot Javier was enough to pull his partner in, to have him stand in the shadows to watch along with everyone else, as the home champion took his place under the spotlight at last, ready to skate his record-breaking program once more.

And god, what a treat it was.

Javier had lost count of how many times he’d seen Yuzuru’s _Parisienne Walkways_ after two seasons of training and competitions, but just the first strings of the guitar where enough to create a perfect image of it in his head. If the music and choreography was this ingrained in him, Javier wondered if it was now like a second skin for Yuzuru, familiar and moulded to his shape.

As it turned out, a year made all the difference.

The program didn’t need to adjust to what Yuzuru could do anymore because his partner had grown into it, finally filling out all of its performative potential.

Yuzuru always went about the ice like he owned it when he skated, but this time his confidence had a different tinge to it, some kind of new flavour that Javier could almost taste on his tongue as he unconsciously licked his own lips.

While undeniably young, Yuzuru hadn’t been a child when Jeffrey chose this program for him. Still, it had taken a while until a ganglier, teenaged Yuzuru had found a way to play things up to have his performance on par with the idea behind it, to really sell it to the audience. Once that was in place, it had been just a matter of landing his jumps for the records to start coming.

It was a good formula, and it had worked beautifully for Yuzuru. Javier had found his rink mate’s experimentation with projecting his budding sensuality endearing at first, then a playful expression of his devilish charm. Looking back on it, it had been probably around the same time that Javier’s eyes had begun to stray, instinctively noticing that Yuzuru had grown in more than the obvious ways, even if his conscious mind had been very far off from realizing what was happening.

Now? Now it was devastating.

Yuzuru may had been playing at seduction before, but there were no more games here besides the chase, the magnetic pull he had on everyone around him. A wall of sound met his burning gaze every time he engaged directly with the crowd, and yet he just smiled back cheekily, sure of himself and his appeal as he moved onto the next choreographic highlight, the next target.

Javier felt sweat beading between his shoulder blades again, his temperature rising as Yuzuru’s hips swayed through his turns on the ice, his every movement carefully enhanced for maximum effect while still looking effortless, natural as if the vibrating notes of the guitar where played through his body.

This was Yuzuru’s new maturity on display: still playful, but with a healthy dose of cockiness and very much in charge of what he wanted.

As he tried to pull himself together for the final group number, Javier couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he were to let Yuzuru’s unstoppable force take over him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Someone_ has lit a fire under Javi, oops. Totally not what they intended, no sir, why do you ask.
> 
> Next time: the rating goes up and it's everyone involved's fault :P
> 
> ([Twitter](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian), [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian))


	25. Twenty-four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yuzuru plays Javier like a fiddle and some feels are had, but everyone has a good time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, but I'm finally here with the new chapter, YAY \o/
> 
> Please make sure you read the tags, people! I updated them, because **this chapter is rated E for sexytimes**. It can be skipped without damaging the storyline if that is absolutely not your cup of tea, which is why I've chosen to tag for it and write this note instead of upping the overall rating, but consider this my fair warning. Enjoy! (or not :P)

 

 

Javier still felt wired hours later, so much so he had actually started packing, instead of leaving it all for the last day as he usually would do. It wasn’t very effective, since folding a couple of shirts and throwing his training clothes haphazardly into a bag didn’t require much brainpower in the first place, leaving more than enough room in his head to construct hazy scenarios where the current under his skin finally got an outlet.

He felt a bit like a teenager again, _wanting_ this much; like he would be consumed from the inside if he didn’t do something about it.

And why shouldn’t he? Yuzuru had been receptive before, he had told Javier he wanted him too, so it was a possibility. Javier didn’t intend to rush him into anything, but talking about it and laying everything out in the open was always a healthy choice.

He was about to reach for his phone to send Yuzuru a message asking if he wanted to come spend the night again, when there was a knock on the door.

“Oh. You’re here already. That’s good.” Javier wanted to kick himself for stating the obvious. He shouldn’t have been surprised to find Yuzuru waiting on the other side of the door, but his partner’s presence made everything seem suddenly too real. Javier wouldn’t have time to prepare. “I was just thinking about asking if you were coming.”

“Of course I come.” Making his way into the room, Yuzuru toed off his shoes at the entrance and then walked up to the bed, dropping his overnight bag at its feet. “You leave tomorrow. I want to be with Javi before that.”

There was a kind of tension in his voice that Javier couldn’t really identify. Locking the door, he walked up to Yuzuru and hugged him from behind, trying to melt whatever it was with the heat from his body.

“It’s not that bad, we’ll see each other again soon enough. We’ll meet in Toronto for sure, and then we have the summer shows in Japan to look forward to,” Javier said, burying his nose in Yuzuru’s hair. Its familiar fragrance was strong, and it was still slightly damp at the roots: his partner must have come here right after his shower. The thought of it made Javier’s already hot blood pump even faster. “I’m going to miss you so much, though. Just… this.”

“Javi.” Yuzuru pushed back into the contact, sighing deeply as his fingers ran over Javier’s forearms on his waist. “I want-“

“What?” Javier nuzzled behind Yuzuru’s ear, running his lips over the thin, sensitive skin there. It made the tight body in his arms shiver. “I’ll give you anything.”

Yuzuru broke loose.

A needy moan was all the warning Javier got before his partner was turning in the circle of his arms, Yuzuru throwing his around the Spaniard’s neck to pull himself even closer as his mouth descended on Javier’s. Yuzuru had never kissed him like this before, desperate as if the very air he needed to breathe could only come from Javier’s lungs, as if he could only quench the thirst wracking his body on Javier’s lips.

He keened softly in the back of his throat when Javier tightened the hold on his waist, his fingers tangling in the Spaniard’s curls. Javier’s thumb found the place where the other’s shirt was riding up and started stroking over his hip; he noted the goosebumps rising on Yuzuru’s skin, the soft puff of a breathy sigh over his top lip as his partner pushed forward into the embrace and lined their bodies together.

Javier could already feel the embers of arousal stirring in his belly, awoken by the current that had been sparking under his skin since the gala, and now fuelled by the heat of Yuzuru’s body against his own. His want was rapidly growing into need, hungry for it like he hadn’t felt in a while, and it was taking all of his self-control to keep himself in check so Yuzuru could set their pace.

Yuzuru, who apparently had grown impatient enough with the present situation to take further measures. Before having the time to really process what was happening, Javier found himself sitting on the edge of the bed with a lapful of eager Yuzuru perched astride his thighs, hands drifted down to squeeze handfuls of his partner’s ass to pull him in closer against his body, where Yuzuru was definitely interested in the proceedings and already rubbing himself on Javier’s abs.

They were going too fast. Maybe. Javier didn’t know anymore.

“Hey, Yuzu-“ Speaking between kisses was difficult, especially when Yuzuru nipped at his lips every time he pulled back. “Shouldn’t we talk about this? For a moment?”

“Why? I want. You want.” Yuzuru moved his hips forward pointedly, making contact with Javier’s undeniable proof of how much he wanted. He smirked playfully when Javier moaned and instinctively held him tighter. “Easy, yes?”

“No. I mean, yes. Of course I want.” Yuzuru chuckled when Javier tried to make some sense of his scattered thoughts. God, it had been too long and his partner was too distracting. “I’m just surprised that you’re being this forward.”

“Why? I tell Javi before, that I want.”

“Yes, but I remember you almost falling off the bed to get away from me that same time.”

“Why you talk about that?” Yuzuru whined in complaint, one of his hands leaving Javier’s hair to cover his face. “I have much embarrassment!”

“See? That’s why. You were so timid about sex then-“

“Sex no problem, I have shame because I do things without ask first!”

“So it was a consent issue, then?” Javier relaxed when Yuzuru nodded, looking at him through his fingers. “Okay, that’s easy. You now have standing permission to hump me in your sleep. I’ll tell you if that changes, but I doubt it will. It was very nice.”

“Javi!”

“Seriously, now. This is your first time, right? I’d thought you’d be more, I don’t know… hesitant?” Javier winced as Yuzuru’s stare turned deadpan. “That was really stupid of me, right? When have you ever been hesitant, of course-“

“Javi,” Yuzuru interrupted. He pressed closer again, turning Javier’s attention away from self-deprecating explanations and back on himself. “I don’t have sex with other people before, but I not innocent.”

The closeness was a double-edged sword, because having Yuzuru rubbing off against him did things to Javier’s cognizant abilities. Brain-scrambling things. It took him a moment before he got it, and it must have been obvious on his face because Yuzuru chuckled.

“You play with yourself?”

“Really, Javi?” Yuzuru rolled his eyes, but laughed.

“Okay, yeah, of course I supposed you masturbate, duh. I mean play-play, like with everything. You know.” Javier wanted to slap himself for talking nonsense, but really. There wasn’t that much blood going to his brain by this point; Yuzuru and his rising eyebrows would have to understand.

“If don’t, then don’t know what I like if sex with other people happen. So yes.”

Javier stared at him for a minute, a flurry of images running through his mind’s eye as Yuzuru’s smile grew and amusement sparkled in his gaze. Finally he groaned, letting his body sag forward and laying his forehead on Yuzuru’s shoulder.

“That makes so much sense.”

Yuzuru laughed and kissed his temple, carding gentle fingers through his hair. “What you think happen?”

“I don’t know. Guess I thought you’d be more of a blushing virgin. Which, again, _really_ stupid on my part. I’m so sorry.”

“But is true. I blushing and virgin.” Yuzuru put a hand on Javier’s jaw and pulled his head up, kissing him softly with smiling lips. His cheeks were indeed rosy and beautiful up close.

“It’s not meant to be taken literally, _cariño_.”

“I know. I feel nervous, too, but is good nervous? Excited. My hands tingle,” Yuzuru laughed, wiggling his fingers next to their faces to illustrate his point. “Is with Javi, so not afraid.”

It was a good thing he was sitting, because Javier could’ve sworn he swooned a bit at that. His body softened, heart swelling with feeling as he raised his hand to draw over Yuzuru’s features.

“I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone the way I love you. I’ve never regretted that, even with the flower.”

Yuzuru’s brows slanted under his fingertips, a bittersweet look that was full of returned love and still fresh pain. He blinked rapidly against the moisture threatening to pool in the corner of his eyes and leaned back in, kissing Javier with a different kind of desperation, a point of anchorage in the present where his partner wasn’t going to disappear.

“You here, now. You with me,” Yuzuru panted over Javier’s open lips, both a plea and a claim.

There was only one possible answer in Javier’s heart.

“As long as you want me.”

“I want you forever.”

Javier tightened his grip on Yuzuru’s waist when those solemn, dark eyes met his, and then Yuzuru was pawing at his shirt and pushing him up the bed. He laid Javier down the moment he got the offending item of clothing out of the way, stopping for a moment to get his off too before going back to kissing.

“I always like Javi’s body,” Yuzuru breathed against the other’s jaw, hands smoothing over Javier’s chest and gripping at the meat of his arms. “I think I want to be strong like this, because it make jumps beautiful.”

“You only like me for my salchow, eh? It’s always about skating with you.”

“Some, yes.” Yuzuru snickered before his lips travelled down the other’s neck, tongue lapping hotly over his collarbone. He looked up when Javier tilted his head to give him more room, eyes knowing but still willing to take the offered bait. “Then later I think Javi can hold me so close and tight and I like that, too.”

Javier groaned, mind full of possibilities, as Yuzuru draped his body over his and kissed lovingly down his breastbone, all the while grinding against Javier’s thigh. The motion was too tempting to resist and Javier’s hands strayed lower, back to the tight muscle of Yuzuru’s ass like he had longed to do so many times before.

“This part of you is so distracting,” he mockingly complained, squeezing when Yuzuru pushed back against the touch with a giggle. “Even when I hadn’t realized that I wanted you I had to stop my eyes from straying.”

“Poor Javi,” Yuzuru murmured against Javier’s nipple, before biting playfully and going back up for a kiss. “Much suffering?”

“Terrible. Your practice clothes should be illegal.”

“But they comfortable!”

“Only for you.”

Yuzuru dropped his head to chuckle against Javier’s shoulder, his body shaking in merriment. Javier liked that: the laughter, and the ease. They may have been new to this, but not to each other; it was just another step in their relationship, and it felt as natural as he had hoped it would.

“Pants off now?”

Javier was already starting to sweat from the maintained low simmer of arousal, so shedding more layers sounded great. “Yeah. Come here.”

They managed to remove everything but their underwear mostly unscathed, though Yuzuru’s insistence on kissing through it all almost ended with knees banging on very sensitive places, as they fumbled without looking.

Once they were done though, Yuzuru pushed Javier flat on the bed again and sat back, carefully settling his weight over Javier’s groin. Yuzuru’s eyes burned like embers as he raked them over the body beneath him, absently running a hand up and down Javier’s middle as he chewed on his bottom lip, obviously considering his choices. Javier had to bite back a whiny noise, because he loved how the honest want in Yuzuru’s gaze made him feel, but he was fast approaching a breaking point and his partner’s continued wiggling in place right over Javier’s erection wasn’t helping in the least.

“Yuzu, please,” he begged, caressing up Yuzuru’s thighs reverently. His partner’s mouth fell open in a sigh, eyelids drooping in pleasure as he looked back up at Javier’s face. “Whatever you want, just tell me.”

“I think… I think I want to touch me before, in the shower.” Yuzuru bent forward to kiss him again, sweetly, nuzzling over Javier’s lips as he finished the thought. “It happen sometimes, if skating make me excited.”

“But?”

Javier just knew there was a ‘but’ coming. Yuzuru acknowledged the cheekiness with an amused glance, then went ahead anyway.

“ _But_ I remember I have Javi, now. I think I want Javi to do it more.”

“I can do that.” Yuzuru shivered when Javier smoothed a hand up his side, holding him at the waist as he rubbed over heated skin with his thumb. “Like last time?”

Yuzuru shook his head no, once again worrying over his bottom lip as Javier’s brow furrowed in confusion. His gaze was a curious mixture of shyness and determination, and Javier was about to ask when he got all the answers in one fell swoop.

“Inside.”

Javier was pretty sure his brain short-circuited right there, which was most definitely not a good look considering the situation. He scrambled to say something, anything, because Yuzuru’s face was turning from the initial amusement to doubt as his non-reaction went on, and Javier couldn’t have that.

“I don’t have lube.”

Watching as Yuzuru let his head hang with a relieved sigh, Javier thought maybe he had managed to salvage the moment, after all.

“Silly Javi. I have.”

He probably was still gaping a little at Yuzuru as his partner patted him on the chest and then got off Javier to reach for his bag, still lying innocently at the foot of the bed. “You came prepared?”

“Of course,” Yuzuru preened, resuming his former position with extra care to rub against Javier’s still very much neglected erection and leaving a bottle of lube and a condom next to them on the bed. “I tell you I think about it in shower.”

Javier never had imagined, not even in the wildest dreams that he couldn’t control, that he’d find himself lying under a mostly naked, unabashedly hard and grinning Yuzuru.

Reality was amazing.

“Oh my god, come here,” Javier said, tugging him back down with desperate hands, moaning into the warm place where Yuzuru’s neck met his shoulder. “You’re unbelievable.”

“But good?”

“The best.” Javier kissed him, thumbs on the other’s jaw to tilt his head at the perfect angle. “How do you want to do this, you’re staying on top?” Yuzuru nodded, and Javier left a peck on the corner of his lips as he reached for the bottle. “Okay. Take off your underwear for me?”

Javier couldn’t keep himself from watching hungrily as Yuzuru did just that, blushing a bit under the attention but still smiling. He was gorgeous, skin flushed with arousal and shiny with sweat, eyes bright with anticipation.

Javier would have given him the world, if Yuzuru had asked; that he only asked for this, Javier’s heart and time, was but one of the reasons he’d fallen in love with him.

“Come here, _cariño_.”

Yuzuru sighed against his lips when he folded forwards onto Javier’s chest, biting at his neck as he canted his hips back into the other’s hold, were a slicked hand was making its way lower. The soft moan next to his ear was all the permission Javier needed when his fingers started rubbing over Yuzuru’s entrance, and he held his partner close and secure with his other arm as he slowly pushed inside.

“Tell me what feels good?”

Yuzuru tightened the hand that was tangled in the Spaniard’s curls, pushing back against Javier’s fingers. His eyes sparked with arousal when he held Javier’s gaze. “Yes. More?”

Thing was, Javier had done this with women and, more importantly, had done this to himself; he knew how it felt, how anatomy and experimentation came together for the sake of pleasure. Yuzuru clearly was no stranger to it either, because he knew his body’s rhythm and the murmured litany of directions on Javier’s ear painted a familiar and straightforward route map.

But nothing could have prepared Javier for actually seeing the play of emotion on Yuzuru’s face as he lost himself in pleasure, or how every little touch and movement of his fingers could create waves on Yuzuru’s body that had his partner shivering and dragging his nails down Javier’s middle to try and anchor himself. The sheer intimacy of being able to do this, to watch it happen, felt huge to Javier, and it only fuelled the flame of his desire higher.

He was very close to begging for something, anything to relieve the pressure that Yuzuru kept building every time he rutted onto Javier’s almost painful erection, when his partner finally pulled himself back from the brink.

Yuzuru looked drunk with pleasure, breathing hard on Javier’s lips as he tried to keep kissing even though he was smiling too much to do more than press his mouth blissfully over the other’s top lip.

“Mmmm, so good,” he giggled. “I know I like, but is different when other person do it. And you have big fingers.”

Javier smiled inevitably, because Yuzuru’s happiness had always been contagious. He drew his hand away to wipe it on the sheets, before wrapping both arms around his wiggling partner once again.

“So it’s a good different, then?”

“Yes. Off?”

Javier jumped a little when Yuzuru tugged at the elastic of his underwear and let go with a pointed smack. “Okay.”

The fabric was damp in places with a mixture of his and Yuzuru’s precome and wanted to cling to his skin, but after a bit of fumbling it was finally off. Yuzuru’s cheeks went redder as he sat back on Javier’s thighs and let himself look, chewing on his bottom lip while his fingers tapped random patterns on the other’s sides.

“I can touch?”

Javier bit back the joke about Yuzuru rubbing himself against it all this time, because there was a kind of shy trepidation on his partner’s eyes that reminded him of Yuzuru’s inexperience with others, despite his assuredness when it came to his own body.

“Yeah. If you want.”

“I want.”

Yuzuru’s throat bobbed and he nodded to himself, gaze leaving Javier’s to look at where his hands were slowly drifting down. He hummed for a moment, thumbs rubbing at the juncture of Javier’s hips and thighs, then seemed to come to a decision and wrapped one hand securely around Javier’s erection, stroking smoothly up to the tip.

Javier’s body seized up, tightening all over as he hissed out a breath. Yuzuru stopped his ministrations to look up at him curiously, but didn’t let go.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, just- sensitive.” His knuckles were going numb from the tight grip he had on the sheets while he let Yuzuru explore at his pace, uninterrupted. “You _have_ been teasing me since we started, you know.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru smiled as he tapped his thumb under the head, pulling a deep groan from Javier. “Sorry.”

He wasn’t sorry, they both knew that. Javier wasn’t inclined to stop Yuzuru’s fun, though: it did feel good, in a slow and tortuous kind of way, and he liked the spark of mischief in his partner’s eyes too much to snuffle it.

Still, after a while of this treatment, he thought that a warning was in order.

“Be aware that if you play too much like this, then I’m done for the night. I’m only a jet-lagged human.”

“Other time, then.” Yuzuru’s lips were pouty when he leaned in for a kiss, but he relented. “I still want Javi inside.”

Javier tried to sound neutral, not wanting his own growing anticipation to sway the other’s choices. “You’re sure? We don’t have to-“

The biting kiss he got for that was answer enough. “Shut up. Here.”

Yuzuru left the condom in Javier’s hand with a pointed look, then reached again for the lube to reapply.

It was going to happen. It was happening before Javier’s conscious mind could wrap around the fact, and by then it was too late to escape the all-consuming need.

Yuzuru went down slowly, testing the stretch and keeping it comfortable. His fingers were clawed on Javier’s chest, supporting his weight since his thighs started trembling halfway, but Javier couldn’t even think about complaining at the added pressure. Both the heat of Yuzuru’s body and the satisfied look on his face when he bottomed out, smiling with his eyes closed, had Javier entranced, spellbound as he gazed upon something that he’d never let himself imagine.

His hand found a place on Yuzuru’s cheek, the skin hot and slick under his fingertips, and Yuzuru gasped out a moan, eyes fierce and burning as he met Javier’s.

“Javi…”

He couldn’t find the words. There was a lump in his throat as Yuzuru started to move, rolling his hips smoothly, and it was so good that Javier could do nothing but tug him down to cover his mouth with his own, feeling short of breath for all the good reasons.

“God, you’re so-“ Javier tried, brushing Yuzuru’s damp hair away from his forehead. “I still can’t believe you’re here, sometimes.”

“I here, now.” Yuzuru’s answering smile started sweet but ended on a sniff, and Javier could see the wet shine of his eyes, the rapid blinking to dispel it. “Javi here, too. With me.”

There had been no fear in Yuzuru’s gaze since he appeared at his door, no hesitation to keep him from going after what he wanted. Now, joined together in more than the obvious way their bodies moved in tandem, they were exposed, raw and unhidden in their intimacy, and Yuzuru’s lingering pain from almost losing Javier bubbled to the surface.

Javier couldn’t make it disappear, only time would erode its sharp edges; he could be Yuzuru’s anchor, though, like his partner was for him.

“Yes, I’m here,” Javier murmured against his lips, wrapping both arms tight around Yuzuru’s waist and lifting his hips to meet the other’s downward thrusts. “You can feel me, right? So deep inside? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Javi-!”

“Let go, _cariño_. Just let go. I’ll catch you, I promise.”

Yuzuru pressed their foreheads together, eyes scrunched closed and _keened_ , hands grabbing at Javier’s hair, his shoulder, any part of the other that was in reach as his body trembled, pleasure raking through him from inside as Javier thrust into him. Javier could no longer understand the litany of words falling from his lips, Yuzuru too far gone for anything but stuttered Japanese in between moans, but it sounded encouraging and his body language continued asking for more, so Javier let loose the threads of his own control one by one.

His body burned. From the blood boiling in his veins, to the scorching heat of Yuzuru around his sensitive flesh, the strain of working muscle in his thighs and the pressure of his chest trying to keep up with his need for air, it all felt like being consumed in the sweetest of fires.

And then there was Yuzuru, riding the feeling with him, shaking apart in his arms. His hair was dishevelled, his skin dripping with sweat, his mouth permanently open over the other’s as he drank Javier’s praise greedily.

He was so beautiful, so wild. Javier wanted to keep the image of it and burn it on the back of his eyelids forever. There would be other times, he was sure; but this one was special.

As Yuzuru tensed for the last time, his body releasing everything in one final moment of blinding pleasure, Javier held back a little longer just to look at him, knowing that it would become a treasured memory.

When Javier came down from his own high, he found Yuzuru sniffling against his shoulder, hiding his face away, and out of it as Javier was, he immediately panicked.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Javier rushed to sit against the headboard, pulling Yuzuru up with him on his lap. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, I fine.” Yuzuru whined, but it wasn’t in pain. He wiped at the corner of one eye sheepishly before looking up at Javier. “Just… much emotional.”

“Oh.” Javier nuzzled his hair, shoulders dropping with relief and understanding. He pressed a kiss there, rubbing a hand on Yuzuru’s hip for comfort. “That’s okay. I’m there, too.”

“Javi don’t cry,” Yuzuru huffed back. “It stupid, crying. People have sex all the time and don’t cry.”

“Come on, I don’t think it will always be like that.” Javier didn’t want to laugh because Yuzuru looked actually annoyed, but he was pouting and it was cute. The Spaniard allowed himself to press his smile to Yuzuru’s still flushed cheek, and called it even. “Everyone’s allowed to be emotional the first time.”

Yuzuru turned his head and kissed the other on the lips, shallow and tender, cupping his jaw with a hand. His gaze was serious. “Not the reason.”

Javier knew. He had always known.

They stayed there, holding each other close and trading lazy kisses until they got too uncomfortable and had to leave the bed for a quick shower. Yuzuru eyed the big bathtub with longing, but in the end they were both too tired to risk falling asleep in the water.

“Other time, yes?”

Javier smiled and dropped a kiss on his shoulder before walking back into the bedroom.

A while later, snuggled together under the covers with the lights off, Javier finally asked the question that had been swirling around his mind.

“So. Yuzu.” He got a sleepy, content murmur as his response and decided to push through. “You think about me when you touch yourself?”

“Oh my god.” Yuzuru snorted, pinching a sniggering Javier in the side. “I think I kick you out of bed.”

“But it’s my bed!”

“Really, Javi?”

“Come on, I’m really curious!”

“I don’t see, but I know you make the face, Javi.”

“Please?”

Yuzuru sighed. There was probably a mighty glare piercing the side of his head, but Javier’s pout was already turning into a grin.

“Only some times. I have shame, but head want too much.” Javier was sure Yuzuru was blushing, because his partner’s nose was hot against the bare skin of his shoulder. “I always think Javi see on my face when we meet after, skin get so hot.”

“I never knew.” Javier turned to face him, caressing his cheek gently. “You have the best poker face I’ve ever seen.”

“Don’t need, now.”

“No, you don’t.”

Yuzuru leaned in to kiss him, loving and warm, and Javier’s chest was so full, but there was no longer pain.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who wins the Biggest Troll award this time? They're both fierce competitors, in between all the fluff. And everything else :P
> 
> Next time: looking ahead!
> 
> ([Twitter](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian), [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian))


	26. Twenty-five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look ahead into the next season. And the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah. This update took its sweet time coming, I know, but real life got in the way and then I had to wrangle the muse down :_D Shout-out to all you people out there that have shown me support in my writing endeavours, one way or another: there were times in the aforementioned wrangling when going back to read comments was what gave me the will to keep hacking at it, so thank you very much and please know I appreciate and cherish them all. I hope you enjoy this final chapter after the long wait! :)
> 
> Also, before you dive in, I wanted to share the love for [this _AMAZING_ drawing](https://orophine-blog.tumblr.com/post/174087038405/illustration-well-more-like-a-sketch-to-this) that the lovely [Orophine](https://www.instagram.com/orophineart/) did inspired by TROML. It continues to make my day every time I think about it <3

 

 

Javier left Tokyo the next day with the lasting, soft pressure of Yuzuru’s kiss on his lips and the memory of his partner’s playful touch in the morning. The promise of warmth and companionship when their busy schedules allowed then to meet again was a latent thing, beating in time with his heart as Javier dozed off in the plane, and it made the growing miles between them seem not so daunting.

They knew how to be apart. Spending time away, living their own lives out in the world and outside of the other’s shadow, just to snap right back together the moment they met again, was a balancing act they had perfected over the years of knowing each other. Now that Javier’s receding condition loomed less and less ominously over their heads with every day that passed without pain, that return to normalcy was even welcome, in a way.

Still, there was no hiding Javier’s newfound high spirits when the time came to start thinking about next season.

“ _Someone_ looks like the cat that got the cream lately, eh?” Joked David, adjusting his puffy coat as he entered the rink, where Javier was doing his usual stroking warm up. “Is this still the gold rush from Worlds, or did you get a happy welcome in Japan?”

“Wouldn’t you want to know.” Javier felt his grin grow even bigger on his face, eyebrows wriggling as he skated circles around his choreographer before coming to a sharp stop. Leaning closer, he made as if to peer cheekily down David’s collar. “Is that a tan I see? Spain’s been treating you well.”

“It’s been a nice little holiday, but the heat’s getting to me already. Don’t know how you locals handle it, I was starting to miss my coat,” David chuckled, pushing Javier away. “Anyway, I’m ready to whip your smartass back into shape!”

“Hey! I haven’t had time yet to get _out of_ shape!”

“We’ll see how you feel about that once we’re done today. Did you have a look at the proposals I sent you?”

“I did, actually. I like the idea of performing to Sinatra.”

“Good! Brian liked that one the best, too. And I’ll admit I’ve already started putting things together in my head for it…”

“What were you going to do if I chose something else?” Javier asked in clear amusement at his team’s tactics, resting both hands on his hips for further effect.

“Try to show you the error of your ways, of course,” David explained, over a chorus of Javier’s good-natured laughter. “But I had an inkling. We know each other pretty well by now, don’t we?”

“Yeah… Don’t go telling all my secrets!”

“What, like that fading hickey you’ve been trying to discreetly keep covered since I arrived?”

“David!”

“Oh, my boy, you’re so easy to read.” David reached an arm around Javier’s shoulders, squeezing him affectionately against his own body. “I’m just glad to see you happy and recovered. You scared us, for a while there.”

That sobered Javier up in an instant, shoulders drooping under the weight of struggles past. “I know, and I’m sorry. I’ll tell you about it sometime, yes?”

“You take all the time you need. Remember: we only want what’s best for you.” With a final squeeze, David sent him away as he slid up to the music player on the boards. The moment he heard Javier’s blades go back to their former leisurely stroking pattern, he shot over his shoulder “how’s the arrangement for the short going, by the way?”

“We got the okay from Antonio Najarro!” Javier called in return, smile back on his lips. “It’s going to be tight, because they’re in the middle of setting up a new production and he’s busy as hell, but my manager is trying to arrange the first meeting while you’re still in Madrid. So we can establish a base to work from, and all that.”

“Good, good.” David pressed play and the cut of _Guys and Dolls_ Javier had first heard during the long hours of a transcontinental flight filled the space with song. “I’ve got a good feeling about this season.”

Javier, finally on the other side of the worst crisis of his life, with new hope and love in his heart, let the atmosphere of new beginnings breathe though him, filling him with anticipation.

“I think so, too.”

 

* * *

 

As the days went by, alternating the lazy rhythm of the city under the blazing, summer-like heat with the cold rush of his time working on the ice, Javier was happy to realize that Madrid had gone back to feeling like the home he would always want to come back to. The sanctuary where he could just be the _lagartija_ of his childhood, away from the crowds and the pressure that chasing his dream drew around him, surrounded by the people who had been there since the start of everything.

Javier found himself reaching out again to friends he had shied away from in his mad dash against the flower, rebuilding bridges and filling out all the spaces in his life that had been left hollow, lacking and somehow _less_ , feeling as if his very self was finally fully comfortable again within his own skin.

It was such a simple thing, nothing he’d ever given much thought to before the illness took hold; but Javier would never again take it for granted.

“Had fun?” Enriqueta’s voice greeted him from the living room, as Javier shut the door behind him and left his keys by the entrance.

“Yeah. It was nice to have the gang all together again. Doesn’t happen that often, now that so many of us are spread all over the place.” Walking further in, he smiled when he saw both his parents sitting on the couch with the television on, Roni purring away on Enriqueta’s lap. “You look comfy.”

“Effie was here too a minute ago, but she and Roni had a little squabble about seating arrangements. You know how it goes.”

“Well, she is a princess…“

“…But Roni is king of _this_ house,” finished Antonio, chuckling.

“That he is,” cooed Javier, stepping into the room to gently scratch the cat behind the ears. “Be good to your sister, she’s not from around here.”

“We didn’t expect you to be back this early. How come you didn’t stay out for dinner?”

“Honestly? Iván was barely upright by that point, he was so jet-lagged still. We decided as a group to leave the night partying for another time and let the guy take a much needed nap,” Javier laughed.

“Oh, that’s a bummer.”

“It’s fine. I hadn’t planned to stay much longer, anyway.” Under his parents’ pointed stares, Javier could feel the revealing flush inevitably rising up his neck. “I told Yuzu I’d call him, and it’s getting late over there.”

“Go talk to your boy, then,” said Enriqueta, playfully shooing him away. “I doubt he shares your opinion on punctuality being optional, so don’t keep him up waiting.”

“Okay, okay!” Javier said, beginning his retreat towards his bedroom with a grin. “I thought you were supposed to be on my side!”

“We _are_ on your side, we just want you to keep him!” He heard his father’s amused reply from the hallway.

Shaking his head fondly, Javier spied Effie sitting just inside his bedroom door, watching him with intent eyes, ears swivelling towards the noise coming from the living room. Smiling, he bent to pick her up as he got in and closed the door behind him. “Well, they have a weird way of showing it sometimes, right?”

Effie meowed back at him, rubbing her head affectionately against his jaw.

“I know. You’re lucky I’m such a good parent to you and I don’t tease you endlessly.”

Leaving her on the bed, Javier quickly went over to the closet and rummaged inside for a comfier change of clothes, before taking his laptop and fluffing his pillow against the headboard to sit on the bed. Effie only had to let out the one displeased meow before Javier obediently made room for her on his lap, and then they were settled enough to actually make the video call.

Yuzuru answered almost instantly, his grin bright and full even through the screen.

“Hello, Javi! And Effie, of course.”

Javier could feel his whole body relaxing, melting into the mattress at the warmth that spread from his chest. His hand automatically went up to rub over his breastbone, chasing the pleasant tingle. “Hi, _cariño_.”

“You okay?” Yuzuru’s eyes narrowed in sudden alarm, following the gesture. “You do the rub thing again-“

“Yeah, I’m okay, no need to worry; still no petals since the last time we talked,” Javier quickly placated. “I’m just happy to see you.”

“Good.” Yuzuru’s expression went soft, lips curved in a small, tender smile, as he audibly let out a sigh that deflated his shoulders and cleared the momentary tension and prick of panic. “I happy, too.”

“Is it very late? I didn’t want to wake you, like the other day.”

“Is late, but okay. Not sleepy.”

“That’s a pity, though. You know how I like to look at you all sleepy and warm…” Javier teased, voice dropping low, looking for the rising blush that he knew his words would provoke on his partner. He wasn’t disappointed. “Something like that, yes.”

“Not now, Javi. Parents in next room.”

Javier just grinned. “So are mine.”

Deciding to not even deign the other’s insolent cheekiness with an answer, Yuzuru glared at him before pointedly changing the topic. “I talk to Shae-Lynn before Javi. Have big idea for next season, I very excited.”

“So that’s why you’re not sleepy.”

“Yes. I go back to Toronto in three days to work on new choreo with her. Want ready for shows in summer. When you come?”

“Ah, not yet. I still have too much stuff to do here. But you know David was in Spain for a while, so for now my choreo is advanced enough to give me things to work on my own.”

“Oh?” That evidently piqued Yuzuru’s interest, brows rising. “What Javi do this time?”

“Sinatra.”

“Hmmm.”

Javier watched his partner for a moment, noting how Yuzuru’s eyes had strayed to look at one corner of his own screen, face carefully neutral as he kept humming under his breath. Understanding suddenly, Javier bit his lip, trying to keep the laughter in.

“…You don’t know who that is.”

“I _remember_ in a moment, if you let me look it up,” Yuzuru shot back, glaring up in pretend annoyance even as his own lips fluttered up at the corners, threatening to split open in a grin the moment Javier gave up and started laughing out loud. “Aaaaah, okay. Of course I know him!”

“Point for you.”

“I hate you,” Yuzuru deadpanned, in response to Javier’s amused remark. When that didn’t put a stop to his partner’s snickering, he puffed out his chest in bratty indignation. “I don’t give you kisses if I there.”

It didn’t deter Javier’s grin in the slightest.

“Yeah, sure. I know you’re still going to kiss me when we meet.”

“Smug.”

“I know.” Javier threw him a wink with that, which sent Yuzuru into peals of laughter on the other side of the screen, all pretence of irritation dropped. Once those died down, Javier doubled back to their original topic. “So, what is this big idea of yours? No more dramatic, tragic relationships, I hope.”

“No, I have enough of that.” Yuzuru made a dismissive gesture, but the other could notice him sobering up quickly, clearly catching Javier’s meaning. “The real thing much better, anyway.”

“Good.” Javier acknowledged the moment with a serious nod, before letting it pass. “So?”

“Magic.” Yuzuru preened, a wicked smile on his lips as he delivered what he obviously considered to be a clue mysterious enough to be proud of. “I put spell on you, you see.”

There was no way Javier was letting go of that one.

“…Is it Harry Potter?”

“Oh my god, you don’t get kisses when we meet!”

 

* * *

 

Javier was still mostly hoping for those kisses and the warm welcome of his partner’s embrace when he returned to the Cricket Club for the first time since everything had changed. He smiled at the new wave of congratulations as he met with staff and other skaters on his way to the lounge, the title of World champion still new but no longer as surreal. Even so, the moment he sat down in front of the glass windows overlooking the rink with his usual steaming cup of morning coffee, he couldn’t help the way his eyes strayed automatically to the wall of champions.

The new plaque with his name was already installed, Javier knew this. Brian had told him over the phone when it went up, and it had been Javier himself who refused the offered pictures. He knew he wouldn’t truly believe it until he saw it in person.

And now, there it was. Just underneath Yuzuru’s, where Javier had glanced up so many times in passing, trying to imagine how it would look, how it would feel.

_Javier Fernández_

_2015_

It felt right, like something he had achieved through great effort and sacrifice, something to take honest pride in. And it felt real.

It _was_ real.

The loud thump of a jump landing close to the window snapped Javier out of his reverie, just in time to see Yuzuru holding his exit curve for a moment before quickly turning and pushing off towards the rink edge, where Brian and Ghislain were waiting for him. Their coach clearly had a lot of input even for what Javier guessed had been a cleanly landed jump, but Yuzuru didn’t seem to mind, nodding along with a focused expression while he took a drink from his bottle.

It was such a familiar scenario, Javier couldn’t pull his gaze away even as he sank into the comfy cushions of the armchair he had claimed for himself, relaxed and at peace with the world.

Toronto was not Madrid, with its snowy winters and rapid-fire English, but it was still the place where his home rink lay, where he had found a coaching team that believed in him, and where his path had finally and inevitably entwined with that of the person that had become his partner in everything.

He guessed coming back to the Cricket Club, after everything that had happened since the last time he was there, was also a homecoming, in its own special way. Javier may had gone through hell and back in the interim, but he hadn’t come out empty handed.

Noticing him from the other side of the glass, Brian smiled and pointed Javier’s presence out to Yuzuru, who immediately turned towards the windows with a huge grin and an enthusiastic wave of his hand.

Javier smiled, fondness and gratitude warming him from within as he returned the joyful gesture, and the next sip of his coffee tasted extra wonderful.

 

* * *

 

In the end, Javier did indeed get away with his continued teasing about Yuzuru’s upcoming ‘wizard program’ and got his welcome kisses, even if Yuzuru got a little more happy than usual with the nipping.

Javier might have been just a tiny bit smug about that fact.

“I knew it,” he said into the space between their lips, unabashedly grinning as he pushed Yuzuru’s still damp hair behind his ears, alone in the locker room for one blessed, stolen moment after Yuzuru’s shower.

“You lucky I want kiss for me, because you don’t deserve.” Yuzuru was trying very hard to maintain his nonplussed expression, the twitching corners of his lips fighting a losing battle against Javier’s fond tone and the ticklish, comforting touch of his fingers. “You so bad.”

“Good thing you love me anyway, yes?”

Something flashed across Yuzuru’s features, the tail end of fear and guilt breaking the surface before dipping down again into the deeper recesses of his dark eyes. There, and gone in an instant, but still visible for Javier. He tightened his hold on Yuzuru’s waist in silent support; Javier had never been worried about the answer to that question since Yuzuru’s first confession, his partner had to be aware of this.

“Always.”

The feel of Yuzuru’s answering sigh against his lips sent a shiver down Javier’s spine, only to bloom warmth into his whole body when his partner pulled himself closer and buried his face in the crook of Javier’s neck.

They stood together for a long minute, rocking back and forth slightly in their embrace, the motion repetitive and calming as they allowed the moment to pass through them. It was Yuzuru who stepped away first, features back to a more schooled neutral, but with the lingering effects of their connection shining in his eyes.

“You come watch me tomorrow, and I show you my _wizard program_ ,” he said, the spark of mischief ignited. “Then you tell me if still think is funny.”

“I’m only giving you this one chance, though,” Javier caught on, playfully going along with the running joke. “Since you’re making me wake up earlier and everything-”

Yuzuru’s biting kiss shut Javier up, and a knowing smirk had made itself home on his partner’s lips when he stepped away from their embrace.

“That all I need.”

 

* * *

 

Javier knew Yuzuru was a man of his word, and that he was more than capable of drawing Javier in with his skating.

Still, no previous knowledge could have prepared him for that first encounter with _SEIMEI._

His rational brain noted it was a work in progress, that Yuzuru was still very much feeling out the new choreography and testing how it meshed with his jumps, which variations to choose for each spin, how to tailor his movement to the music; polishing the raw materials little by little into something closer to his ideal every day.

But Javier’s heart, thundering inside his ribcage, was caught on the fire smouldering behind dark eyes, the cutting edge of concealed power behind every taut gesture. A continuous dance along the middle point between aggressive action and true serenity, perfectly balanced like the curving blade of a ritual sword.

Leaning his shoulder against one of the wooden beams just outside of the ice as he watched Yuzuru’s vision unfold, Javier felt it right down to the marrow of his bones.

The spell being cast. The dangerous looming of fate. The inevitability.

Excited and afraid, indeed.

Yuzuru was breathing hard when he struck his final pose, glancing towards Brian before swallowing thickly and turning his gaze to Javier, arms still open in a strong stance while obviously waiting for a reaction. The Spaniard had no words for him, though, just a tight nod and the churning feeling in his chest, before silently turning on his heel and leaving.

He didn’t have to wait long before the locker room opened and closed loudly, followed by the sound of clunky skate guards rushing around the corner until Yuzuru caught sight of Javier standing there and let out a sigh of relief.

“Javi, what-“

Javier didn’t let him finish the thought, pulling him down into a bruising kiss that had too much breath in it, too much desperation.

“Please, come home with me. Just- please.”

Yuzuru must have read the need in Javier’s eyes, because the strain of tension bled from his shoulders and he moaned his answer into the next kiss, drawing their bodies closer.

“ _Yes._ ”

Javier didn’t know what this new desire was or for how long it had brewed silently underneath his skin, unseen, thick and dense like tar, waiting for the right flame to ignite it. He just knew it burned, with every heavy look Yuzuru threw his way; every light, lingering touch that veiled the promise of something far stronger, deeper.

Javier had seen the power coiled tight inside Yuzuru, the smooth flow of unending possibility harnessed under steely determination. There was a part of him, half selfish and half needy, that wished to always be at the centre of that storm, even if it meant unleashing the unknown upon himself, because it was Yuzuru, and Javier wanted all of him.

As their clothes littered a weaving path towards his bedroom and their naked bodies fell into an impatient tangle of heated limbs and breathy kisses on his bed, it all coalesced in his mind’s eye.

Javier’s body had long ago made room for the physical reflection of his feelings for Yuzuru, the blooming flower impossible to ignore in its cruel reality, even if it hurt, even if it killed him. Thankfully it hadn’t gotten that far, and he certainly didn’t miss the choking and the bleeding, or the pain and the hopelessness. But he found himself missing the idea of having some tangible part of Yuzuru within, private and cherished, away from the eyes of the world.

There was a healthier way around that, of course. Something Javier had vaguely considered before, that now seemed to have grown into a necessity.

And he wanted. With a fierce, deep intensity that caught him off-guard, as if he was still under the influence of Yuzuru’s spell.

A spell that even its weaver was not immune to, because when Javier made his wishes known a different spark also seemed to ignite behind Yuzuru’s eyes, an incandescent mirror to his own, and everything had a foregone conclusion after that.

It was a new feeling for Javier, having someone else touch him from inside. The overwhelming physicality of leaving himself open to be filled by another, the raw trust needed to put himself in such a vulnerable position. But Yuzuru was the one looking down on him, steady as a cliff against the rising tide, master of the push and pull of gravity between them this time, and Javier was only too eager to be swept away by the current.

It was new, but he liked it. He liked the way their bodies still fit together, moving as easily in synch as they always had. He liked the feeling of fullness, right up to his core, as if there would never be room again inside him for anything but this. He liked the way Yuzuru’s thighs strained under his relentless determination, the power of working muscle underneath Javier’s digging fingers when he asked for more.

He liked the way Yuzuru was panting his name against his skin, chasing his own pleasure as he built Javier’s own, eyes alight with the same fire that had blown Javier away with one look from the ice.

It was fast, and desperate, and over too soon, but satisfying in so many unexpected ways, that Javier wasn’t sure where to start once they were done, lying side by side trying to catch their breath.

Yuzuru was the first one to move after a while, cuddling up to Javier to nuzzle lazily at his temple. “Okay?”

“Very okay,” Javier answered, turning to meet Yuzuru’s lips with a winded, but blissful kiss. “If your plan was to make me all hot and bothered, congrats! You did a perfect job.”

“Not really.” The rush of Yuzuru’s laughter tickled over Javier’s oversensitive skin. “But I don’t complain. Nice surprise.”

“I hope we got that out of my system, though,” Javier hummed teasingly, drawing an appreciative hand up Yuzuru’s thigh before squeezing his bottom. “Can’t have you using your wizard powers to spell boners on me every day. What would Brian think?”

“Javi!”

Yuzuru moved too fast for Javier to catch the pillow aimed at his face, but he was too full of happiness to mind, amid his partner’s peals of indignant laughter.

 

* * *

 

The flow and ebb of life in Toronto seemed to go back to normal really fast. Javier was surprised to find his general routine unchanged, all the different layers of his life coming together with an ease that belied the turmoil of the previous season. His skating felt good, his body healed to the point where he found himself not having to think about the leftover strain from the flower for days at a time; it gave him a kind of freedom he’d never thought he would have to miss, capable of throwing himself into the swing of preparing new choreography again without worries or hiding.

His relationship with Yuzuru felt even better. Once, Javier had been afraid of losing Yuzuru if he came clean with his feelings, with the sudden, inevitable revelation that he wanted something more than what they had been calling ‘friendship’ since they met. Now, seeing how the new facets developed in between what was already there, deepening their understanding of the other and only bringing them closer together, Javier was glad to have proven his past-self wrong.

There was no room for doubt, between them. Yuzuru was Yuzuru, still the constant he’d been in Javier’s life for years.

Nothing had changed there, really; only evolved, as all natural things are bound to do.

On the tail end of a long day at the club, Javier allowed himself to steal a quiet moment of reflection, absently waving goodbye to the rest of the skaters on the evening shift and taking a seat at the edge of the rink, booted feet still on the ice.

The light came in dimmed from the big windows, a clear sign of the sun’s downward curve in the sky, and a reminder that he couldn’t stretch the time between the end of his skating session and the closing of the rink for the day forever.

Javier didn’t need forever, though. Just a little bit. Just a second to breathe things in.

It couldn’t have been more than a handful of minutes before he heard the rink door open at his back, but Javier stayed put. Something in him knew, even if the following footsteps were silent on the lined floor.

“What are you doing here, still?” he asked softly, when he felt the other person sitting down beside him, stretching their legs towards the ice like Javier’s.

“Off-ice training,” Yuzuru answered in the same low, secret voice. “Why _you_ still here?”

When Javier only hummed absently in response, Yuzuru sighed and shifted closer, pressing their thighs together and searching for his partner’s fingers with his own.

“Javi. I know.”

“Oh?”

“You tell Brian about _hanahaki_. He give me big hug this morning and only say ‘thank you,’ so I know. You okay?”

“I think so.” Javier’s breath hitched for a moment, his hold on Yuzuru’s hand tightening at the memory of the previous evening, when Javier had stayed back after training to finally talk to his coaches. “He was not happy, which I expected. We had a screaming match that ended in tears, just like the old times, and I’ve never seen Tracy so mad while still doing damage control, but it’s going to be fine. I hope.”

“If you tell me before, I there with you for this.”

“No, you’ve been through enough of my confessions. I didn’t want to burden you with this, too.” Javier sighed, momentarily bringing their joined hands up to drop a quick, heartfelt kiss on Yuzuru’s knuckles. “And keeping it from them was my choice, after all: I should bear with the consequences.”

“Is not burden, but okay this time. I can help now.” Smiling gently, Yuzuru returned the gesture by pressing his lips softly to Javier’s temple. “Don’t worry. Brian and Tracy will forgive, you see.”

“I’m not so sure. But I really hope you’re right.”

“It true.” Yuzuru tugged at him until they were sitting face to face, holding Javier’s hand in both of his between them. “They love you, Javi,” he said, voice solemn in the still air, but with an unbearable softness shining in his eyes. “So gentle, so kind, so funny. So very _good_. Javi have heart so big, everyone love you. Not loving is impossible.”

Overwhelmed by the warmth blooming in his heart, painless, and beautiful, and so light as to make him feel weightless, Javier reached his other hand to the familiar softness of Yuzuru’s nape, bringing him closer until their foreheads rested together.

His anchor.

“I know you’re biased, but I’ll always be grateful for whatever I did that made you think this way.”

“Me, too. I glad that Javi is Javi, always.”

“Your Javi?”

“Yes. My Javi.”

Javier didn’t need forever; forever was a nice promise, but ultimately unattainable.

And yet, as one moment seemed to stretch into infinity, crisp and crystal clear, the cool air of the rink that brought them together misting between the heat of their lips, Javier felt like forever laid just before them, at the tip of their fingers.

He breathed in. Breathed out. His heart beat a rhythm of fulfilment, in time with Yuzuru’s pulse underneath his palm.

Uninterrupted. Unimpeded.

The world stood still and, after everything, Javier felt like he had finally won.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: the epilogue.
> 
> ([Twitter](https://twitter.com/Valkedictorian), [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Valkedictorian))


	27. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last flower.

 

 

Figure skating had taken Javier to Sendai before, but beyond the familiar sheet of ice he performed on, he would still consider himself a newcomer, wandering beneath the shifting shadows of the great trees that gave the city its name. Just another awed visitor passing through, breathing in the smell of rain that still lingered in the air hours after the midday rainfall; taking a moment to adjust to the pace of a different site, discovering new things in unsuspecting places.

And yet, he had never felt unwelcome. Especially now, with Yuzuru close by his side, somehow softer around the edges as they walked together through the streets and winding pathways of the city that would always be his partner’s home.

A home Yuzuru had wanted to share with him, in those lazy days between summer shows where new beginnings bled into old comforts. For Javier, accepting the invitation had been an easy choice to make.

“You really should have brought those sunglasses,” said Javier, when Yuzuru turned to gauge the position of the sun for the umpteenth time, eyes narrowed against the glaring rays of sunset. “I don’t want to have to tell your mother that you’ve gone blind while I’m a guest at your house. So awkward.”

“Park close when sun is down, I tell you this before.”

“Don’t they have a written down schedule?”

“Probably, but I forget. It different in summer.” Yuzuru’s lips widened in a smile as he shrugged, carefree in a way he usually didn’t allow himself to be. Javier liked seeing him like that, all the worries of the previous season seemingly eroded away to nothing for one golden moment. “We should leave now, just in case.”

“Well, you’re the boss here.”

Yuzuru bumped his shoulder into Javier’s at the joking tone, smirking when the other lingered back a bit in mock indignation, before quickly striding up to Yuzuru and returning the gesture. It was childish, this bratty game of come-uppance, but it felt good to laugh together, to let themselves be unconcerned about their surroundings for a minute. The old woman slowly walking her old dog they crossed paths with only turned a benevolent eye towards their antics, smiling warmly when Yuzuru choked down an undignified snort to nod a polite greeting in return.

After that they settled down, drifting in comfortable silence as life in the park seemed to slow down, the air cooler and moving in a slight breeze, making the humidity more bearable at the end of the day. They hadn’t seen anyone in a while, and everything felt soft, vulnerable under the warm hues of the setting sun.

Something in Javier itched to hold Yuzuru’s hand, but he didn’t dare do anything more than brush their fingers together every other step. As intimate as their little bubble of happiness felt, he was still aware of the invisible boundaries their situation demanded, and how some gestures carried more meaning than others while in the public eye. The stolen touches were still reassuring in their simplicity though, and it made a spark of warmth flare up in Javier’s chest whenever Yuzuru caught his gaze from the corner of his own eyes, complicit in their shared secret.

Then, seemingly unprompted, Yuzuru stopped abruptly in his tracks, bypassing Javier’s hand entirely to take his wrist in a strong grip that demanded his attention.

“Maybe we go back? I think it shorter, if we return.”

“Really?” Javier frowned, surprised by the sudden shift in his partner’s demeanour. “How big is this place-?”

“We must leave before time to close. For sure.”

“But we’re already all the way over here, I’m sure an exit can’t be far off if we keep going this way. It’s not even that late, we’ll make it.”

“You don’t know, Javi.”

In truth, Javier had no special desire to choose their path: he was a guest in Yuzuru’s city, and he had been more than happy to follow wherever his partner decided to take him, a smile on Yuzuru’s lips and a constellation of stars shining in his dark eyes, as he took Javier to the places of his childhood. The problem was that those stars were gone now, disappeared from one blink of the eyes to another, and Yuzuru’s body had turned from the easy relaxation of their day together into a wired mess of nervous tension.

It made Yuzuru’s argument, which would have seemed sound otherwise, into something closer to an excuse. Javier had to wonder why, what had prompted the change. Between worry and curiosity, he turned away from Yuzuru, gaze searching as he looked around for any kind of clue.

That was when he saw them.

Downslope, lurking ahead of the dirt path they had been following; the thing that had unequivocally been making Yuzuru increasingly anxious as their standoff continued, his grip discreetly trying to pull Javier back and away in the opposite direction. A dash of painfully familiar colour by the nearby small pond, sun rays glittering on the water edge as it lapped gently against slender stems.

The irises.

Yuzuru’s touch on Javier’s wrist grew slack but lingered, giving up the effort at hiding the situation but still needing the contact as a grounding point. It made Javier snap out of his momentary lapse, and he looked back at his partner. Yuzuru’s gaze was elusive, turned away in an attempt to mask his own trepidation, but Javier could clearly see the point where the other’s lips were turning white under the pressure of his worrying teeth.

It made something in him slot into place, and he made his decision.

“Come on, _cariño_.”

This time, it was Javier who changed his grip and pulled the other along, tender but firm. Yuzuru didn’t pose any kind of resistance, keeping silent even though Javier could feel the growing aura of fearful anticipation that seemed to drift off of him in waves. Javier let go a few steps from the edge, walking down alone until the very tip of his shoes was getting kissed by the water.

At that point, the flowers reached up to his knees, their green leaves willowy but strong as they curved gently in the breeze. Their ruffled petals were full of vibrant colour, beautiful, bright, and seemingly untouched by the hardships of life.

Javier couldn’t hide the shiver than ran down his spine, nor could he help the instinctive clenching of his heart as he looked down at the irises up close. His body remembered too well how it felt to feed that beauty, to sacrifice himself to support its growth.

But there he was, after everything.

Alive. _Loved_.

He realized then that he had managed to conquer his own fate, and in that he found a truth he’d been hoping to find for a while, now: the irises had no power over him anymore. Javier decided it was due time he laid his demons to rest.

Yuzuru failed to contain a traitorous sniffle, slim shoulders trembling, when Javier walked back up and tended to him the freshly picked flower.

“The real thing,” Javier declared, trying to sound light and carefree. It came out a bit choked on emotion, but much more honest and a closer reflection of the feelings that warred inside of him. “For you.”

His heart was pumping so hard, he could feel its pulse in his temples, down his arm, beating at his fingertips where he was still carefully holding the iris, waiting. It felt as if he was offering his own live, still beating heart between his hands, flourished into the royal purple of a gift worthy of its recipient.

Javier now knew it was an offering that would be well received, a gift accepted and taken care of with the utmost regard and affection. Always valued and respected.

A heart, loved. A heart, in return.

Yuzuru finally took the flower, his gaze lingering on the play of colour on its petals for one moment, before throwing all care to the wind and flinging his arms around Javier’s neck, holding on tight.

“I already have the most real, silly.”

Javier could hear the barely held back tears in his partner’s voice, feel Yuzuru’s stuttering little breaths beneath his hands as he returned the embrace. Yuzuru only held on tighter, closer.

There could be no bigger acknowledgement, and Javier hadn’t really needed any, in the first place. He knew where they stood.

Javier closed his eyes, breathed Yuzuru in.

Deeply.

There hadn’t been any pain in a long time.

His heart bloomed in his chest and everything was alright in his world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it. That's the story <3
> 
> I hope you people enjoyed reading TROML as much as I liked writing it! It has been a long process, and this is the biggest single project I've finished for a fandom, both in length, and depth of the Void Of FeelsTM I fell into while working on it XD It hasn't always been easy, but I'll forever be glad for those of you who showed love for this story, cheered me on, and for the friends I made along the way.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading until the end. I hope I repaid that trust with a story worthy of its premise and characters, and perhaps left a bit of a bittersweet ~~mostly sweet, who am I kidding, I love me some fluff and that's no secret~~ flower behind, too :)


End file.
